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When

WHEN . . . .

When we talk,
When we laugh,
When we kiss,
When we walk,
When we joke,
When we dance,
When we lay,
When we sing,
When we hug,
When we hold hands,
When we run,
When we touch ............

.......I feel so wide eyed when i am with you. Your like the world, something new and interesting everytime i see and speak to you. I find a little bit more of paradice when i look at you.

EVEN THE STRONGEST HAVE TEARS . . . .
Sometimes i really hate being a girl, I'm sitting here crying over something stupid as hell! I don't want to be sad and i can't help it. I am mad that i have become so attached to him. How could i have let myself do this? Because now i knwo that when we break up i'm going to be so much worse than before. I don;t want to go back there. I don't. It hurts to remember the shadow i had become. And here i am crying because my hormones are bouncing all over the place. The truth? I want to see him. And i can't. We had plans for 2 nights together and to spend sunday together. But now they have all fallen through and i won't get to see him for another week ): I hate being a girl .....

A BEAUTIFUL . . . .

A BEAUTIFUL LIFE . . . .
I am a bird with a mended wing
look at me fly, listen to me sing.
I am a blade of fresh green grass
waving in the breeze of summers last.

Riding on the wind, swimming in the sun

dancing in the rain and in the snow have fun.

Living in the sea, Laughing in the sand

With a guitar make a summer break band.

Linking our fingers, combining our souls

connecting our eyes as my heart becomes whole.

Sinking in love, let it cover me in flowers

I could live in your arms forever could be ours.

A BEAUTIFUL LOVE . . . .

Humming-birds beat for my heart inside

when i see your name or i hear your voice

Every time you smile and if its for me

I quiver and shake, i smile i've no choice

You gave me your heart, in mine i will guard

I give you my dreams for now i dont need

them, you are the one that i longed came true

a fire so white 'cos red is for lust

the flames that dance could dance on the sea

because together we are much stronger

no red could suffice when you are with me

you are tall and you guard, you are my Tree

for you im not longer affraid to be me.

LOVE

LOVE . . .
When you look at me i feel like everything else is a blur
-like everything else is a distraction because your my attraction.
When you smile the world fails to be as beautiful or perfect
-even if it's not at me but when it is i'm free.
When you laugh the humming-bird caged in my chest takes flight
-it soars and multiplies all around my body when it flies.
When you touch me i feel like i am falling
-there is no adrenalin rush quite as complex, don't even wonder what happens next.

But when you tell me that you love me,
-it feels like a thousand fireflies race to my skin and set my soul alight,
-because nothing could compare to that night.
But when you tell me that you love me,
-it feels like i've died and im in that state of complete peace
-where all my worries compel to cease.
But when you tell me that you love me,
-i am whole.
GREEN . . . .
Dearest Green,

I was lying in the DESERT, waiting for death. I had no hope, i had nothing. But you drove me to safty and i am in my own OASIS when you take me in your arms. I am no longer empty, you fill me with happiness that no other drug could intoxicate me with. You saved me from a life of walking where with you i can fly. I am not bound, i am free, i am not lost but am searching, searching for new ways to make you smile. You smile. Nothing in this world can compare to your smile. It's like my very own happiness trapped in your lips because with that twitch of your lips any sadness vanishes in a puff of smoke and i can't think of anything but of how lucky i am that you, fell out of the sky, buzz-ed your little sexy toosh into a hibiscus and believed in me.

LOVE Casper xoxo

Brits...

THE SUICIDE BLONDE . . . .
Red lips. Sun dyed beach blonde hair. Coral romance chipped nails. Ripped jeans. Tinkerbell fat socks. Jock top and ratty converse sneakers. Hhaaah! who am i kidding? I'm English and proud Shit faces! It's trainers! Not sneakers mofo's!!!!
THE ENGLISH . . . .
Those darn Americano's have such na comercial view on us Brits! We don't drink tea time! [Well quite alot i admit. Nothihng like a cuppah to calm the shaky nerves, or to comfort or just to relax with (: ]
We don't all talk like the Swan lovin' Queen 'i do believe that it is true. But i wish it wasn't so! One must call that a joke.' or like the east LANDAN boy boys. 'Innit brav? Nah mate nah!!!! You avin' a bubble?'
BBQ WEATHER, WHETHER THERE'S SUN OR NOT . . . .
Nothing can stop our little British hearts from having a BBQ, we are teflon strong and a little rain won't stop us. Not at all (: Who says you can't have a little fun without the sun? 'I'M GONNA LEAVE THE DAY BEHIND, I'M GONNA HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME'
I MISS MY LATINA BEST FRIEND . . . .
It's been real good seeing my little love peanut! i haven't seen her in so long it feels! Love peanut and i have been together basically 24/7 at school because we were in the same classes and we just shared soooo many laughs. Uni wont be the same without love peanut :\

Erotic but hate leaked all over me

Once again the heart-less Dragon's mood swing attacks . . . .


Green came over yesterday. It was soo erotic, he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me roughly on the lips. I love those moments when we see each other again. This weekend we spent two nights together. Two blissful nights of good-night kisses and two glorious mornings of good-morning pecks. It feels like a dream. I just want to wake up to his heartbeat every morning.
So Green told me he loved me yesterday. I felt like i was air light sitting tight on a paper airplane soaring through floating pink love-hearts that popped as i glided though them. As a teenage love sick crack head i am destined to exaggerate so yeah....
A million red balloons released into the sky with I Heart Question Mark on them. I have never felt so content just walking. We could have been walking to the noose and i would have still have felt that humming-bird fluttering in my chest as he held my chest, looked into my eyes and swore that he loved me. Again again again say it again. I can never tire of this!

But the world has to come crashing down at some point. Right? . . . .

We returned to reality. Screams behind closed doors. But the sounds they leak, from the windows and doors, every gap it can find it will escape into the nights sky floating in the black back-drop of life. And it reached me. I had to leave Green and my life of happiness to save my Dad the Coward from the Dragon. Boy was she angry. I was this close to leaving last night. If only Green had not talked me out of it i would still be just sitting on my bench under the stars trying to escape this life of hate. Because i do. She gave me life but she has taken it away too.

want want want want want

Want want want want want; . . . .

I have decided that i want to marry a guy with the last name Garcia. It just sums up the stereotypical spanish male, walking topless around the villa with droplets of water clinging to his pitch black hair from the swim in our pool. Boy oh boy! Steamy dreamy chunk of hunk purh-lease! But its all want want want want want.

i want him to kiss me on the forehead, right between the eyes when i am worried.

i want him to take candid pictures of me.

i want him to love the sea and sun as much as i do.

i want him to have arms that i can cling on to and feel safe when i am in them.

i want him to smell good.

i want him to be musical and want a house full of instruments.

i want him to love the world.

i want him to want to travel.

i want him to laugh at me when i am being stupid and sometimes join in to make fun.

i want i want i want i want i want. . . . .

oh wait......

A Million Miles From Me . . . .

Even though he isn't far, 20 minuites away seems like an eternity when i see couples that live around the corner. I wish i could just hop on my bike and turn up at his unanounced and randomly chill on his bed listening to music.

Dream World Of The Future. . . .

I wonder how long we will last. If we will last. At the moment we are all cup-cakes and fairy dust dotes in the sun, but is it real? Are we real enough to last? Or are we enough of a scatter-brain pair that time won't matter and we will buzz our way through life? Because i know i want to travel. To all these foreign lands, with different food and different dress and different languages, and i know he wants to too. How can we be so alike but so different at the same time? It seems perfect. He has ticked everything on my want list [ minus the 'Garcia' clause :\ ] and he seems like a dream world. My dream world.

Examens

Vamos hablar en español hoy. . . .

y porque? Por que tengo mi examen en español este Viernes, no estoy listo. Sí hablas en este lengua, me gustería mucho sí me hagas un 'comment' en español (: Gracias amigos!

Tengo miedo. No creo que voy a pasar mis examens y matricular en el universidad. No quiero voy, vale, pues, si yo puedo, pero solo a escaparse la casa de mis padres. Y ahora que tengo un novio, que pienso que estoy enamorado con él, la decisión para ir es más difícil. Bah! Las traumas de siendo un chica! Oy! Que voy hacer? Que puedo hacer?

Translation: Plus a walk and talk extrordianair!

Here for those who don't quite know who i am talking about, a Translation:

the Dragon - My over-bearing mother, whom i do not get along with at all. She seems to have taken the roll of making my life completly miserable. Lucky me :

Suicide Blonde - My alter-ego. The depressive me that surfaces once in a while and makes me seem like a complete wack-job on here, with my 'slit my wrists' blogs.

Green - Also goes by the name of Petey, Bucko, Bruce, and many more. Just another name for Him. The Beau. My perfectly pouncable piece slash chunk of slam dunkin' hunk. My BoyFriend.

An ordinary day in the life of a Tea-Bag:

So, im just sitting there with my chums, right. And we can't see a damn thing 'cos you know we got that lid to keep us fresh and then i see............

The light.

This pink flesh-y thing comes right at us, these long podgy tentacals reach in to our bangin' pad and grabs me and Steve by the leaves and edges. The cheek! so, im thinking right lets see what actually happened to Sally. The prospects wern't good. You see there was this jacuzi. Oh man you should-ah seen it, but then again maybe you shouldn't. Steaming it was! Then i hear Steves Leaves rustle and he's wriggled free somehow, and im flying solo.

Into this jacuzi, which wasn't a jacuzi at all! The bloody fiends! They only went and made it look like a Butlins holiday camp for us! Boiling hot it was! Not only that.. but.....they...oh i can't bear to repeat it. It was just too horrifying.....

The got this shiny thing and drowned me in the hot water then got me right up against the wall they did! All up in ma grill! Then picked me up and droped me in the pile of all the other things they just used.

Thats how i feel.

USED

I don't know where i am. But boy, it's lonely on this heap. Help? Anyone?

The test of my HEART

I don't want him to get freaked out. That is why i vent all my girlie anguish and desire upon my blog. We are so new that i dont want to fuck things up. He whom i shall call Green, i believe has been sent down on a space-ship, buzz-ed his little toosh on down to earth and fell into a hibiscus plant. From there he sung a sweet song that lured me to this flower and its sweet aroma. As this flower opens i see more off him and piece by piece he flutters into my heart. He has battled with the Dragon, and the brain-teaser too and yesterday he passed the endurance test of the beep, so now he resides to conquer the lock on my heart.

We haven't actually united our bodies, i have chosen him to be the one to land Martian probe on planet Venus. I am scared that once we do touch each others souls, that we will either like magnets attract or repel. Both of which will break my heart. I am so ready for him to land on planet Venus that i can reach out and touch the balloon between us and i want to physically throw it away, pop it. See this is why i feel i can't tell him this. Because i am so weird. He puts up with my weird-ness but i wonder how much he can take. Especially when it's on this topic.

Now for topic mum thunder. . . .

I want to crawl into Green's arms and hibernate until she is dormant once more. The eruptions that continuously spew onto me are horrendous these days. I will never be good enough for her because i am too alike her. As much as it pains me to say these dreaded words. But i am different in so many ways we are almost adopted.

Back to the splinter in my paw. . . .

Love. I don't want to be in this situation, i did, but now i wish all i got was fun because, at the moment there is a distance between us but soon, there will be a light-years of roads between us. And we are so new that i don't quite know yet if Donne's theory of the compass will apply to us. Will the united nations of our souls carry our love for us? Will he want it too? Or will i? I know i know this is so teenage drama but none-the-less it is what is pacing through my sex-driven mind. That too! How will i cope without the growl of his kisses on either side of my lips. Or the electricity of his finger-tips?

I don't want this wave to end, and i don't want to fall of my board but as the midday sun rises i can see that my wings will burn and my grip will loosen. I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to hold him back either. However much it would pain me his smile is worth a hundred suns more.

Get a grip Woman!

.......and so the Summer begins. Here i am, bikini in hand and him in the other. The sun in on the end of a string and im taking it where ever i go. I want this to last. I want this to be the best.

No what if's. No regrets. No should-ah's, would-ah's or could-ah's. This is my time.

A wonderland of stupid thoughts.

Blue nails, squished snails, life is completely and utterly.......

NORMAL.

My wind is a whirl-pool of insanity, whizz-ing words of no importance dart their way to the back of my throat

Being the girl with a million thoughts of a multi-story car park full of colour i am

DRAWN to the man who see's in black and white. Why this is insane!

Who am i kidding? In my world it is only the completely insane that get by. So therefor why shouldn't the wonders of my heart be any different?

I shall call him ............................................

..............

........

..

Petey.

As long as i am completelyinsane i shall admit to my being drawn to his warmth, his touch that burns me is like a drug. I crave him because his kisses touch my soul. His eyes actually look and i can no longer hide.

Im spellbound when i feel his presence.

cigarette kisses

invite it in, breath in deep
you got time to think if your being a tool
you give kisses
cigarette kisses

little traces of, cling to your skin
i breath in your smoke as it trails within
me im smoking through
your cigarette kisses

deadly and poison you lift me with danger
i smile at your misty eyes
you breath out smoke and come close again
with your cigarette kisses

A poem : For the Dragon

And when i say i love you, i can't help but know i lie
beneath this faded relationship, you make me want to die.
The natural need and love i felt has fled me i'm detached
my dreams released and let to fly the lock has been unlatched.
I know i shouldnt feel this way, this hate should not be real
but i cant help answer my heart and live to what i feel.
i clench my teeth and draw my sword its like a constant war
my mother you are helpless ive tried many times before.
i tried to become friends and i tried to converse
but the situation grew and our distance got worse.
we go through stages where we pretend to be friends
but the play only lasts on your mood which depends
the time of the month and the time of the year
i cant wait till i leave, escape this life i have no fear.

almost dreamlike when i fell your tribal drum next to my hummingbird flutter.

Here i am,

in an origami house of paper, dreading the rain but longing for the freshness of the downpour. littering the floor are my tissue roses, the house is getting too crowded for me because im growing rapidly. I can see the pink sky outside marking the evening. The fairy light stars blink at me in a lethargic manner as if enticing me to sleep, but i can't.

There is a balloon in my stomach that feels that its expanding by the moment.

Theres a hummingbird in my chest thats drumming against my rib cage and silence in my head.

No little girl screaming, no little girl dying, just silence, making room for the Indian drum pattern made by the birds in my heart. My feet are green, a fresh garden green with little red flowers weaving up around my ankles, when i walk there is a swoosh. My legs are bare and my pelvis also. Hanging around my neck in a relaxed manner is necklace of flowers, meeting with my hair and reaching my crown with a halo of daisies. My blonde hair cascades in loose waves making my body the perfect house for a family of fairies to live. Dancing in the wallow of the moon under the fuchsia marshmellow sky's natural light bulbs. Leaping into the air with a weightless bounce i fall into the light brown arms of a man who has changed me. For the better i am now walking with open eyes, now they are open i see him and who i am when i am with him not only has evolved but who i am because of him. I am but the same, but i can now see the attributes. And when we are as close as lipstick, when our breath is one, and

i want you beside me

i feel the tribal bass next to my hummingbird's flutter, i see this fuchsia sky and remember who i am. Who i want to be. Who i can be.

Progress?....

HAPPINESS .... is creeping into my bloodstream.

A new sun has walked into my life.....

-warmer to my touch

-bright to keep the shadows at bay

-makes me smile when its dark and gloomy

-tigglish

-tall and broard like a tree to protect me when i let it

My SUN.

Smile like you mean..

Suicide blonde haunts me as my eyes burn red with anger.

Why can't i be happy?

Why can't i live under a permanent sun, where i don't have 2 horsemen on my back pushing me forward in the direction they want.

Im living in a personal hell where everything i see is in colour and i can admire things in their beauty, but all i can feel and touch is black and white, cold and solid.

The warmth that cascades down my cheeks reminds me of what i strive not to be.

In my head there are pictures of laughter and colour and rainbows and turets.

In my heart there is nothing, the puncture wound cupid shot has let leak all the substance within me.

Now all i am is a shell.

I am so desperatly trying to be that girl, the one who matches my personality but all i seem to do is get further and further away.

Im lost in my selfish self sinking in my own venom.

Tuesdays mood.

The teacup in which i am sitting is painted in the most amazing colours, bright stars, castles and turets, turtles and tropical fish, dancing among the swirls of pinks and blues. But i sit in the dregs of tuesday's coffee, in black and white. My skin is pale and the slashes are visable to the naked eye, im so white that you can see through to my heart like an x-ray. Shivering in the cold coffee i call out for the girl about to finnish her drink to stop, to save me..thrashing about, treading water, i can see that its not going to end very well.

..here goes today...and yesterday..and tomorow..

How to describe my mind:

Castles and fairies, books and tree-spirits, turrets, scrapbooks, sunshine and waves. A collision of crayola crayons exploding in the sky. Music, colour and words feed my dreams and litter each corner of my scatter brain. But each room holds a sinister shadow, a superhero secret haunting and poisoning each thought with pessimism and doubt. But every soul that enters my life i treasure because they leave a warmth and light that their personal sunshines come with. They chase away the night terrors that seep into the walls of my Pandora's box of a brain.

Once upon a time, a boy asked me to describe my mind. This was my reply. He told me that i should post it on here, and so here it is. But my mind is not what is currently buzzing through my thoughts currently. A boy. A boy? A boy! A boy. A man. How did i let this happen? Have i actually let it happen? I guess i already have. Let the turmoil commence. Pessimism is gurgling in my blood but it seems as if the sun is melting the worries away and submitting the doubts to a mere murmer on my shoulder.

Who? What? Where? When?

I have no bloody idea. He seems to have popped up and out of my dreams, he appears too perfect for my liking, hence the underlying absence of optimistic, naive jargon of a love-drunk teen.

I will risk it.

Bob Marley said once that ''Everyone is bound to hurt you, you've just got to find the ones worth suffering for'' [or something like that]

And so i lead a life of search, ill ride the waves, ill tumble and stumble my way through heartache until i find the ending and wish God that i regret nothing. For who wants to live a life of ''what if's'' ........

Anger tears presenting my fears

I dont want to let these tears fall. Even though they are clogging up my vision, i refuse to let them gulp down my cheeks. I cry in anger. She has made me this way. And as my chin trembles i think of what i want. I dont want to cry over her. Over her words. Over her looks. I dont want to become her. Become her bitterness. Become her idiocy.
I dont want to be somebody. I just simply want to be me. No one else. Just happy. Im not looking for happiness anywhere else other than in myself. Where else will i find something that gets me so right? Im cold with anger. I want to tear and shred and rip and smash everything i see. I hate this chain she has around me. I just want to break free. I just want to be. I just want to be me.