finding a way to lie to myself seems harder than first anticipated.

Ok i now know i have major problems with keeping the past in the past. My problem is that i cant leave it there. I can not put it in an envelope and post it to the neverlands. My problem is that i cant fall 'out' of love.

I still wobble at the sight of certain places, at certain cars, it makes me weak to see couples walking along holding hands or kissing like nobody is watching. And when i see somebody with the same kind of shirt, not even the same shirt, or a similar haircut or walk, i feel sick and want to curl up and hid behind the nearest non moving object.

Clasping my sweaty hands i tell myself that one day my peace will come, that this faded memory will evaporate until I'm left standing looking at him and i wont waver. But still at the back on my mind i hear a tiny me with a big voice screaming at the top of her lungs, ''STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.'' That itself is a stab in the back. Myself is even trying to stop me lying to it.

Memories make my stomach ache. A longing that i can not fulfill with a delicious kiss or a sweet voice melting in my ears. Who can i trust anymore when i cant even lie to myself? The funny thing is that i don't even see myself and 'said guy' when i see couples kissing, i see 'said guy' and some other girl. I feel so hurt and angry and so damn confused at why i am still feeling this way.

I thought at the beginning that if i went out a bit more and enjoyed myself, experiment with drink and guys i may get over him. If i found a relationship with someone/thing else. However this experiment did not work. This failed attempt at moving on made my condition worse, so that now i feel like a total loser for pinning over an x for so many months.

Get a grip of yourself woman.