The internet youtube guy.

He scratched his chin. But i saw no face. Just a shape against the black, no eyes to put in place.
If i could see his eyes, i would be quick to bet. he put his heart and being in to that fret.
His fingers spun music into magic.
And the magic spun its way in to my bloodstream.

The music fed my soul.

S.S.S. ~ Sensuous Soul Sex

Waited for this feeling to embrace me again.
Hoped that my senses had not dulled with time.
But love paints your world a vivid red.
Between hope and destiny a fine line.
Like waking up from a deep calm sleep.
To walk into a world so loud and sweet.
Listen to the hard beat of your soul.
Feel the sensous jolt from your head to your feet.
Breath in the sweat of your soul mates desires.
And hold on to your heart as we climb.
This ride pulls a sound from the depth of your throat.
A small short death starts time.

Dedicated to rob lol

Two souls belong to one mind.
Joined with a length of thread. A thread of thought.
In sync with the sun.
Two become one. Two bodies one mind.
The melody that plays from one heart to the other.
Dances in the sun dotes forever.
A sweet love that wont burn out.
Two souls belonging to each mind.
Each hold a half, but live one being.
Together or not, but not without seeing.

and then the pigeon came with questions...

I've become a shadow in the stream of light that used to be my life.
Each path i take its seems to me's the reason behind each mistake.
When i close one door, im left in a hall with no more doors or windows.
As autumn drifts by im left in the pool of leaves .

The pond is dry, the fish are dead.

Not one listened to a word i said.

I'm swimming in the night and im blinded by the stars.
I just can't see the sun for looking, im drowning im drowning.
I see a glimpse of the world ahead but i have to pass this level first.
Too hard, too weak, to finish the hour, the day, the week.

Painted up, my eyes are empty.

It's now clear they could not see.

Crawling along, in my bubble of ink, white eyes eager with delight.
Theres a dove and its flying, its landing on my bubble.
It see's me clear, my hurt, my pain, my sins the trouble im in.
But i forgot ive have no sight, this dove i see is merely a pigeon.

Cold me, with a warm heart.

where and when did this all start?

gsdoih

And then the pigeon asked me why i roll alone in oil?

And then the pigeon asked me why i can't see beyond my world?

I said dear pigeon for i am in mourning, i'm mellow and meek.

I said dear pigeon i know not why, i guess its not been my week.

sweet venomous callings

The poison is seeping into my bloodstream
through my veins, it snakes its way around
breathing in my warm sweet clean blood
and excreting hate without a sound.
I open my mouth and out comes a sound
unknown to my mind it seeps from my tongue
sweet venomous callings, like a lullaby tune
waiting for a victim ready to be hung.
Hanging in my noose i'm already hung
my head lolled to the side with eyes bright with fear
my head is spinning on a poll, eyes darting quick
waiting for a warning even though i can not hear.

Note on Epiphany

I left on a rather abrupt note after Epiphany and that's because i finally found out what i needed to do to move on.
I kept a few things in a box.
I threw them away.
I moved on.
It was surprising at first because i didn't even stop to look and read them again i simply threw them into my bin.
And now i feel so light that i could float up.
well i did.

Totally bummed ):

Ding ding ding.

We have a winner.

Casper has found a new way to feel totally bummed out when she thought it was no longer possible.

New totally, fab, super duper handbag, and shes feeling happy, which is really something !!

You know that feeling when you are holding that new purchase in your hands, its yours to keep for ever and ever and you just feel like you couldnt be happier...???

... yeah well it just wore off. :\ Great times.

Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples,

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are everywhere. FB status 'so and so have just got together...' 'so and so is no longer listed as single.. UNLIKE YOU !! YOU BIG FAT LOOOOSER !!! '

yeah thanks FB you really make my day now.

Its as if all i see are couples and its driving me bonkers !!

I thought i was perfectly happy with being single. I am for heavens sake !

But come on give me a break !!!

I know i am single

I dont need it tatooed on my forehead ??

I dont need it publicaly displaced across my page.

I dont need the world to rejoice at my toatal and utter loneliness.

Well screw this boys and girls.... i am not single anymore ?!!!

Im devoting myself to God.

How d'ja like me now bitches ????

trick or treat? Lets play.

And so i turn on to this page where i thought that feelings were true
their just muffled by the sounds i make of things i say and do.
a crazy maze and game of luck im flung into the lair
where their are no rules and in this game all and nothing is ever fair
who to trust, to put your faith where to turn you have no clue
becuase all you hear and see you'll never know if its true
this world is a vicious trap for those with bright eyes and ears
so watch and be ready to leap and attack when confronted with your fears
no one is safe no friends do you have your alone as you walk on this earth
make do with your senses you in danger till death and the game began from your birth
despair in the mind is a wicked omen where all you see is a wolf
the wolf's in my eyes not a trick of the light nothing and all is false.

Pinch punch first day of the month no returns !

Good morning, good afternoon good evening, for when ever you are reading this. I know it has been a long time since i last typed, and i have some news. Same old laugh, same old humour, same old features, brand new smile, brand new phone, and a brand new me.
Just turned 18 and have just thrown out my old heart so i have room for my new one. Yes you heard me right, i have closed that door at last and am now ready for a new adventure, new poems, new thoughts and new laughs. I went on my first legal pub/club crawl last night and would you bloody believe it i only got id-ed once ! ONCE !? what is the world coming to? So yes you would have thought oh dear i should have a head ache the size of mongolia right ? No. I feel fine which is slightly worrying.
So i guess your wondering now i have closed the old door who my next boy target is ey ? Well to tell you the truth i dont have one.. no i have many :P There is simply not enough time in the world in my teen years for me to limit myself i have just realised. No i am not a slut. I am just the biggest cock tease you will find and the biggest virgin (: Twas quite funny last night, a fight nearly broke out and to stop it i used my body and a couple of sexy moves to split it. Its great how the mans mind can only focus on one thing and love triumps always (:
New hair?? Oh yes indeed ! have shoter hair now and i have a full fringe ! Apparently it suits me so i am going to keep it ! Tell me about it ! so many changes so little time ! Its great i feel fantastic ! i feel brand new like a totally different person to the one i was 3 weeks ago. This new skin i have crawled into seems like a snug fit to me and i like it !
To wrap it up id just like to say that i say 'just' and 'lol' way to much so i am cutting down ! the new wordkins diet. And a happy all hallows eve see any ghosts and ghouls of old times past? Me neither (:

peace out punks.

Bite marks

Theres something in my eye
but its not hayfever season
theres a feeling in my stomache
but im sure there is a reason
am i slowly going mad
cos im having these strange thoughts
i seem to have misplaced my mind
under my pillow of sorts

This disease is having a slight affect on me
This bug, thats going around
seems it didnt at all miss me
ive got bite marks on my neck
telling me flipping heck
i have fallen, head, over heels, in love.

There is something on my mind
telling me that this isnt right
theres a feeling in my soul
thats squeezing my stomach tight
i cant think at all at a moment like this
theres one person thats running my mind
he's been catching my eye
and ive been getting behind

This disease is having a slight affect on me
This bug, thats going around
seems it didnt at all miss me
ive got bite marks on my neck
telling me flipping heck
i have fallen, head, over heels, in love.

l. o. v. e. l . o. v. e.

Epiphany

This is all i seem to be doing. I'm walking down the same street and falling down the same hole. When will i ever damn well learnt that its time to turn back around, start form the beginning and try and new route. Because every fall hurts more and more each time because its ripping off an old scab and there only so many plasters in the world that can hold this wound together. I have no idea what i have to do to stop this poison running through my veins. Every thought and every action flows back to the source and fucks everything up again. I mean music made me. It literally made who i am today, everything i am is because of music, yet because of music i am dying inside. Its cutting me up then building me back to strength just to rip me back down again.

I feel so strongly about doing everything myself. Being strong and a feminist but i really think its time to call in the mean guys cos i seriously need saving. This shell that i have been living in has gotten far to comfy.

I have just had an epiphany. I know what to do. I know what i must do to leave the past in the past. There is something i have held on to that i must throw away. That i must get rid off. Its hidden from my sight but my sub conscious mind know sits still there.

Cotton wool society.

Cotton wool society.

Teenage angst has grouped the young
has seperated us from the them
We are the generation for the one just begun
not ready to stand but who knows when.

Spoon fed children bloat the earth
Take up so much time and energy.
They're not given that they need wide berth
To learn their mistakes like many.

Wrapped up in our worlds behind
our phones, computers, t.v's
crossed eyes and paths but we dont mind
no see no hear, no hear no see.

Living in a cotton wool society
we no longer use our minds
we have all lost the ability
to explore further than our binds.

Hope can kill a thousand rays of sun when the thing that you hoped for the most died.
And that ray of light that was quietly growing inside you is extinguished in seconds.
No matter how much you disbelieve in something, No matter how much you lie to yourself,
There is ALWAYS one spec of dust of hope clinging to the back of your mind.
And that spec of dust of hope can still bring you down with enough force that you stumble over your words.
That i stumble over my words, over my feet, over my world.
That's slowly piecing itself together after that piece of an atom blew up in my face.

Hope is something that can build nothing into a huge something.
Hope is always associated with happiness and opportunities and optimism.
Hope is always associated with sadness, nothingness and pessimism.

My faith in hope has plummeted, its lucky that i believe in making my own luck isn't it ?

I <3 this ....

I heart this button. Its in the shape of a smiley face, and its smiling at me. Just me, becuase when i hold this button it sees only me in its world. Its smile is so big that it fills up my heart. And all it can see is me. Me, me ,me, me, me.

I heart this mark on my hand. I burnt myself and it has left a jelly bean shape on the back of my hand under my thumb. I happen to think its cute. I hope it stays there. I hope it doesn't fade.

The opinionated girls' opinion of Love....

If i were to write a book i would call it ''curiosity killed Casper''. Simply because that phrase sums my life up. It was the phrase that begun my writing, that began my cyber life, that begun me. [Woah i just had a dizzy spell, i swayed on my swirly computer chair. Well that was weird.] So yeah, im going to write a book, and i think i should write it all about love because i have so much experience in it and yet no understanding at all. How funny life can be sometimes. The way that my eyes work is that what i see is what i get, however i still seem to be looking into things way to deeply. Reading into the tinniest detail is i think the part where i go wrong. I have no doubt that i am not the only one that does this. I know that in your chairs you are sitting in, you are nodding along with me. If your not then you must be pretty lucky. Do you feel lucky? No ? Maybe you are lying to yourself? Hm ?

The women of today are too obsessed with finding the perfect man to settle and mate with that they are screwing up their own minds. I am not saying that i don't do this, i am probably the worst at it. I know what i want, and that my darlings is where i go wrong, every time.

Forever dreaming of a perfect love, eyes meeting across the room, a fantasy man, whom i picture to adore my every mole. Sometimes i think that reading has captured my imagination and that im still living in a book, the girl who lives alone wandering aimlessly till her prince charming rescues her from her own mind. Ha. Laughable i know. Who knows? Maybe i have met him and he has past me by as i have him. I guess i'll never know until cupid aims his damn arrow towards my butt. Or until i get bitten by that damn bug that has nested in my school and is infesting my friends around me. Immunity to a disease everyone else has, makes you feel kinda lonely. One more thing for you to be singled out from. One more thing that makes you different from everyone else.

God knows im not alone, i mean i know i sound like a sad sack and there are girls out there who are reading my blog/book thinking ''heck your not the only girl !!''. I know and i do acknowledge you all. For we are all sitting in the same over weighed sinking boat. Im just another girl waiting for a star to fall into her hands.

I believe that there is a match for us out there. Someone that makes us feel like our hair on our necks is standing up, that we feel we are perfectly, blissfully complete with. Someone that can change a shitty day into an great day just because they smiled at you. Someone that loves you back, despite everything and anything because in the end your life is theirs and theirs is yours. Who would have thought a rude, obnoxious, arrogant, stubborn girl like me could be such an old romantic? Well the old romantics do say [and when i say old romantics i mean me], ''love fools everyone but nothing fools love.'' Because you will know it. When that times comes for you to understand that you are made for each other you will know it. And when that day comes for me, i will know what to do, because it will feel like everyday is as naturally beautiful as it is when i am with him.

Tonight i will dream of the man that will change my life, and tomorrow i will wake up again feeling lonely and empty once more. And still hopelessly hopeful.

Deeper i have searched through mysteries untold,
and in the abyss of my torchered soul i found solice.
For here i sit with the answer resting in the palm of my hands,
A new me born unto my self. A begining of life and road un-paved.

I have come across that which wakens me and opens my eyes.
I can almost feel the stem cells twitching into place.
They are lacing into each other to build a bridge over the hole.
Stronger than i have felt before now i am.

My eyes are wide with excitement and anticipation,
For with this new strength and life i'll toy with pleasure.
And so the story begins and the life continues,
Where-upon Casper doth soar into buildings un-seen.

And so it begins....Its like the flu, love bug has been choosing its victims very carefully recently and has been biting the people around me. And no matter how much i reveal myself to this phenomenon, all i seem to catch is the flu. I must be resilient to this kind of bug.
My immune system is so tempremental, it will let me sniff and sneeze all day long but let me wither about inside uncomfortably whilst the ''others'' talk of ''the other night''.

There was a time when i was the one who was matched and floated on air. I miss those times. I miss being happy. I miss. I simply miss. Now is the time where i'm the odd, the gooseberry, the larry. Wandering silently on my own constantly searching for some epidemic to swathe me in cotton wool and make every fall feel like im soaring.

And what happens when they are leaping on to this podium they strive to stand upon. Where they strive to be. What happens to me? When they soon believe that that is 'the' place to be, that those below are beneath. What happens to us who keep our dignity and decide to wait whilst others look down and believe that we are the ones that disaprove?

And so it begins.....shunned from a group i once believed i belonged. Wandering and wondering alone long this road trying to find a companion who will understand. Cheer up they say. We are not 'sad' we are not directly 'unhappy' we are bored. Bored of the continuous drone of 'who done what'. Sex is only an action. It is only something when those who believe it to be, dont.

And so it begins.........

quirky song.

i'd take ulcer anyday
if i never had to feel this way again
oh oh oh oh oh oh
heart break of mine

in my opinion the pain is lesser
with an ulcer you got bongela
oh oh oh oh oh oh
with a heart you have none

take my pain in the bum of my heart
give me ulcers ill take.
the pain of a rip through this organ
is like peeling a really ripe onion
ill cry and cry my eyes will smart
ill say ill say its only hayfever.

Who'd have thought that an ulcer could be
less hurting than a sting from a bee
oh ho hoo
not a prick from the bow of cupid.

no silly love hearts
no velvet chocolates
oh
unrequited love

take my pain in the bum of my heart
give me ulcers ill take.
the pain of a rip through this organ
is like peeling a really ripe onion
ill cry and cry my eyes will smart
ill say ill say its only hayfever.

to annonymous...

Who ever you are.
you have spurned me on.
Thankyou for you encouragement.

you are loved
I wish you love luck and life.

casper
xooxxox

number 180.

Elated in my nightmares, my dreams dwell in despair
because i know that when i close, my eyes he's always there.
You may think you understand, when you have no idea,
I have lost his eyes his voice and face my deepest fear.
My memory stared fading and my screams are muted strings
for in my nightmares i no longer fear those stupid things.
For now i long to remember all things i used to hate,
Little things note just for him, but now its just too late.
I scratched away a part of me that now i want back bad,
The part that i associated with him and all things sad.
Woe is me the suicide blonde with eyes so blue with tears
what i once dreamed would give me peace are now my dreaded fears.
One small word i cling to now because i gives me peace,
One small word i'll cling to now until the day i cease.
'Really?!' can you blame me for this hole i dug my self?
I made my bed, i'll lie in it, where worms can help themself.
That small word can send a thousand jolts up through my spine
one memory i treasure now and till the end of time.
Nestled in that hole that used to live my broken heart,
i huddle with the parts that stayed for fear they will depart.
A hole for a heart.
A lemon for a smile.
A dime for everytime that they run a mile.
A pea for a brain.
A nut for my armour.
A cut for each time i fall for a charmer.