18:

i am trapped in my own skin,

i never seem to be able to undestand who i am

i know who i am but

i can't understand why i do and the act the way i do.

i want to run in the wind so fast that the leaves fly with me.

i want to bath in the mud like a seed.

knowing that inside me is a green dream waiting to errupt.

ONE DAY.

The questions in my head are hitting and bouncing off each other.

Do i know who i am?

Will i find him hiding in the bud of an hibiscus, growing and learning until he is ready to bloom and guide me towards him with a little ray of sunshine.

When i wait outside in the rain, the tink of the droplets dancing on my bare arms, the mud reaches from between my toes, i hope to be at one and peaceful and then he will come.

Our souls will mirror, so that when apart they will never separate. There will always be a reflection hovering in the triangular looking glass of my soul.

ONE DAY.

Dedicated to rob lol

Two souls belong to one mind.
Joined with a length of thread. A thread of thought.
In sync with the sun.
Two become one. Two bodies one mind.
The melody that plays from one heart to the other.
Dances in the sun dotes forever.
A sweet love that wont burn out.
Two souls belonging to each mind.
Each hold a half, but live one being.
Together or not, but not without seeing.

Egg aka the suicide blonde

Why does that suicide blonde always look so...suicidal? Those eyes kept down, they look like they are trying to be strong, trying to papermache over her secrets even though its obvious. They are spilling out of her. Her crazy messy hair pilled around her face, trying to hide her shame. Why is she so sad? Why does suicide blonde walk around on her own, strut as if she feels tall inside? The girl with the pale skin with veins that score her journy through life. The roads she is to travel. Why does this girl hide behind her quirky smiles and kinky one liners? Who is she? Does anyone know? Because i'd like to tell her, she's a fake. And to anyone else, beware of the suicide blonde with the eyes that spell pain in spirals, she is trouble.

The ipod is her oxygen, she breathes in the music and blocks out the sound of life around her. Her eyes are glued to the floor, craves invisibility when she is not being talked to. Leaks her pain onto the internet for the world to read annonymously with identity. False as her life. Why i ask is she so strange. Does she live in a box. I think so. A box made from carboard with painted flowers on the side. Painted with the blood from when she picks the scabs of her heart.

She is like an Egg. Hard as a nut on the outside, all the same, blends in or so she hopes. However one small crack and she plops out. The diferent parts of her. Her heart and her soul. If you are really forceful her heart will break too and will bleed the yoke of her Egg. One thin layer i compare to her armour. Small and hard. These days however she has boiled herself so much that when you drop her, her inside will not break. Or spill. Or bleed. It is just dead and lifeless inside.

Suicide blonde is killing herself inside out with her depressive nature. And with no one noticing the shell she has created around her, she will continue doing so.It is all she know how now. Its a one way track. Shes lost and cant go back.

My body. Hillsong Church.

Life is an extraordinary thing. That we are all blessed with it despite our wrong do-ings is even more astonishing. That we have such complex systems for our bodies and thoughts, everything connected, for smooth movements and fluid thoughts.

* * *

I went to the Hillsong Church in London today. I felt so connected there. As i raised my hands up to the Lord i swear i felt tingles from the tips of my fingers pulsate down my arms like a wash of cold water. At first i felt uneasy but then i thought maybe this is a sign, a sign that im meant to be here. It felt right. It made me sing louder and rejoice with more gumph. It made me take a look at things from another point of view. Made my heart leap with happiness for no apparent reason but from the smiles that everyone was wearing as we walked out.

* * *

As i look at my body i think, it is amazing, just looking at my toes im already thinking woah man look at the bones in that, look at all it can do! How it helps me balance and everything. Then i think of my lungs, how they make me breath, well they are kinda storage tanks. Thats the way i see it. Storage tanks for air for me to breathe. That God has given me this life i am thankful.

* * *

Do you question your being?
i did. i still do. it not a question that can be answered unless you are listening.
God is waiting for you to hear him in the songs.
He is waiting for you to see him in the fields.
He is waiting for you to rejoice his name in the day.
and the night.
he is waiting for you.

Reflection

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride

Or a perfect daughter

Ill never be what they want or who they want.

all i seem to be is in the way.

Can it be

I'm not meant to play this part?

Im not meant to be the continental girl.

The daughter on the cereal box.

Im unorthodox.

Now I see

That if I were truly to be myself

I would break my fam'ly's heart

They can only see who i will be when it suits them.

When they are reeaping the rewards from

my abnormality.

Who is that girl I seeStaring straight

Back at me?

Why is my reflection someone

I don't know?

I have no idea of who i am today.

Or who i'll be tomorow.

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am

Though I've tried

Ive tried wearing a mask to cover up that person no one wants me to be.

but it just keeps slipping off.

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

ill be that seagull that steals your chips.

if being grounded means being rooted to the spot. to where you are. then id rather be out of control as i am. set my spirit free and let me loose.

i wont waste the flaws God gave me. they're what makes me unique. what makes me what i am. and eventually what i will be.

i stumble through life across my next idea. but i will always return to my roots. they are my inspiration.

Terminal

What i hate the most, is when people look for fault in the most beautifulest of things.

You have what you have. You are what you are so fucking deal with it. I can not stand it when someone looks into things and doesnt see the bigger picture. You are all so fucking lucky. we all are. To have your health is such a wonderful thing, so dont EVER take it for granted.

Definations for Terminal :

- station where transport vehicles load or unload passengers or goods

- That which terminates or ends; termination; extremity.

- causing or ending in or approaching death; "a terminal patient"; "terminal cancer"

you dont have this much to worry about do you? I want you to take a moment in your busy hecktic lives and look at yourself. .Look at all the things that make you you. That make you smile. You live once, and once only.

Missing myself

Im not me anymore. Sometimes i catch a glimpse of what i used to be but that sudden rayon of sunshine is soon overcast with the clouds in my eyes. Ive changed so much now that my normal state, my old self, isnt my normal state anymore. Have i changed for good?

Recently, ive noticed more gaps in the grey overcast skies, revealing the soul i was before the ''disaster'' and maybe thats who i am? I have to follow the light, the light at the end of the tunnel to find myself again. I dont know whether, though if i reach the end of the tunnel i will find myself. I will just have to wait and see. But so many pot holes are in there, and its a dark and lonely walk. But if i sprint im bound to fall. Is it him that i need to walk towards?

I feel like im letting people down by being sad, i feel like i will ruin their day or they will mock my mourning, so i paste my china doll quick fix no nails smile on. That way no one will ask questions. Or say anything mean. Or feel the need to go out of their way and make me smile for real.

Naked. literally.

I'd like to be free
no clothes to bother me
wild in the wind
no one knows i have sinned
leaping and spinning
from tortures unknown
i'm running i'm winning
no longer alone

naked and soaring
fresh green and daring
ill camp in the woods
no if whats or coulds
sleep through one day
then worship the moon
then through night i will lay
then pray to the afternoon


....


one day i will live
with but all i am give
at one with the earth
clothed as at birth
at one with my soul
with my skin and the fire
no unfulfilled hole
no wasted desire.

glass words.

these words that im singing
so brittle and small
glisten in sunshine
but silence to them all
these words i cry out loud are fragile
and smooth to touch
to hear to breath
these words are glass you see
their meaning through it all
here i get up to leave
with my glass words i turn to breathe
im not shy to speak my words
although these words like me inside
they can fall
and they can break
they can hurt
strike three im out of the game.

I've ruined everything i worked so hard to put right.

curiosity killed cas.

GIRL.

i know a girl and shes crying solo
so low that you cant hear her
she'll be smiling widly that you never know
never go to the thought that she feeling low
shes a girl with a bubbly personality
shes happy for others so they dont see
inside
she hides
away as she cries
this girl i know you dont

they dont see this girl through her paper thin lies
then lies on her back to look up to the moon
soon she'll fly
defy all they thought to be
to see the world through a new pair of eyes
disguised
not memorised
past despised

new girls we're taking over today
you'll pay who broke our hearts and diamonds
clubs and spades we dont need
indeed we use our minds
no weapons of mass destruction
deduction
goodbye the weakness
the sadness
we smile
hand in hand
here we stand
together for unity demand
respect we expect today.

The suffering

I feel this pain so vigorace that i feel it squezzing my brain.

The last few droplets of sanity slip past my eyes, down my cheeks.

Pumping my organs till the blood escapes.

Tries to leave me also.

This torture, the time, the weeks.

Through my blood-red eyes do i see the world now.

Demanding my soul and contents.

I cant escape this body.

I cant escape this world.

Alone with unease.

Here my body is, but my mind is elsewhere.
Lost in the dark of my dreams and fate.
Ive lost all hope i wallow in despare.
Twisting and turing and burning in hate.
All alone i cower in silence.
At unease with the people who are mean't to care
but their ignorance turns me to violence.
Inside my soul i fight. Unfair.
No know knows. I think i hide it well.
When i smile i scream and scratch.
I reach for a hand to hold and yell.
And second by minuite my parts detatch.
Alone, apart, try to patch my heart.
But a soul a friend her smile it helps
And numbs a piece of my pain.
A friend Lord, is she that holds
My soul in place to keep my sane.
Thankyou Lord for this friend she saves.
The lonliness and uneasiness.

welcome to my new life.

im drifting the tide where my eyes wide awake

my brain alive

floating a new vibe

more than just survive

im feeling more alive

in this new life where ill walk with a new ease
laid back
no attack

for what i lack

feeling more laid back.
im stronger in this world with every challenge i fight harder

new shoes

less blues

my donts and dos

in brand new shoes.

taking the hits as they come and they go in out my life

s'all right

no need to hold tight

ready for the fight

s'all good im alright

welcome people to the brand new cas today

see me now

just as loud

equally proud

but damn right stronger than ive ever been before.

catch me

catch me

Im running along with the tide.
i cant slow down and cannot hide.
Dragged and pulled here and there.
see me sinking
i cant keep up
as i start swimming
the sea eats me up
im not strong so i float along
just above water
so i can breath
catch me far out
if you can see me
befriending the seaweed
at the bottom of the sea.

Pain within the alone

supressed emotions under my skin
pulsing my veins reading my expressions
trapped between me and my shield
my self is trapped within.

i dont worry when im walking alone
i know that if i stayed still my soul could not sufice
and what i do i dont condone
not when my soul isnt worth the price.

My breathing is staggered my chest is tight
the leads that keep this body moving
tangled in webs round the lies and deceit
no more electricity for me to fight.

i know im not worth the grass i sit on
when i look at myself and the things i have done
i deserve pain just as anyone more
im stumbling on and wondering what for?

Nobody knows me at all

Nobody knows me at all
im trapped in a world where the blackness
and solitude is my only hope.
i hate how people try and take my identity
try and control me
try and boss me around
try and take MY life into their hands,
i have my own lkife and i plan to take it into my own hands
not yours
so bug off
and leave me be in the black sea.
You know who you are.
so dont pretend.
i want to walk alone. and you are constantly there beside me.
and it annoys me,
i am a tree i am a shrub
i am a cloud.
i cannot be trapped in a box
or kept on a lead
i am a free spirit
waiting for a chance to leap.
but you YOU and stopping me live
how i want
leave me to float
leave mje to wallow
leave me to smile
leave me
leave me
leave me
leave me
in my corner shouting and screaming to myself
leave me in the darkness of my soul
just

leave me .

Caught Between

Silver thoughts flow from my head

I lay there motionless in bed

Beneath the sheets under my skin

my soul is caught between within

Flaming anger muted strings

Falling through my soul so sings

Grabbing chances as the float

Remembering not to gloat

like a goat

or a stoat

on a moat

as i do float

im rambling now i roll along

but sit here silent is it for long?

Caught between the biting and fighting

of a fish eat fish world.

Human

When i feel i cant walk on
i pace my steps that little bit faster
cos i know that the longer i hold on
the longer ill last
if i put of the innevitable for long enough
it will all pan out
its difficult i know
but i must remind myslelf what
it is to be human
when you cut me i still bleed
im like you really
im strong
but beneath my skin i am weak
i know i can shoot my own stars
but sometims its nice to know that you dont have to
that theres someone beside you waiting to reach out for you