Thursday, 25 February 2010

..along the coast of my dreams..

''A true love story never ends'' - Is this true? Can it be that if i have met my true love he will jump back into my life? Would i notice if he walked into my life for the first time? Because i am sure, i a mean i am damn sure, that i havent met him yet. I can't have! None of them men in my short life have, well ok there has been one that has swept me off my feet, and there has been on who makes me feel totally comfortable with myself but none that stick around. Its annoying because i still feel it.

WELL SAY GOODBYE. It's time to say goodbye to all this crap about heartache. I am giving up my heart for a while. Putting it in a box, locking it in a hotel room on route 66. I need time to heal and to live. I'm going to stick my life into reverse to the time where i was at my peek, happy, hyper, hippy, and ready to party 24/7 baby, then drive in a banged up pick up or a mustang along the coast of my dreams.

A DREAMER. That's what i'm born to be and a life i am born to live. Dreaming.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

There, there is one of my sordid secrets

I don't do pictures. Not in my blog anyway, they make it pretty and pleasing to look at, but i want the reader to notice the raw edges in each piece of writing.

Today i want to talk. To anyone and everyone. I feel i can't say this outloud for fear of being shuned, for fear of being told to be quiet and to stop moaning but i need to drain it from me somehow so this is how it goes.

I am one of those girls and i didnt even realise it till it was too late. Those girls that want what they can't have. What they shouldn't have. Chasing the challenge whilst ignoring the conquests. But today i have realised the errors in my ways and i vow to lock myself away along with my habits. I am a bunny-boiler. I hate to admit it and it shall never happen again whilst i am aware. There, there is one of my sordid secrets. And i am sorry. I'd like to say that i didn't know he had a girlfriend and i'd like to say that i believe that there could be something between us and thats the reason for my absurdness but i'd be lying. I haven't 'done' anything per say...but enough that draws him in. And now it's my fault for a broken heart. I put upon someone else what i felt i could have died of at one point in my life.

And here is for my pity point. I am suffering from ignorance. Treading water in a world where i don't know where i belong. I often believe that i can live without the men in my life but i can not. Or more i would not want to despite needing to get away from it all. I dont know what to do!!!! Oh curse you cupid! Curse you and your misguided arrows that bring me to my knees. DRAMA QUEEN MUCH? yeh. sorry. I just want to make a desicion on what i am going to do or rather not going to do and stick to it! A guy, a very goodlooking guy, a charmer though. Can bring me up and can bring me down. I know that i would. i know i would but could i? A one night stand for my first time would be a tad slaggish/sluttish no? But every time i hear something or see something that reminds me of that one person i stop and fumble on what i am doing and just want them.

I want them. Right here. But i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.
Would he? Would he give into me for one night?

Should i?

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Life on blue smarties..

As i'm burning rubber, racing full speed at 200 mph into a crush i believed was more, i'm spinning deeper into an abyse of self-destruction. The timer is set and the countdown begun, it's a one-way track, it's hte life i have chosen, i have an impulsive personality that makes me grab at the smallest thing and see it in vivid futuristic colours. I am who i was mean't to be. How can i fault this? When i look into the mirror and see puppy eyes and love hearts floating above my head and a thought cloud with the latest name i simply see me.
Life on blue smarties is like living on weed, on coffee, a constant ringing in your ears, a buzzing in your head a motivation to learn, to gain, to seek, to find, to explore, TO UNDERSTAND. Many say love is a battlefield, that we should arm ourselves with our hearts. Others say love is could nine and eternal bliss is rewarded. I say love is in your being and whatever you put your being into you put your love. Love is what you give and what you recieve. Kind of like karma, but i guess a more pacifistic terminology.
Should you set out to seek love, well all you will find is an empty pocket and a drained heart. Patience cqan offten lighten your load, give it time, and your John Smith with come and discover you.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Sealed with a kiss, my destiny is my fate.
link of events, chain of it's too late's.
what i do wrong, i guess ill never know.
singletons lane 90^ below

poison creeps in my kiss
kills my hope in one sweeping motion
to save myself i must save my victim
and seal and hide any emotion.

Rom-com's and chic flic's infected my brain
making me think what i wanted was sane
wishing on stars, believing in fate
foot pop's and swoons on our first date.

Poison floats in my kiss
a potion i can't control at my will
with a seal of the lips i end all future
live to dream of a romance i know i cant fulfill.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

History repeats itself....

I can't understand why whilst i am being chased i can not run. Why am i crying when what im crying over is already done? Theres nothing i can do, i cant erase the past or try again. Walking under one solitary cloud drowning in the rain. It hurts to think that there is no evidence, no scar to boast or scar to show. You'll only see if you really look, deep in my eyes into my soul for only there you'll know. Thrashing about my soul desperate to get out quick, desperate to escape before its too late and im sick. Sick of this life where its clear im unhappy, theres only one thing that polars this and thats out of reach. Me and my soul and my love alone on the beach.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Its like walking through a desert for so long
that the taste of sand in your mouth is a comfort.
It's like waking up each morning
after the same nightmare consoled by the familiarity.
But when you taste the sweetness of newness
comfort and familiarity are forgoten.
When you experience the excitment of life
you don't want to go back.
Its like forever living in a hole
used to the silence and the darkness.
Its like folding into yourself
against the cold unhappiness you know.
But when the world falls from beneath your feet
the adrenaline rush keeps you floating.
When the fresh air sweeps you sideways
and you realise you want it.