Written on the night i couldn't sleep. At all.

I am a dust dote.

Fluttering through the thick summer air.

Tumbling and toiling into this and that, no real direction to follow.

No arroe to guide me north, south or east.

Just mezmerised by the view of life from this angle,

so vulnerable and troubled.

I toil at the idea of falling from my westerly wind,

drifting me towards my new home.

So frightened of the landing that i keep myself high.

Hovering above the flames,

which light me a thousand colours.

I explode into nothing.

Free falling with no foot holds.

Tumbling through this thick air
with my arms in front of me

reaching for unknown obstacles

searching for something to hold onto

meerly looking for a foot hold.

I have my eyes closed against the blast of cold mist

i like the feel of it against my eyelids

the choice to be anywhere i want

with a flicker of my lids im here then there

a world of unknown places to be explored with my mind.

Theres droplets lightly landing on my arms

Spleckling me with sparkles that are sad

Im growing too big to fit in this world i think

I want to shrink back to size. Pocket size sounds good to me.

But things never go to plan do they?

Theres no light bulb on behind my eyes anymore.

This is so damn confusing! I am most definitely still in love with Coliflower. That is a fact. But i feel like i have feelings for Broccoli too, granted not as strong. No where near as strong. But how can i harbour feelings for Broccoli whilst i am still in this state? Its annoying because at a moment like this where i have to sit in a room which i once shared lustful glances across with Coliflower my feelings for Broccoli are overpowered, they seem so minimal that they almost dont exist. As if i will never feel like this for anyone else ever again. I mean ive been like this for over 5 months now, you would have thought that would have been long enough, but oh no. Why cant i move on? Why cant i get over it? Its like it will never end. Like no other feeling with match or measure up to this. And it pains me to say but its true, any feelings i have for Broccoli are overpowered by those of Coliflower. Its an endless circle.

I feel like a monster because, looking back on it i have been leasing Broccoli on, as if i could leave everything behind me and take that place once more. It feels like my life is a Nintendo game, where i cannot move up a level unless i complete each task or have seen every clip, its as if i have to do my very own tick list before i can finally get over him.

Im kinda empty. Im no angel that you can hold on to and float up to the sky with oh no. Im empty, a shell, now theres no light bulb lit up behind my eyes. Ill never be able to love somebody again with this much force, its left a mark upon me. I put everything in to this love with out even realising, and the worst part it i tried to prepare myself for this, i new it had to end soon and yet i still ended up like this. I just didnt want to believe it.

Now i have nothing left to give. Im sorry.

back paddling.

Dont want to forget

dont want to remember either

going out of my mind

and i just want to find her

that girl with blonde hair

back before all the drama

would never have cared

or let anyone harm her

i want to be strong

and want to forget

but i can live just as long

i never remember

it hurts to think

it hurts to feel

i want to take this stupid heart and rip it from my chest

because all i seem to do is hurt

why cant i live with out a heart huh ?

cant i live with a pump instead one that doesnt have feelings

i cried today.

i fucking cried over a fucking boy. a BOY !?

i know !

and oh no this isnt recent. after all this time im still hung.

hand me a noose and let me get it over with.

please

im definatly sure its more humaine than letting me live like this.

GOD ! oh damn even that makes me think and then makes me hurt.

ill give my self up., theres no more i can do.

who was i kidding
here i am slipping
all the way back
its a one way track
the low hard beat
silent steps like your feet
walk along the contours
slamming all the doors
ripping up the floors
its out of my hand
its up to the band
who play the sounds of my heart.
plan each stab from the start
who could i fool
my hearts just a tool
i lied to myself
shoved my soul on the shelf
thought i could live life like a shell
so no one heard when i would yell
so that was all that i could sell
now i know
to myself i owe
i cant keep running
from all im shunning
ill give myself up
to save my soul
ill give myself up
to keep myself whole.

Vanquish

All i really need right now
the harsh wind howling in my ears
The motion of flying through the years
All i need is speed.

First gear thrid gear fourth gear fifth
Augmentate, eliviate
Faster and faster drive out the hate
Hear the engine purr in my ear.

Me and Austin matin Vanquish
Leather seats beaneath my jeans
Black converse trainers all my means
Hopeing with the speed i'd vanish.

lies, dirt and breath.

Sending tingles down my spine
i look 'twards the sky
i bow my head down
and plead with the ground
if i cannot float upstream with the clouds
please open beneath me and swallow me whole

With my hands by my ears
and my eyelids shut tight
i hold my breath and wait for the dawn
my nails dig deeper into my palms
im kicking and screaming
like a child in pain

sometimes i wonder
if im traveling backwards
ready to greet my birth and death
will i see before my eyes
my life i lived with every breath
hold me now forever hold my peace

breathless i stumble
and fall to my knees
where the dirt in my mouth wont wash away my sins
i crawl through the mud
my blood trails behind
and out from my mouth flows my soul with its own mind.

sordid tales of human adventures. #2

my brittle words hang in the air like icicles or stalagtights
your deep dark eyes they pierce a hole through my dreams
and watch me fall.
a never ending never fading fall i loose the time
i feel im chasing my own fate through doors im just to big
although the fact that i cant reach the key for my desires
like brittle words my brittle tears come a sweeping
with my weeping
and through this wood i stand transfixed i see the signs
without a destination fails
the army of clones paint my face and leave me in a game of cards
of luck
uncertainty

. . .

a flicker of light my own eyes open
to the burning rays of sun
as if i sleept through dreams so prominant
i turn around to see my future
almost ready to eat me whole
swallow me
encapsulate me
envelope me in the darkness they call fear
for me the fear parrelle to death
an adventure i await to see
that feeling of mortal loneliness
can stab with the dagger of sordid tales of human adventures.

Rain in my heart...

with the rain in my heart
i feel cold to your touch
the clouds in my head
dont cloud very much . . .
im numb to the outside
but for you i am warm
the thunder it rolls
separation im torn . . .
with the rain in my heart
i swear to be true
my life in existance
not the same without you . . .
theres a whole that will gape
till you return to my side
and forever will it stay
no matter how much i cried . . .
with the rain in my heart
i wont say goodbye
your soul i will hold
till the day i will die.

Witness

Cold hands placed on my cold heart to hold the broken pieces together.

Head hung in shame to face my feet, the heaviness in place forever.

Lost in my own mind, searching for the hunger feeding of my soul.

Burrying my warmth in the back on my mind to keep me from whole.

A voice like honey melts in my ears, tempting and calling me out.

It wraps around my soul and tugs for realeas till i shout.

"NO! not anymore can i take this helplessness you surround me."

I couldnt stop myself when i thought of you and what i want to be.

"i hate this i hate this, with God as my witness"

Ill scream but i really mean take me away with your hands so warm around my heart.