I am the chemo

Sadness creeps up on you. Then screams in your face so you cant see anymore. Theres something in the way of your vision burning and blurring everything. Its like a fist around your heart, as if when it is squeezed all the sadness will leak out through your eyes.

Today all that substance i felt that made me real, that gave me something to stand upon fell from beneath me and crashed into my heart and soul. My skin felt hot and my eyes felt sticky. Hearing him speak about her and the look he had in his eyes, i wanted to scream, i wanted to run, i wanted to slap him but most of all i wanted to look him in the face and tell him how much i love him. It kills me to see the pain and the sick and twisted disease running through his veins polluting his every word, with saddened happiness. With distant chirp in his tone, luring a hopeful look from within my eyes. It wont come, because i know. I know what is going to happen. I know what is to come, where he will go. And that place is a place where i cant follow. My train is not in the station yet. My name has not been called.

I know i should rejoice that his time had come to re-unite with God.

I am the disease running through his veins killing everything i see in my way. Because i want him to have the chemo, i want to see him one more time. I want that reassurance that he is going to be there. I am killing him. I am the chemo. With ever evil word i have ever tasted in my mouth or mind i murder the father of my mother.