in a letter you will never read.

To whom it may concern,

Ive tried. Well i think ive tried, my very hardest. I thought i did it. I thought i had finally pushed that stop button, that off button that controls my emotions. As it seems however i did not. As you walked back into that room, the auto play bottom resumed from paused and worked its way through my ears to my brain and then finally to my heart.

Ive tried to think of all those little things that bug me about you. it just so happens that i cant hate them anymore because they make you and your not you without those little things. And the circle continues. Beating me down, until im crippled on the floor begging for release but still wanting more. I have no idea whether you know what you are doing, or whether you mean to or not, and it hurts to see that you cant see im hurting.

Underneath this tear stained mask, under the miles of fake smiles, my soul is trying to claw itself out, reaching out, for you. Reaching to grab you by the neck, but not for the reason my head wants to do but my heart, it wants to take my hands and cup your beautiful face. Because thats where my soul believes they should fit. It cant understand the logic or the sense it only understands passion and emotion, however unlike the head doesnt interpret embarrassment and hurt and pain and suffering and torture.

I gave up. I gave up to easily without a fight and now im angry more at myself. I thought if we are meant to be then we will be.

And so know i end this letter of resignation. To say goodbye. I may or may not ever see you again. It hurts to think this, i believe the worst pain to feel is to have to say goodbye to someone you love, but i think i have changed my mind, its far worse not being able to say goodbye. So here i say it in a letter that you will never read.

Goodbye. I love, still, through everything. The parting made my heart grow fonder but the scars still weak. And people will say they understand but they dont. Each situation is different some way.

I will love you always, with my heart and soul. With every part of my being and body, your presence will haunt, but i will treasure it.

cas

xoxo