Monday, 17 August 2009

Free falling with no foot holds.

Tumbling through this thick air
with my arms in front of me
reaching for unknown obstacles
searching for something to hold onto
meerly looking for a foot hold.

I have my eyes closed against the blast of cold mist
i like the feel of it against my eyelids
the choice to be anywhere i want
with a flicker of my lids im here then there
a world of unknown places to be explored with my mind.

Theres droplets lightly landing on my arms

Spleckling me with sparkles that are sad

Im growing too big to fit in this world i think

I want to shrink back to size. Pocket size sounds good to me.

But things never go to plan do they?

Sunday, 16 August 2009

My body. Hillsong Church.

Life is an extraordinary thing. That we are all blessed with it despite our wrong do-ings is even more astonishing. That we have such complex systems for our bodies and thoughts, everything connected, for smooth movements and fluid thoughts.

* * *

I went to the Hillsong Church in London today. I felt so connected there. As i raised my hands up to the Lord i swear i felt tingles from the tips of my fingers pulsate down my arms like a wash of cold water. At first i felt uneasy but then i thought maybe this is a sign, a sign that im meant to be here. It felt right. It made me sing louder and rejoice with more gumph. It made me take a look at things from another point of view. Made my heart leap with happiness for no apparent reason but from the smiles that everyone was wearing as we walked out.

* * *

As i look at my body i think, it is amazing, just looking at my toes im already thinking woah man look at the bones in that, look at all it can do! How it helps me balance and everything. Then i think of my lungs, how they make me breath, well they are kinda storage tanks. Thats the way i see it. Storage tanks for air for me to breathe. That God has given me this life i am thankful.

* * *

Do you question your being?
i did. i still do. it not a question that can be answered unless you are listening.
God is waiting for you to hear him in the songs.
He is waiting for you to see him in the fields.
He is waiting for you to rejoice his name in the day.
and the night.
he is waiting for you.


i cant type at the moment im kinda drunk maybe ill come back to this tomorow and sorty ou thet typios.
i just want to rant abvot how much i hate it when epeopl screw yoiu over
i know im a cock tease but thats just a cover up on how insecure i am
and how much i hate myself
i hate it when peple screw you over
i said tat alre3ady didnt i?
oh well
theres one person that i want to flip my finger to
yeah you know who you are
so fuck out of my life
im am not matched to you
i dont think you and i match
i dont think our kiss fits together
i think we are incompatable
and i hate o
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
for making me his way
this sinister
old fool
fuck off out of my life
i didnt mean tthat
i want you in my life
but i cant have you in my life
and i hate it
but thats the way it is
you will screw me over angain and again
and i hate you for it
but i still cant stoip loving you foor iut

Im not going to correct the typos after looking at this i think i done quite well for my condition. But its scary looking at what i read because i really dont remeber typing or thinking any of this. Maybe its my subcontious screaming out to me.

Thursday, 13 August 2009


If you saw through my eyes Lord would you see the way i see
Or would you see simply your way?
If you could see through my eyes would your sight be hazed with jealousy?
Would you see red upon the things i disagree with?
Or would you see with all perfect clear-ness?

If you smelt through my nose Lord would you pick out the things i smell?
Or would you Simply smell the way you do?
Would you be drawn to the fresh cut grass as i am?
Would you Pick up the smell of fresh air?
Or would you smell everything?

If you felt with my touch Lord would you feel the same as i?
Or would you feel the greatness of everything?
Would you love the touch of heat from another person?
Would you love the feel of fresh cut prickly grass?
Would you love the trickle of sand through your finger tips?
Or would you feel everything as great as each other?

If you taste with my tongue Lord would it taste the same to i?
Or would you reach for different things?
Would you decline a plate of seafood?
Would you gorge a chocolate bar?
Or would every thing taste wonderful to you.

If you hear through my ears Lord, Would you hear the same as i?
Or would you hear angels for everything?
Would you love the sound of a babies laugh?
Would you hear solitude when listening to Yiruma?
Or would everything sound wonderful to you.

As you have created all. I am posed with these questions i wonder about what you see when you look through my eyes. Do you see the computer screen or do you see the soul i put into my writing? Is there anyone really there that i am talking to or is it once again a rouge for me to talk to myself once more.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Lay there waiting, Grasping

A shower of worries waves over me quick.
As a lion i cower under my paw.
The cat inside me cries out in shame.
What the hell am i crying for?

Stretching my arms above my head.
Reaching up to the stars up and away.
My head lolls around on my neck.
Claiming a busy hectic day.

Laying down with the fresh grass beneath me.
my belly to the moon looking down.
my hair as a fan all around my face.
Not the slightest trace of a frown.

My peachy perky body lies still on the grass.
My arms spread eagled around.
Grasping the air in my hands and my lungs
Awaiting the oncoming sounds.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009


Shredded and torn and flung to the floor
Are pieces of me that i dont want anymore
The callous mistakes i claimed had no hold
The lies and deciet as i'd cave in and fold.
Ripped and peeled away from my person
With each of these memories the pain would just worsen
Folding my self so no longer am seen
Float in the wind, no trace where i've been.
Scratching and tearing my life into pieces
The feeling of worthlessness soon decreases
Like a jigsaw put away on a shelf where ill be
One piece just missing making me me.

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Many Moons ago.

The sky is meant to be held up with pin tack stars. However when i looked up last night i saw that the stars were replaced with no nails aeroplanes. Which isn't how the blanket of darkness is meant to be. The lightbulb moon, shines through as normal but there are meant to be the pin tack stars to hold it up, shining through, they dont move, they stay there, they are reliable. They hardly ever move. No nails aeroplanes scoot arouns all nigth replaceing the mellow dull yellow glow of the pin tack stars with a pulsing red/blue, red/blue light.
Whilst i was looking up at the light bulb moon last night i did indeed notice how brightly it was shinning! it was almost blinding. But i couldnt look away. It was as if i was having a staring contest with the man in the moon. If i dont move he wont move and on and on. It odd how lonely the moon looked with out his baby stars planted around him. He looked lost in a field of marshmellow.

im wrong

when i wake up and ill look at my reflection
i wonder where my life will take me today
will it pay
the sun has only risen and i scared of many things
to come im dreading each thing i have to do
and see you
''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die
if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''
Roaming my mind i see there are missing memories
ones that i block out to see
so they dont see me
Black corridors of doom where im glideing
to the corner where i plan on hideing
from you
''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''
When the memories gone from my view
then ill walk with my head held high
only then can i move forward
to the long lost tears ill say good bye
''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

What would it take to make you see?

-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
when did you get into hillsong then?
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
ageeeeeeees ago lol
some one showed me a song they sung on youtube and i got stuck ever since
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
is it just a music thing then or a religious thing? cos it is mainly an international church
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
i do know that lol. for me it began whoely as a music thing i admit but it eveloved lol im not gonna break into a whole it changed my life i can feel God move through me thing but it definatly changed the way i see and feel with the whole religeon palava in my life
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
thats so cool
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
haha it is?
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
God is speaking to everyone, just not enough people listen, and you are, so thats awesome!
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
lol your so cute. Its just sad. I feel sorry for the people that dont open their ears, or believe in anything enough to change their ways/lives
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
but i understand thats not my problem. you cant make people believe or see what they dont want to. Music worked for me. But others are diferent
oh i may post our conversation on my blog i am loving how deep it has turned
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yeh thats fine lol
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
people are just way too self asured, and completly unwilling to let themselves be vunerable. People build up their little walls around them, where they take complete controll of their lives, and are crushed when it fails. if you let God take controll of your life He can do truly incredible things
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
but suely not God acts through you so when you are taking your life in your own hands they are his hands too?
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yes but you have to let him act through you. He cant work through you if you don't let him
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
you may not even notice it sometimes though so how can you determmin whether it is him or you? [playing devils advocate here]
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
Planning for tomorrow is time well spent; worrying about tomorrow is time wasted. Worriers are consumed by fear and find it difficult to trust God. They let their plans interfere with their relationship with God. Don’t let worries about tomorrow affect your relationship with God today
matthew 6.23
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
ooh i like it !
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
thats the difference ^
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes
same quote different translation
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
in other words. 'dont worry about a thing. cos every little thing. is gonna be alright' i love how you quote the bible and i quote bob marley.
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
damn straight
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
a nice paraphrase of matts gospel there
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
''So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.'' - Conclusion
i like that one ^
the new living translation


Smiles create an intense warm feeling
that grows from the tips of your fingers
to the edges of your lips,
and just keeps reeling.
Until your face contorts to a resemblence
of the inferno that strikes through your chest
and soon begins to make no sense.
When your chest seizes up.
And your body shakes.
Your breathing increases.
Your smile is halfing.
I do believe that you are laughing.
Its not hard.
Just a simple act.
That shows your human.
Not in a pack.
This emossion suppressed will die.
Will wilt and cower in the dark.
Till no more will there be a trace
Of the happiness that once was spread,
Clearly and joyfully across your face.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Im lonely. and have no idea on how i am to stop it all.

Alright. So here i am.
I feel so lonely right now that it has affected my temperature.
I feel cold.
Its not nice.
Its as if im only half here.
As if the other half is residing with Grandadio.
Making sure he is not too lonely.
As he lies in bed.
Soaked in pain.
I feel sick to the stomache to think that this will make him better.
Its a crying shame that it wont.
It will make him worse.
Whats the point i say?
Prolonging his life, but making it uncomfortable.
Where is the justice that he should live his last months like this?
Where ungrateful men walk around care free with no health problems at all.
And im sitting here in pyjamas wrapping my arms around myself.
Trying to hold myself together.
So that when he comes out, i will be whole enough for all of us who arnt.
Then theres Jasmin.
How will she cope?
How can i help her though this?
How can i make it all better?
What can i do?
Its all going wrong and i cant stop this winding fall that we are all facing.
Show me the way God.
Show me what i need to do.

Smoking Kills

The smell lingers on me. I cant seem to shake it off. That poignant smell of cigarette smoke clinging to my skin and hair and clothes and nails and eyelids and lips and everything. Its suffocating me, wrapping itself around me as a constant reminder of what has taken away half of my family and has more captured in its wrath, under its thumb. I will never escape the devastation's that it has causes. That grey tar that clogs the lungs and slowly kills its victims from the inside out.

No one who accepts readily the challenges that smoking invites understands, they haven't watched their family fall apart one by one through this, that smoking not only kills the person inviting the clouds of darkness down their throats, but also kills a part of those left walking the earth. Me. After years of inviting puff the magic dragon down into your lair you will die. No matter what you say. You WILL die. Why cause it to come sooner? I ask you this.

Thinking of the casualties that smoking causes, i wonder who the hell would invent such a thing? Why would you bring forth such a thing that tears hearts and families apart? That kills the body that God gave us to cherish and worship. I pity you who has no respect, because respect build a person into a better person.

And after ranting i breath a deep breath in and i am once again reminded of that smell that is clinging to me. I want to shrug it of me, scrub so hard until no reminance resides on my skin. And reminds me of the graves that are full and the ones that are dug freshly awaiting my brother and my sister and my brother in law and my aunty and my uncle and .. and .. and .. my grandad..ready to be reunighted with my nan.

I had a bad day

Today i am having a bad day.
But i'm not the only one.
Someone i care about alot is haveing a very rough time at the moment and i can nothing at all to help him.
Chemo sounds like the pitts.
My Grandadio started today.
It doesnt sound much like a bunch of roses i must say.
Then again roses always did smell like poo-oo-oo-o.
I watched the film my sisters keeper with my sister the other week.
It was about a girl who had leukemia.
And had to undergo Chemo.
The effects were too real, it was sad.
And now i am sad.
I hurt my finger as well.
Its not been a very good day.
I also found out today, that that bag i loved o so much, was infact fake.
I will never trust chinese men again.
I thought he looked a tad fishy.
I was listening to my ipod today.
And the band [im not sure whether to call it a band or not but i will for now]
Hillsong came up.
Its a christian group of youngsters that praise God.
And i felt all the hairs on me raise, and a warm feeling,
like protection,
washed over me.
I want my grandadio to feel that.
All i need now is to find out how.
What a day.

Monday, 3 August 2009

Its time

Its time for a letter to nobody.
Dear Nobody,
I have decided to send you a letter because i know that you alone will pass no judgement
upon what i am about to reveal.
At the moment i feel my soul is empty, clinging onto nothing inperticular.
I have been reading a lot, glueing myself to characters and hoping i will fall into their lives.
Hoping that if i wished it enough they would let me fall between the pages
and become one of them.
I has not happened yet needless to say.
I feel that i need to show myself what i have to make myself believe it.
Countless photos of the dearest beside my bed.
Inanimate objects that remind me of far away happy times.
Blissful moments where i momentarily forget myself.
Constantly wondering whether i will ever see the shadow of my past wholesome self.
See i knew that you would understand.
You feel it too dont you nobody?
The hatred that spoils in your blood when you hear of the unfairness that leaks in the world
Reaking of bad salesmen, cheating governments and no-good adults.
Constantly making mistakes.
Constantly covering them up with a perfum with a bad smell.
But we know!
Tell me, write back, what do you feel?
what makes your blood boil?
peace forever more.
casper - the original

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Forget her

Forget her. That girl with the suicide blonde hair and the eyes that spelt pain. A blue that continued for eternity spinning in spirals mapping out her journey home.
Forget her. Almost as soon as it was on it was off, like someone with a romote flicking through the channels to find the best to suit the mood. That girl didn't suit your mood. She will always wonder in the wrong direction, so theres no point in chasing after a whisp of air.
Forget her. She minds, i can tell you this, she doesnt want to be forgoten but this is her destiny. To lead away from the trouble she has caused.
Forget her.