..along the coast of my dreams..

''A true love story never ends'' - Is this true? Can it be that if i have met my true love he will jump back into my life? Would i notice if he walked into my life for the first time? Because i am sure, i a mean i am damn sure, that i havent met him yet. I can't have! None of them men in my short life have, well ok there has been one that has swept me off my feet, and there has been on who makes me feel totally comfortable with myself but none that stick around. Its annoying because i still feel it.

WELL SAY GOODBYE. It's time to say goodbye to all this crap about heartache. I am giving up my heart for a while. Putting it in a box, locking it in a hotel room on route 66. I need time to heal and to live. I'm going to stick my life into reverse to the time where i was at my peek, happy, hyper, hippy, and ready to party 24/7 baby, then drive in a banged up pick up or a mustang along the coast of my dreams.

A DREAMER. That's what i'm born to be and a life i am born to live. Dreaming.

There, there is one of my sordid secrets

I don't do pictures. Not in my blog anyway, they make it pretty and pleasing to look at, but i want the reader to notice the raw edges in each piece of writing.

Today i want to talk. To anyone and everyone. I feel i can't say this outloud for fear of being shuned, for fear of being told to be quiet and to stop moaning but i need to drain it from me somehow so this is how it goes.

I am one of those girls and i didnt even realise it till it was too late. Those girls that want what they can't have. What they shouldn't have. Chasing the challenge whilst ignoring the conquests. But today i have realised the errors in my ways and i vow to lock myself away along with my habits. I am a bunny-boiler. I hate to admit it and it shall never happen again whilst i am aware. There, there is one of my sordid secrets. And i am sorry. I'd like to say that i didn't know he had a girlfriend and i'd like to say that i believe that there could be something between us and thats the reason for my absurdness but i'd be lying. I haven't 'done' anything per say...but enough that draws him in. And now it's my fault for a broken heart. I put upon someone else what i felt i could have died of at one point in my life.

And here is for my pity point. I am suffering from ignorance. Treading water in a world where i don't know where i belong. I often believe that i can live without the men in my life but i can not. Or more i would not want to despite needing to get away from it all. I dont know what to do!!!! Oh curse you cupid! Curse you and your misguided arrows that bring me to my knees. DRAMA QUEEN MUCH? yeh. sorry. I just want to make a desicion on what i am going to do or rather not going to do and stick to it! A guy, a very goodlooking guy, a charmer though. Can bring me up and can bring me down. I know that i would. i know i would but could i? A one night stand for my first time would be a tad slaggish/sluttish no? But every time i hear something or see something that reminds me of that one person i stop and fumble on what i am doing and just want them.

I want them. Right here. But i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.
Would he? Would he give into me for one night?

Should i?

Life on blue smarties..

As i'm burning rubber, racing full speed at 200 mph into a crush i believed was more, i'm spinning deeper into an abyse of self-destruction. The timer is set and the countdown begun, it's a one-way track, it's hte life i have chosen, i have an impulsive personality that makes me grab at the smallest thing and see it in vivid futuristic colours. I am who i was mean't to be. How can i fault this? When i look into the mirror and see puppy eyes and love hearts floating above my head and a thought cloud with the latest name i simply see me.
Life on blue smarties is like living on weed, on coffee, a constant ringing in your ears, a buzzing in your head a motivation to learn, to gain, to seek, to find, to explore, TO UNDERSTAND. Many say love is a battlefield, that we should arm ourselves with our hearts. Others say love is could nine and eternal bliss is rewarded. I say love is in your being and whatever you put your being into you put your love. Love is what you give and what you recieve. Kind of like karma, but i guess a more pacifistic terminology.
Should you set out to seek love, well all you will find is an empty pocket and a drained heart. Patience cqan offten lighten your load, give it time, and your John Smith with come and discover you.

Sealed with a kiss, my destiny is my fate.
link of events, chain of it's too late's.
what i do wrong, i guess ill never know.
singletons lane 90^ below

poison creeps in my kiss
kills my hope in one sweeping motion
to save myself i must save my victim
and seal and hide any emotion.

Rom-com's and chic flic's infected my brain
making me think what i wanted was sane
wishing on stars, believing in fate
foot pop's and swoons on our first date.

Poison floats in my kiss
a potion i can't control at my will
with a seal of the lips i end all future
live to dream of a romance i know i cant fulfill.

History repeats itself....

I can't understand why whilst i am being chased i can not run. Why am i crying when what im crying over is already done? Theres nothing i can do, i cant erase the past or try again. Walking under one solitary cloud drowning in the rain. It hurts to think that there is no evidence, no scar to boast or scar to show. You'll only see if you really look, deep in my eyes into my soul for only there you'll know. Thrashing about my soul desperate to get out quick, desperate to escape before its too late and im sick. Sick of this life where its clear im unhappy, theres only one thing that polars this and thats out of reach. Me and my soul and my love alone on the beach.

Its like walking through a desert for so long

that the taste of sand in your mouth is a comfort.

It's like waking up each morning

after the same nightmare consoled by the familiarity.

But when you taste the sweetness of newness

comfort and familiarity are forgoten.

When you experience the excitment of life

you don't want to go back.

Its like forever living in a hole

used to the silence and the darkness.

Its like folding into yourself

against the cold unhappiness you know.

But when the world falls from beneath your feet

the adrenaline rush keeps you floating.

When the fresh air sweeps you sideways

and you realise you want it.

A story of a run away cloud.

..and when i said goodbye, they turned and looked straight in my eyes and blinked. The scene went black so i turned my back and walked as far away as the road would lead.
..and when i paused and thought on what i had just done i closed my eyes and said goodbyes that they would not return.
..and when i breathed, the relief that followed filled me with warmth i never believed would bless me, i fed on my content, and off i went.

..upon arriving in a place i cannot place, not much was there, 'twas pretty bare but it felt like home, why would i want souls that drowned me in sorrow?
..upon arriving i did not miss the silent hum of disapproval, the white soul that coo-ed in my ear, full of things that i never wanted to hear.
..upon arriving i wanted to leave, this place although desolate of the souls what not filling the hole, i am empty and this does not satisfy.

..i know not why i constantly cry into my claw hands, and scream into blackness for want of new lands, to explore and to roam and to forget so called home.
..i know not why i feel afraid to be like them so worker bee drone metronome lambs, i strive to soar up in clouds of grey smoke like a phoenix from the flames.
..i know not why i alter myself, deprogram all ive ever been taught, but i do know i like my being, i just dont like myself.

Why the fuck talk ot me if your not going to talk to me? What start something to end it? Why pretend to be something your not and pop my rare balloon of happiness? Why would you act like you liked me then act like you don't? Why make me make the effort twenty4 seven?

Why am i retarded? Why don't they like me? Why am i the last one left? Why do i always do this to myself? Why can't i do something right for a change? Why do i have problems? Why am i always the friend? Why don't they ever want more? Why am i always reading too far into things? Why do i always question everything?

Why am i here? What am i needed for but to show them where they are going wrong?

Why do i create these situations? Why doesn't it ever work?

Dreams

Well howdy partners in crime! Thought i'd write a tad about life here, about the future. Recently i have been finding anything and everything really hard to get motivated for. All i want to do is stick on some music and dance, shake out the stress and forget all the worries. I crave each weekend to come around with plans to party and when there aren't any i get seriously depressed and sink back into my hole. My life right now all i want is to have fun, waste time sleeping and waste time getting drunk and crunk with who ever. I want the atmosphere, the sweat and the bodies packed beside me moving together to the rhythm. I want to feel each beat in my head and my heart and my body. I want to feel hands grasping me, my head whipping to the sides with my hands in the air. There's not enough time for me to waste my youth and when i say youth i think of fun and this is fun for me.
All i want to do is be young and swing my hips, drink cheap beer and live. Learn the troubles of waking up with a banging head, and waking up with a moose. I want to have regrets and look back on and think SHIT! Stupid i know but there are things i have to do!

Street lamps.

Blinking at me.

Shinning real bright into my eyes when i look up.

Lights along the motorway, equally spaced.

Mapping my way.

Beaming down on the hussle of beings.

Bright.

Artificial.

Flashing.

Beaming.

Fake stars staring at me.

In the way.

Hiding the truth.

Fireflies darted amoungst trees.

Street lamps in the town.

Making me frown.

Who can i call in when I'm loosing my mind.
Becoming someone whilst leaving me behind.
Transforming, shape shifting from a world in black and white.
Opening my eyes for the first time to light.

And if you see me, call me back.
Hold on to my mind
Hold on to my being
Paint in my iris's with colour and life
To see not just trouble and strife
But smiles and hope and believe in the world.

Who can i call when I'm being pessimistic
the glass is still half empty when the glass is half full.
No matter what you say ill think it anyway.
And on the day i break this cocoon, I'll wonder if ...........

Rush

A fire! Burning slowly in the pit of my stomach, where flame-proof butterflies are swarming around, desperate to find an escape. The heat rises and burns red, branding my face with alarming emotion. That first firefly spark that sets all your senses alive, is the first step towards a numb death in your mind. All is lost! You cannot fight nature, this natural fire consumes your mind, body and soul with one slight change in the wind. Remembering the burnt leaves flying and twirling and dancing around your being, distorting your view and sense of direction but breathing in and out the smell of contentment. The rise and fall of their chest as you see them, and the butterflies desperation to get beside them too amazes you, it's too much for your circuit board. The current of electricity running through your veins isn't fast enough and you hear the explosions in your ears.

Calling help from all bloggers out there ...!!!

I'm awfully sorry to the few readers that check my blog out that i haven't been blogging recently. I have just had stacks of things piling on top of me and I've been pushed so far down that i want to stick my head in the ground and ignore it all, but of course I'm an adult now so i can't.

So basically i have to put a portfolio together of all my best shiz, and i'm calling all of you lovely bloggers to help me choose my best, or what in your opinion you call my best. Please would you leave a comment on the selected one or two you particularly like the most for any reason at all.

If you would be so kind to do so you will be forever deemed the awsome-est bunch of slinkster cool people i will never meet. (:


I hope you are all living happy and free. Casper. xoxo

My story.

I think its time i told you my story. I didn't know i had one until i read this book, and it helped me realise that i am who i am and that my life was set like this from the day i was born.
I am a naturalist, a boho chic, an emo, what ever you will label me as i am that. From the tender age of 2 it was clear to my parents that i was going to be a hand ful. I hated wearing clothes, i hated meat, i wouldnt wear shoes only flip flops.
I was born to lead a life of meaningless meandering, i cannot be trained, i can act, i can pretend to be someone, something i am not, but it is true to my soul that what i am is me.
Being born into a family where it is unheard of to be a pacifist, where being clean cut, tightlipped is a normality made my love of being unique and different more problematic. I am the black sheep, the oddball of the family.

It is well known that i am destined to be the vegetarian chic wearing organic clothes that is the last to leave the dancefloor, and the last to leave the bar that ends up marrying a guitarist from a local band. I am fed up with fighting the link that has a magnetic pull between myself and musicians. I am who i am. I will be who i will be.

I can not fight who i am, but i can fight those who try to change that.

Anger.

It's an angry day.


I am angry at the fact that shops open and decide to throw their 'it's a sale' parties on Christmas eve and Boxing day. Enforcing me to work on a family day. It's absurd.
I am angry at the people who go out and shop on Boxing day, a family day, mean't to spend with your children, watching them play with their new toys, spend the day on the sofa eating left overs and watching chrstmas films and specials on tv.
I am angry that i can't do that.


I am angry that my friends seem to find love after love after love. And all i find is disaster after disaster after disaster.
I am angry at myself for not being right for these people.
I am angry at these peopl for not being right for me.


I am angry that i have a festation of spots on my chin.
I am angry that the wrapping paper cost so damn much and didnt even wrap better.


I am angry that i am going to miss Casper on t.v because i am working.


I am angry that i am angry on the eve of Christmas eve.


I am angry.

Cut the Crap its only Sex.

I think it's time for the Birds and the Bees' talk ...

... and thats when the Stalk flew down and left the Baby on the door-step ...

When a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much ...

Cut the Crap. It's just Sex.

Ok for children i understand, it's not right for kids to be learning about how their Daddy 'bangs' their Mummy everynight when they go to bed, but why the hell is Sex such a taboo subject?

I don't believe that children should be learning about the ins and outs of sex at the age of 4 its just wrong they can barely grasp the concept of the alphabet! Why would they need to worry about things like that it's trivial knowledge compared to information as important as who's going to be their best friend tomorow! No?! However we are grown-up now..ok well i try to be..and i think its time that we just cut the crap and stop being so prissy. Thats why we are here!

My Grandmother is the prudest old woman in the world, and i actually get kicks from saying rude words around her, childish i know but its funny. Like a year ago my dad was describing a film we saw and there was a sex scene in it, he was fliting about trying to find a way of saying this, so i cut in and said point blank 'because there was a Penis on screen Grandma.' I have never enjoyed seeing my Grandmothers facial expressions more. She was flabbergasted. But what i wasnt to know is..why?! She has three children and i am pretty sure she has had Sex more than three times. Yes you could say she was astouded to hear me say it, but i was 17, and she does no me, i am outspoken she doesnt expect any less from me. Im the outcast, the black sheep, the delinquant of the family.

And so i now move on to the teens of today, Sex is so common that its almost as nomal as someone waving. Trading parteners, having sex with your best mates ex, your ex best mates partner, your best friend. But it still doesn't faze us.

I find it easy to talk about Sex, as a Virgin of the 21st century i see my self as a rarity. Who knows how many there will be of me left. Kids having sex at the age of 11, giving birth at 12 and younger.

Whats your views???

Drop a comments.

peace

verse.

I can not do this anymore.
I can not please them all.
The more i try
the more i fail
will this effort ever prevail?

Someone take me by the hand.
Lead me through this cold, dark land.
guide me down
this path so lonely
looking for my one and only.

I'm one of those that doesnt like
to feel trapped or enclosed
and if i do
ill try and fly
to escape no matter if i die.

THE DEFECT,

Time for a walk 'n' talk -

I never know how to start, if only i could jump straight into a monologue and for it to sound great i would give a kidney. I have two of them right?! Well its damn cold outside, the snow is swirling with the wind and settling on the tips of noses around britain. I think i shall talk about safety tonight.
You will never be safe with a lonely heart. I think my heart is lonely and that is the reason in which i have been doing some pretty douche bag things. Maybe thats the reason too that i have been randomly falling in and out of weak love. Your never safe with a heart in general, you love too much you get jealous easily you dont love at all you fail. Life is a game and you only have one lifeline and your weapon is your heart and your weakspot is your heart.
I am pretty stupid when it comes to saving myself, im always too late and well i should get used to saveing my self becuase its not as if there is any one around to save me. I see myself as some cool cartoon girl in a comic book, who is badass and doesnt need any one to save her, but i guess shes never alone is she, there is always her sounter partner. And she saves the world, i cant even save myself. Well what good am i?
I just wish i could spend my days just writing on my laptop, drinking hot chocolate and never have to leave my bed but for a pee. But no, i have to live with UCAS applications and think about my future, it sounds mega exciting but theres so much to do im falling behind and my future is quickly spinning out of reach.
Also the problems of guys, what the fuck is wrong with me ??! why cant i find someone who actually likes me and wants me? WHO I LIKE TOO?! im guessing that there must be something wrong because all the guys cant be defects, the defect must be in me.
Anyone have any helpful advice?

Relapse

Clawing my way back into that bubble
nudging my head into the side to slip in
clutching my body close to my chin
falling back into the same old routine.
rising and retreating my breasts to the sky
this breathing is harder for me since that guy
swallowing scratches my throat piece by piece
croaking 'til this wallowing does cease.
choking on my reasons why
retching on my pathetic excuse
addicted to a substance
i cant even abuse
i hate the person that i've become
i hate my new skin it skinks of weakness
gulping down a reason why
i cant be who i was before that guy
tear aways the layers of mellow
keep on going past my muscle
till you reach the window viewing
of my soul, there you will see
a tiny box with a tiny key
a tiny shred i kept of me.

When the anger clock chimes

When the anger clock chimes 12
its too late to dig a hole
too late to crawl and hide myself
to late to shield them all.

When the anger clock chimes 12
the dam is opened out it flows
my hands begin to shake
the chime says its too late

When the anger clock chimes 12
ready to rant and scream in rage
im pissed cant you tell
im an animal released from her cage

When the anger clock chimes 12
i'm going to burst, implode what have you.
when teh anger clock chimes 12
im going to shoot you.