Me. Back in the act.

Here i am, falling into the same old routine.

Where im a rabbit caught in the headlights, but yet i am repulsed at the fact that i wont run.

I am a coward.

Several times i have been caught like this.

I wont be caught again, i vowed.

But no.

No.

No.

No.

I slip easily into old habbits.

Walkig straight into y old shoes i find or am found but another mistake.

Another bannished.

Knock-kneed i sit here typing on the laptop.

My hair messy and wild.

Wearing my space jam t-shirt and knickers.

Smudged mascara.

Chipped nail varnish.

Me.

Back to the same old routine.

Me.

But have i found a cure??

Being a slut, finding new guys to plug that hole.

To plug up the howling of the wind from that gapeing dark void, when my heart was stolen from.

Me.

Curiosity Killed me. Once more.

This is absurd !!! I hate how someone still has the power to bring you down even when they are the one that left you. I though i had a hold on this feeling, i thought that i had it all bottled up the lid shut tight so no one could get in and nothing could get out but once again my powers are stunted when i am faced with curiosity i take a bite and i am sick, sick all over my new Prada bag over my Stella mcCarteney dress. what ever you want to compare happiness to i was sick all over that too. Thats what this feels like. After all that hard work i have ruined everything once again because i was curious!! After all that is what will kill me, why not get in some practice now eh ?

You are beautiful in my eyes.

I want to practice this. We are going to do a role play. When i say 'you are beautiful' you do not say 'no im not' or 'shut up im having a fat day' or 'yeah sure' in a sarcastic tone. You say 'thankyou' its simple really.
Me: You are beautiful
You: HA
ok i see we have this wrong, if you are still not answering with the 'thankyou' then i would like you to re-read the first paragraph. OK?

I believe that if you have no believe in yourself, then what is the point of anything .. ? You have been given a beautiful body, a body with which you can do amazing things with, i mean oposable thumbs guys .. thats just bloody genious!! We each see ourselves in different ways, but in reality its the same view, i see you and you see me. The outside. The view.

For what its worth, i went through a stage of hating my self, ok not my body but my self. I hated how i could never fit in. And the way i could make myself be invisible but want people to notice i had gone.

My body, i have always been a body lover, a naturist at heart, my parents said i never liked clothes at all. I could run around naked in fields for hours and feel free, why cover up when the world is naked too?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fULtU2NfPQA Please watch.

By casper. the original.

Theres no light bulb on behind my eyes anymore.

This is so damn confusing! I am most definitely still in love with Coliflower. That is a fact. But i feel like i have feelings for Broccoli too, granted not as strong. No where near as strong. But how can i harbour feelings for Broccoli whilst i am still in this state? Its annoying because at a moment like this where i have to sit in a room which i once shared lustful glances across with Coliflower my feelings for Broccoli are overpowered, they seem so minimal that they almost dont exist. As if i will never feel like this for anyone else ever again. I mean ive been like this for over 5 months now, you would have thought that would have been long enough, but oh no. Why cant i move on? Why cant i get over it? Its like it will never end. Like no other feeling with match or measure up to this. And it pains me to say but its true, any feelings i have for Broccoli are overpowered by those of Coliflower. Its an endless circle.

I feel like a monster because, looking back on it i have been leasing Broccoli on, as if i could leave everything behind me and take that place once more. It feels like my life is a Nintendo game, where i cannot move up a level unless i complete each task or have seen every clip, its as if i have to do my very own tick list before i can finally get over him.

Im kinda empty. Im no angel that you can hold on to and float up to the sky with oh no. Im empty, a shell, now theres no light bulb lit up behind my eyes. Ill never be able to love somebody again with this much force, its left a mark upon me. I put everything in to this love with out even realising, and the worst part it i tried to prepare myself for this, i new it had to end soon and yet i still ended up like this. I just didnt want to believe it.

Now i have nothing left to give. Im sorry.

Sordid Tales of Human Nature #5 The Walrus and the Carpenter

The walrus was a funny man
with a greying thick moustache
with extra meat around his waiste
and a coat that hadnt been washed

He had problems with his eating
he ate too much and could not stop
He ate and ate to clear his cuboards
until his coat would pop

The carpenter a different sort
had thinning hair on top
was skinny and average tall
looked like a naked mop

The carpenter however too
had problems he wont eat enough
he'd miss a meal here and there
no one would notice it wasnt tough

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Great friends were they together
and wondered out along the shore
no matter what the weather

The moon came up and the sun went down
they looked out far at sea
decided to make friends with those
whoever they may be

Near the bottom of the ocean
mother and baby oysters dreamt
Their rosy cheeks and bonney bonnets
declared their sweet content

But soon came the men with their trusting smiles
and guided the oysters shore
with their little quick steps in their cute little shoes
that they have no feet i am sure

To their shack they arrived
and so did their hunger
they decided to feed
so hungry they were no longer

In the kitchen the carpenter made
at the table he cut he began
to cook up a feast for him and his friend
and this is when he sang

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed-
-Now if you're ready,
Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

Scoffing up the pretty things
the Walrus soon was bloated
the Carpenter looked in disgust
but with dismay he then quoted

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?
'But answer came there none-
-And this was scarcely odd, because
He'd eaten every one.

Reflection

Look at me

I will never pass for a perfect bride

Or a perfect daughter

Ill never be what they want or who they want.

all i seem to be is in the way.

Can it be

I'm not meant to play this part?

Im not meant to be the continental girl.

The daughter on the cereal box.

Im unorthodox.

Now I see

That if I were truly to be myself

I would break my fam'ly's heart

They can only see who i will be when it suits them.

When they are reeaping the rewards from

my abnormality.

Who is that girl I seeStaring straight

Back at me?

Why is my reflection someone

I don't know?

I have no idea of who i am today.

Or who i'll be tomorow.

Somehow I cannot hide

Who I am

Though I've tried

Ive tried wearing a mask to cover up that person no one wants me to be.

but it just keeps slipping off.

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

Broken home

i come from a broken home. Your parents dont need to be divorced for your home to be broken. Your parents just need to argue constantly, want to make your life misserable and achieve it for it to be broken. My parents dont even work together to make my life suck, when the mother has a hold of something my dad just agrees with her. Disfunctional or what. A broken home is when the place you used to call a sanctuary before times, turns into the place you wish you wernt there.
My broken home is the place i wish was the same as it used to be, full of laughter and smiles, and the occasional banter between siblings. Today its stacked with arguments and screaming and me wanting to end it all. Wholesome or not.

Yesterday the year 8's recieved their reports. I heard them walking out of my next classroom and they were talking about the names written on the front. One said how her parents were given the same last name even though they were divorced. Another talked about how hers were written properly with the different names, then all of a sudden there were a group of them talking as plain a cheese about how the school had either written the names correct or not on their reports regarding their parents divorced. It shocked me to find children as young as 13 talking about parents being split up as if it was commen. And thats whan it hit me. It is common.

It saddens me to hear that there are so many children that live between houses and find this normal. And here i am bitching about MY broken home.

Make me happy.

Someone make me happy.

Make me happy once more.

Hold my hand to tell me

im the one your looking for.

Someone make me happy.

Tell me things that make me smile.

Make me feel im needed.

and hold me for a while.

Someone make me happy.

Take the tears that fall away.

Be there even when im angry

Please bide it with me stay.

Someone make me happy.

im sorry for my reds.

ill show what i can be.

dont listen to what ive said.

Someone make me happy

take the nightmares from my dreams.

Hug me when im sad and blue.

Tell me its not what it seems.

Someone make me happy.

When my anger takes a stand.

Tell me when im being wrong

to help me understand.

Someone make me happy.

So that i can make you too.

Give me a chance to be somebody.

show you what i can do.

On an Orange Bed of Embers.

That flame ignighted from the pit of my stomach

to the tip of my heart slowly pulses down

The wind keeps sweeping making it waver

gradually, carefully, shrinking in size.

Oh when the fire ever burns in your eyes.

Its warm to the touch like the feel of your skin

light on my finger tips with a magical trace

burning a pattern with the movement you make

im moving to keep in pattern with you.

oh when the fire burns what do i do?

Your movment is moving further from me

higher and wider but i cant keep up

your trace is fadeing i but i can see where you are

but i can not follow its your path not mine.

oh when the fire in my heart does pine.

And now i am sleeping all wrapped up in tears

twisted in a fate that i cant undo

limp, lifeless im loosing my mind

thinking of him and if he remembers.

Oh when the fire has burned down to the embers.

a little piece of me.

- Asked someone to marry you?innocent
- Kissed one of your Facebook friends?guilty
- Danced on a table in a bar?guilty
- Ever told a lie?guilty
- Had feelings for someone whom you can't have?guilty
- Ever kissed someone of the same sex?guilty
- Kissed a picture?guilty
- Slept in until 5 PM?guilty
- Fallen asleep at work/school?guilty
- Held a snake?innocent
- Been suspended from school?innocent
- Been fired from a job?guilty
- Done something you regret?guilty
- Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?guilty
- Caught a snowflake on your tongue?guilty
- Kissed in the rain?innocent
- Sat on a roof top?guilty
- Kissed someone you shouldn't?guilty
- Sang in the shower?guilty
- Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?guilty
- Shaved your head?innocent
- Slept naked?guilty
- Had a boxing membership?innocent
- Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?innocent
- Been in Love?guilty
- Been in a band?guilty
- Shot a gun?guilty
- Donated Blood?innocent
- Eaten alligator meat?innocent
- Eaten cheesecake?guilty
- Still love someone you shouldn't?guilty
- Have/had a tattoo?innocent.
- Liked someone previously, but will never tell who?guilty
- Been too honest?guilty
- Ruined a surprise?guilty
- Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you cant walk afterward?guilty
- Erased someone in your friends list?guilty
- Dressed in a woman's clothes (if you're a guy) or man's clothes (if you're a girl)?guilty
- Joined a pageant?innocent
- Been told that you're handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?innocent
- Had communication w/ your ex?guilty
- DATING Someone?innocent
- Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning?innocent
- A total stranger treat you by paying your jeepney/tricycle (bus/train/public transit) fare?inncoent
- Get totally angry that you cried so hard?guilty

number 7

Without a 'them' there is no 'us'. In other words, you need the losers to make the populars popular. They step onto others and push them lower to make themselves seem higher.

There are 7 pieces of my heart missing. It took God 7 days to make the world. There are 7 days in a week. And 7 steps to heaven. ............................ 7 is my unlucky number. oh dear.
i think my phobia of 7 is because it is an odd number and i am odd so if you put them together they always make an even. Even is a regular beat, a normal person. Who says i want to be normal? I for sure do not want that. I think ill stay away for now, and ill just jump from step 6 and hope for the best.

Im beginning to think i should have planted my feet somewhere to grow, to bloom. As i walk around skipping from state of mind to state of mind i am wondering why i havent done so already. why am i drawn to the Caterpillar that smokes a shisha and the lives of people who are led to kill. A means of escape, a form of flying from one world to another, where i can be anyone or anything i want to be. Passing time, tic, tic, toc. So i dont have to look up and see through drowned eyes the world that is so beautiful being ruined by the wasted lives. That spoil it.

The three sacred words

Theres only three words, 1 short sentence, in the human language that makes existence on this violent corrupt polanet worth while. one emotion so strong that it can change someone completly yet it can also break someone completly. This betraying string of words are flung about in the everyday mindless chatter without a thought of the deeper meaning that is meant to be portrayed. This phrase is tossed about in recent times, an msn caption like 'lol'.

As a teenager, i have seen the affects first hand of love, or the lust that we feel. I have seen and see the disasters of this emotion, the ups and downs. The girls are too easily enticed by the guys that woo them and pull them into a false sense of security claiming they are ''in love''. That makes any woman feel weak at the knees when they feel strongly towards the person saying it. And if its one of your first loves and the first time he says it, then the girl is automatically hooked. Its equivalent to cocain, womens own brand of heroin, call it what you want but once you ''in love'' you cant stop it, your drawn into a whirlwind tunnel where your blinded behind those rose tinted shades.

I guess when you grow older your more prone to look deeper into what people say, and a little wiser when a guy says he ''loves you'' to understand you arnt the first person maybe. Ah what can I say? No ones ever said it to me.. not a guy anyway lol and when i say that i mean my best friends say it, but i guess not really meant it in the sense that they are ''in love'' with me, i may get a little freaked out. What can i say? i have been on the recieving end so i couldnt say but ive seen my best friends go through the traumas of being in ''love''.

He tells he that he loves her. She thinks she is in love with him too. So she tells him. She feels obliged to 'do' things for him/to him. He tells her things arnt working out. She cries. And cries. And her friends tell her hes a prick.

It happens everyday. There are websites which claim that you will fall in love. They garantee that you will otherwise you get your money back. You can not find love. That is my theory. You cant find something that you dont know what looks like. You will never know in advance the person you will fall in love. You may not even know you have come across love until it falls from your hands, thats when you know, and thats when you know you have to act on it. Otherwise you will loose it. This.. i have experienced first hand. And i am sorry that i can say i did not act on it and that i most certainly DO regret it. I am sitting her a few months later and am still going over the what if's in my mind. It drives you crazy. As you can see from my site right here. Im a hopless romantic. I shoot my self in the foot sometimes.

Dont waste it. Dont waste your love, Dont throw it away. And Dont EVER be affraid to take a chance.

Regret plants the what if seed in your head and it grows and grows till your head will finally explode.

ill be that seagull that steals your chips.

if being grounded means being rooted to the spot. to where you are. then id rather be out of control as i am. set my spirit free and let me loose.

i wont waste the flaws God gave me. they're what makes me unique. what makes me what i am. and eventually what i will be.

i stumble through life across my next idea. but i will always return to my roots. they are my inspiration.

lacking

Spinning out of control

my life leaves the track

takes to the skies

where i wont get it back

the smell of hopelessness

gasses my nose

disappointment emitted

rapidly grows

i cant take the feeling

crawling over my skin

the taste of my spirit

melting within

i sit up in my room

and think of all the qualities

i lack

why cant they cant accept

i cant go back

i cant change

days by week my feelings change.

help me. i cant seem to see straight. i cant seem to look myself in the mirror anymore. i cant stand the person ive become. what can i do?

help me please?

in a letter you will never read.

To whom it may concern,

Ive tried. Well i think ive tried, my very hardest. I thought i did it. I thought i had finally pushed that stop button, that off button that controls my emotions. As it seems however i did not. As you walked back into that room, the auto play bottom resumed from paused and worked its way through my ears to my brain and then finally to my heart.

Ive tried to think of all those little things that bug me about you. it just so happens that i cant hate them anymore because they make you and your not you without those little things. And the circle continues. Beating me down, until im crippled on the floor begging for release but still wanting more. I have no idea whether you know what you are doing, or whether you mean to or not, and it hurts to see that you cant see im hurting.

Underneath this tear stained mask, under the miles of fake smiles, my soul is trying to claw itself out, reaching out, for you. Reaching to grab you by the neck, but not for the reason my head wants to do but my heart, it wants to take my hands and cup your beautiful face. Because thats where my soul believes they should fit. It cant understand the logic or the sense it only understands passion and emotion, however unlike the head doesnt interpret embarrassment and hurt and pain and suffering and torture.

I gave up. I gave up to easily without a fight and now im angry more at myself. I thought if we are meant to be then we will be.

And so know i end this letter of resignation. To say goodbye. I may or may not ever see you again. It hurts to think this, i believe the worst pain to feel is to have to say goodbye to someone you love, but i think i have changed my mind, its far worse not being able to say goodbye. So here i say it in a letter that you will never read.

Goodbye. I love, still, through everything. The parting made my heart grow fonder but the scars still weak. And people will say they understand but they dont. Each situation is different some way.

I will love you always, with my heart and soul. With every part of my being and body, your presence will haunt, but i will treasure it.

cas

xoxo

Terminal

What i hate the most, is when people look for fault in the most beautifulest of things.

You have what you have. You are what you are so fucking deal with it. I can not stand it when someone looks into things and doesnt see the bigger picture. You are all so fucking lucky. we all are. To have your health is such a wonderful thing, so dont EVER take it for granted.

Definations for Terminal :

- station where transport vehicles load or unload passengers or goods

- That which terminates or ends; termination; extremity.

- causing or ending in or approaching death; "a terminal patient"; "terminal cancer"

you dont have this much to worry about do you? I want you to take a moment in your busy hecktic lives and look at yourself. .Look at all the things that make you you. That make you smile. You live once, and once only.