Tuesdays mood.

The teacup in which i am sitting is painted in the most amazing colours, bright stars, castles and turets, turtles and tropical fish, dancing among the swirls of pinks and blues. But i sit in the dregs of tuesday's coffee, in black and white. My skin is pale and the slashes are visable to the naked eye, im so white that you can see through to my heart like an x-ray. Shivering in the cold coffee i call out for the girl about to finnish her drink to stop, to save me..thrashing about, treading water, i can see that its not going to end very well.

you want to hear?

Scream. i want to SCREAM! i want to shout out and let it out and finally rest in peace.

You. Your driving me CRAZY! you wont let me live, constantly there and i cant just forgive.

Take. you've TAKEN every last part of me thats worth anything, im just an empty box.

Cry. i cant even cry anymore because you've left me no more TEARS which arn't full of self pity.

humph. it's my mother's birthday today. and once again she manages to put a downer on everything. its as if nothing is EVER good enough for her. we try to make things special and different but she just throws it back in our faces with 'why did you bother'. its her birthday and she is determined to spend it with a frown on her face bringing my mellow down and shooting my blimp of happiness. but i wont let her. i wont let her drag me beneath the surface, i wont let her make me feel less, i wont. its put me in one of those moods where i want to cry and scream in to a pillow, where i want to tear out my hair, off my clothes and run through the streets and not stop until i am shot. its made me want to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep where i dont have to wake up. EVER.


if i could be anywhere with anyone doing anything. within a click of my fingers i know what i would choose. up in the sky on my own free falling. no guarantees. just me and the world rushing past me. the sea below me. anything i say these days is either in a singsong voice full of daisy's or a growl.

im spinning and spinning and i just cant stop, because i have that feeling in my stomach again. making me sick. making me want to tear my lungs out. theres a cancer growing in my thoughts and its polluting everything. a dark cloud hovering over anything and everything. its like im running and running through a forest, with twigs cutting and slicing my bare body, thorns twisting in my side, moss underfoot staining each step i take. theres no signs here for me, no red carpet to walk along, just me and my rushing blood tainting the earth with my dripping blood. i can see eyes looking at me, yellow with hunger hidden behind wooden trees, i can hear the silent hum of z's aiming there attack. crawling along the crypt, laden with bones i want to lay down to turn off. to switch off. to go.




im behind that door with the number 6 on it. in a room with red walls and nothing. crouched in the corner i close my eyes and listen. the hum is back. i can feel the pressure in my ears. i can feel the person inside me struggling to open the door, to get out to smell fresh air to be. but i push her back down and choke. choke on my insecurity. choke on my fears.

..along the coast of my dreams..

''A true love story never ends'' - Is this true? Can it be that if i have met my true love he will jump back into my life? Would i notice if he walked into my life for the first time? Because i am sure, i a mean i am damn sure, that i havent met him yet. I can't have! None of them men in my short life have, well ok there has been one that has swept me off my feet, and there has been on who makes me feel totally comfortable with myself but none that stick around. Its annoying because i still feel it.

WELL SAY GOODBYE. It's time to say goodbye to all this crap about heartache. I am giving up my heart for a while. Putting it in a box, locking it in a hotel room on route 66. I need time to heal and to live. I'm going to stick my life into reverse to the time where i was at my peek, happy, hyper, hippy, and ready to party 24/7 baby, then drive in a banged up pick up or a mustang along the coast of my dreams.

A DREAMER. That's what i'm born to be and a life i am born to live. Dreaming.

Relapse

Clawing my way back into that bubble
nudging my head into the side to slip in
clutching my body close to my chin
falling back into the same old routine.
rising and retreating my breasts to the sky
this breathing is harder for me since that guy
swallowing scratches my throat piece by piece
croaking 'til this wallowing does cease.
choking on my reasons why
retching on my pathetic excuse
addicted to a substance
i cant even abuse
i hate the person that i've become
i hate my new skin it skinks of weakness
gulping down a reason why
i cant be who i was before that guy
tear aways the layers of mellow
keep on going past my muscle
till you reach the window viewing
of my soul, there you will see
a tiny box with a tiny key
a tiny shred i kept of me.

Who can i be for you today?
I'm sorry but happy is out of stock.
We have only the sadness on display.

Can i intrest you in depressed?
Its very popular at the moment.
huh! who would have guessed.

We also have mood blue on sale
its going for 24/7, great deal.
and effective for even males.

Thankyou for shopping at cas's moods.com
i hope you enjoyed our customer service
Please tell us where we went wrong.

Pieces

Shredded and torn and flung to the floor

Are pieces of me that i dont want anymore

The callous mistakes i claimed had no hold

The lies and deciet as i'd cave in and fold.

Ripped and peeled away from my person

With each of these memories the pain would just worsen

Folding my self so no longer am seen

Float in the wind, no trace where i've been.

Scratching and tearing my life into pieces

The feeling of worthlessness soon decreases

Like a jigsaw put away on a shelf where ill be

One piece just missing making me me.

im wrong

when i wake up and ill look at my reflection

i wonder where my life will take me today

will it pay

the sun has only risen and i scared of many things

to come im dreading each thing i have to do

and see you

''if im wrong i fall i tumble

i crumble to my death inside

they'll look they'll point

they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble

i crumble to my death inside

im no good no good no good

baby ill cry''

Roaming my mind i see there are missing memories

ones that i block out to see

so they dont see me

Black corridors of doom where im glideing

to the corner where i plan on hideing

from you

''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''

When the memories gone from my view

then ill walk with my head held high

only then can i move forward

to the long lost tears ill say good bye

''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''

I had a bad day

Today i am having a bad day.

):

But i'm not the only one.

Someone i care about alot is haveing a very rough time at the moment and i can nothing at all to help him.

Chemo sounds like the pitts.

My Grandadio started today.

It doesnt sound much like a bunch of roses i must say.

Then again roses always did smell like poo-oo-oo-o.

):

I watched the film my sisters keeper with my sister the other week.

It was about a girl who had leukemia.

And had to undergo Chemo.

The effects were too real, it was sad.

And now i am sad.

):

I hurt my finger as well.

Its not been a very good day.

):

I also found out today, that that bag i loved o so much, was infact fake.

I will never trust chinese men again.

I thought he looked a tad fishy.

):

I was listening to my ipod today.

And the band [im not sure whether to call it a band or not but i will for now]

Hillsong came up.

Its a christian group of youngsters that praise God.

And i felt all the hairs on me raise, and a warm feeling,

like protection,

washed over me.

I want my grandadio to feel that.

All i need now is to find out how.

):

What a day.

Forget her

Forget her. That girl with the suicide blonde hair and the eyes that spelt pain. A blue that continued for eternity spinning in spirals mapping out her journey home.

Forget her. Almost as soon as it was on it was off, like someone with a romote flicking through the channels to find the best to suit the mood. That girl didn't suit your mood. She will always wonder in the wrong direction, so theres no point in chasing after a whisp of air.

Forget her. She minds, i can tell you this, she doesnt want to be forgoten but this is her destiny. To lead away from the trouble she has caused.

Forget her.

Missing myself

Im not me anymore. Sometimes i catch a glimpse of what i used to be but that sudden rayon of sunshine is soon overcast with the clouds in my eyes. Ive changed so much now that my normal state, my old self, isnt my normal state anymore. Have i changed for good?

Recently, ive noticed more gaps in the grey overcast skies, revealing the soul i was before the ''disaster'' and maybe thats who i am? I have to follow the light, the light at the end of the tunnel to find myself again. I dont know whether, though if i reach the end of the tunnel i will find myself. I will just have to wait and see. But so many pot holes are in there, and its a dark and lonely walk. But if i sprint im bound to fall. Is it him that i need to walk towards?

I feel like im letting people down by being sad, i feel like i will ruin their day or they will mock my mourning, so i paste my china doll quick fix no nails smile on. That way no one will ask questions. Or say anything mean. Or feel the need to go out of their way and make me smile for real.

of the day

hello. welcome to my blog of the day. 17.06.09. 16.45.

thought of the day. ''why cant i grant my conciousness peace.''

colour of the day. grey. a grey cloudy day for the pathetic falousy of my mood.

number of the day. 3. number of times i have wanted to gouge my eyes and memory out.

song of the day. ''full moon'' the blach ghosts.

i hate this enternal system, where i cant escape myself of these stupid thoughts. stupid girl. i can sit in a room, like a tin of sardines, brimming with people, and yet i will sit there, looking straight ahead, thoughts spinning this way and that. I like not being noticed, and i hate it when people ask if your ok. ofcorse im not ok! would a normal person truly trusting in themselves with nothing to worry about sit ice cold in a room of friends? no. that is your answer. but i know you will never leave me if i give you the real answer will you? so i lie. its only a white lie. it wont ever affect YOUR life. its like acid on my skin, burning away all the fences i ever put up, those eyes that look apon me. and when you ask whats wrong. how can i tell you when there is no end to that question. just an eternal system of wrong doings in my life. so next time you see me ask me only this.... .

Blameing myslef seems to be the only answer to the question of my life.

By casper. the original.

im living a life

Hello you, a well known fiend,
i welcome your presence
with open arms
embrace your presence
with no alarm
i understand your ways and thoughts
i see each clock
turn and tick
yet take it lieing down
each punch each kick.

i known the future.

as clear as the sun beams.
as predictable as the rising moon and falling stars.
ill walk into that black hole of doom
frozen and shattered to death.

yet each time i await my destiny with open arms
a warm breeze stops the
inevitable, my clogs un-popped.
i live a death. where i cant stand no more.

speech has escaped me.
sounds have clogged my ears.
and the sights i see no longer give pleasure.

i have lived a life for so long in silence
that no i feel is the time to speak up.
LOUDER than before.
someone must hear me ?
are they too wrapped up in their own lives that they dont understand
they dont understand how im feeling at the moment and im
screaming in despair
wont someone ask me in all honesty
if the feelings i am showing is the story of my heart??

should they not uinderstand this by now??

no one.. NOT NO ONE. knows the extent of the pain i am forced to with hold.
like on a phone where the caller wont pick up
i am living a life on hold. God just wont let me go.
let my body seize and my soul float to salvation.

em pleh ,esaelp.
ksa i lla s'ti.
ecaep

imprinted

imprinted
and there it will stay
that picture i see
wont go away
behind my eyes
right to my toes
this feeling spreading as it grows
i scratch and tear
my limps apart
to leave this hell hole
i share with my soul
its left me
my soul no more have i own
when i feel this how can be
how can i see through normal eyes
through eye that dont tint
to the shade of blue
shade of drowning in my own blood
that pumps my eyes when i close my eyes
how can i think of sleep at a time when i
know that your look will haunt me for sure
what can i do to escape
from this body where
imprinted on my eyelids
is a face i know too well
a face i cant stand to leave nor live
all i can give and i can give no more
my body is sore
i just want to fight once more against this memory
fight for ignorance
you. done this to me.

Lost

Lost in the darkness that sweeps up the room
where the cold wraps my body in a misty cocoon
Lost in my thoughts of here now and then
momentry blindness comes creeping again
the seconds are minutes and hours are days
rapidity of time scares me so many ways
Lost as im falling through memories clear
shake them off but cling like a fear
they stick to my skin and wrap round my throat
wait for me to fall wait for me to choke
Lost in my dreams where im no longer happy
entice me with love then they do trap me
once again im falling and gaining
head first to the floor as if i am raining
nothing can stop me or put a halt to this madness
lost in my cocoon of wallowing sadness.

quake

Four months not moved an inch
at every mention i still do flinch
four months i wonder why.

A time i'm mean't to smile
but i'm crying all the while.
four months i wait to die.

And when they question of my mind
wont let them take what they can find.
Four months i sit and sigh.

I quake and wait for the floor to open
let this misery eat me up
escape give up its all the same
Four months im outside in the rain.

wonder why.

I wonder why they cant see.
Why they think im all right again.
Or why i pretend i am.
Why i think its better to bottle it all and suffer in my silence.
Its petty to be here still.
Why im holding on.
Holding on with my last breath on to the hand of my soul.
To battle against the chains.
My feet are swimming in my shoes and im clutching on to a cloud.
I want to escape this un-Godly world.
Enter the unknown where the series of stabs are a distant memory.
And the scars are faint lines of red across my knuckles,

Shred

I want to shred my skin.
But if i tried to leave everything that you ever touched of mine.
I would end up not walking anywhere at all.
If i cant leave myself what hope is there left for me?
But to dance.
So much like no ones looking.
Sweat out your presence.
Keep my mind on the beat.
On the rythm.
The flow that passses through the speakers to my core.
Ill clench my teeth and dance till i forget.
All the trees that give me oxygen wont ever be enough to feed this addiction.
And the need that passes through me is starving my mentality.

Bleed the truth.

From my eyes bleeds the truth of my thoughts these days.

No matter how hard i try to hide these marks it has its ways.

To reveal to the world the waves of thoughts i try to keep secret.

And betrays me in the days of doom to ignorant others.

Thank the Lord that they notice no more the depth of my cut.

They dont discover how the despise for myself,

Grows with each time he floats to my head.

And the stab rips the scars of mine.

A poem to represent

- slowly fading away,
as my world falls apart.

- the way it feels when you no longer feel
or see nothing.

- when you fall in love
and no one can make you smile more.

- the only heart that skips a beat
when you see that only person that can make you happy.

- the emptiness within your soul,
that gapes limply.

- how you see the world today,
as a black void of misery.

- that I never want to be that person
who makes me feel like I should never exist.

- the choices I chose to make when you walked
into this perfect world of mine.

- falling into the trap that cupid left
at the bottom of the stairs for me.

- Never wanting to be more distant to the world
than the day you walked into it.

6th May Tuesday 2008