There, there is one of my sordid secrets

I don't do pictures. Not in my blog anyway, they make it pretty and pleasing to look at, but i want the reader to notice the raw edges in each piece of writing.

Today i want to talk. To anyone and everyone. I feel i can't say this outloud for fear of being shuned, for fear of being told to be quiet and to stop moaning but i need to drain it from me somehow so this is how it goes.

I am one of those girls and i didnt even realise it till it was too late. Those girls that want what they can't have. What they shouldn't have. Chasing the challenge whilst ignoring the conquests. But today i have realised the errors in my ways and i vow to lock myself away along with my habits. I am a bunny-boiler. I hate to admit it and it shall never happen again whilst i am aware. There, there is one of my sordid secrets. And i am sorry. I'd like to say that i didn't know he had a girlfriend and i'd like to say that i believe that there could be something between us and thats the reason for my absurdness but i'd be lying. I haven't 'done' anything per say...but enough that draws him in. And now it's my fault for a broken heart. I put upon someone else what i felt i could have died of at one point in my life.

And here is for my pity point. I am suffering from ignorance. Treading water in a world where i don't know where i belong. I often believe that i can live without the men in my life but i can not. Or more i would not want to despite needing to get away from it all. I dont know what to do!!!! Oh curse you cupid! Curse you and your misguided arrows that bring me to my knees. DRAMA QUEEN MUCH? yeh. sorry. I just want to make a desicion on what i am going to do or rather not going to do and stick to it! A guy, a very goodlooking guy, a charmer though. Can bring me up and can bring me down. I know that i would. i know i would but could i? A one night stand for my first time would be a tad slaggish/sluttish no? But every time i hear something or see something that reminds me of that one person i stop and fumble on what i am doing and just want them.

I want them. Right here. But i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.
Would he? Would he give into me for one night?

Should i?