Missing myself

Im not me anymore. Sometimes i catch a glimpse of what i used to be but that sudden rayon of sunshine is soon overcast with the clouds in my eyes. Ive changed so much now that my normal state, my old self, isnt my normal state anymore. Have i changed for good?

Recently, ive noticed more gaps in the grey overcast skies, revealing the soul i was before the ''disaster'' and maybe thats who i am? I have to follow the light, the light at the end of the tunnel to find myself again. I dont know whether, though if i reach the end of the tunnel i will find myself. I will just have to wait and see. But so many pot holes are in there, and its a dark and lonely walk. But if i sprint im bound to fall. Is it him that i need to walk towards?

I feel like im letting people down by being sad, i feel like i will ruin their day or they will mock my mourning, so i paste my china doll quick fix no nails smile on. That way no one will ask questions. Or say anything mean. Or feel the need to go out of their way and make me smile for real.