humph. it's my mother's birthday today. and once again she manages to put a downer on everything. its as if nothing is EVER good enough for her. we try to make things special and different but she just throws it back in our faces with 'why did you bother'. its her birthday and she is determined to spend it with a frown on her face bringing my mellow down and shooting my blimp of happiness. but i wont let her. i wont let her drag me beneath the surface, i wont let her make me feel less, i wont. its put me in one of those moods where i want to cry and scream in to a pillow, where i want to tear out my hair, off my clothes and run through the streets and not stop until i am shot. its made me want to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep where i dont have to wake up. EVER.


if i could be anywhere with anyone doing anything. within a click of my fingers i know what i would choose. up in the sky on my own free falling. no guarantees. just me and the world rushing past me. the sea below me. anything i say these days is either in a singsong voice full of daisy's or a growl.

im spinning and spinning and i just cant stop, because i have that feeling in my stomach again. making me sick. making me want to tear my lungs out. theres a cancer growing in my thoughts and its polluting everything. a dark cloud hovering over anything and everything. its like im running and running through a forest, with twigs cutting and slicing my bare body, thorns twisting in my side, moss underfoot staining each step i take. theres no signs here for me, no red carpet to walk along, just me and my rushing blood tainting the earth with my dripping blood. i can see eyes looking at me, yellow with hunger hidden behind wooden trees, i can hear the silent hum of z's aiming there attack. crawling along the crypt, laden with bones i want to lay down to turn off. to switch off. to go.




im behind that door with the number 6 on it. in a room with red walls and nothing. crouched in the corner i close my eyes and listen. the hum is back. i can feel the pressure in my ears. i can feel the person inside me struggling to open the door, to get out to smell fresh air to be. but i push her back down and choke. choke on my insecurity. choke on my fears.