Anger.

It's an angry day.


I am angry at the fact that shops open and decide to throw their 'it's a sale' parties on Christmas eve and Boxing day. Enforcing me to work on a family day. It's absurd.
I am angry at the people who go out and shop on Boxing day, a family day, mean't to spend with your children, watching them play with their new toys, spend the day on the sofa eating left overs and watching chrstmas films and specials on tv.
I am angry that i can't do that.


I am angry that my friends seem to find love after love after love. And all i find is disaster after disaster after disaster.
I am angry at myself for not being right for these people.
I am angry at these peopl for not being right for me.


I am angry that i have a festation of spots on my chin.
I am angry that the wrapping paper cost so damn much and didnt even wrap better.


I am angry that i am going to miss Casper on t.v because i am working.


I am angry that i am angry on the eve of Christmas eve.


I am angry.

Cut the Crap its only Sex.

I think it's time for the Birds and the Bees' talk ...

... and thats when the Stalk flew down and left the Baby on the door-step ...

When a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much ...

Cut the Crap. It's just Sex.

Ok for children i understand, it's not right for kids to be learning about how their Daddy 'bangs' their Mummy everynight when they go to bed, but why the hell is Sex such a taboo subject?

I don't believe that children should be learning about the ins and outs of sex at the age of 4 its just wrong they can barely grasp the concept of the alphabet! Why would they need to worry about things like that it's trivial knowledge compared to information as important as who's going to be their best friend tomorow! No?! However we are grown-up now..ok well i try to be..and i think its time that we just cut the crap and stop being so prissy. Thats why we are here!

My Grandmother is the prudest old woman in the world, and i actually get kicks from saying rude words around her, childish i know but its funny. Like a year ago my dad was describing a film we saw and there was a sex scene in it, he was fliting about trying to find a way of saying this, so i cut in and said point blank 'because there was a Penis on screen Grandma.' I have never enjoyed seeing my Grandmothers facial expressions more. She was flabbergasted. But what i wasnt to know is..why?! She has three children and i am pretty sure she has had Sex more than three times. Yes you could say she was astouded to hear me say it, but i was 17, and she does no me, i am outspoken she doesnt expect any less from me. Im the outcast, the black sheep, the delinquant of the family.

And so i now move on to the teens of today, Sex is so common that its almost as nomal as someone waving. Trading parteners, having sex with your best mates ex, your ex best mates partner, your best friend. But it still doesn't faze us.

I find it easy to talk about Sex, as a Virgin of the 21st century i see my self as a rarity. Who knows how many there will be of me left. Kids having sex at the age of 11, giving birth at 12 and younger.

Whats your views???

Drop a comments.

peace

verse.

I can not do this anymore.
I can not please them all.
The more i try
the more i fail
will this effort ever prevail?

Someone take me by the hand.
Lead me through this cold, dark land.
guide me down
this path so lonely
looking for my one and only.

I'm one of those that doesnt like
to feel trapped or enclosed
and if i do
ill try and fly
to escape no matter if i die.

THE DEFECT,

Time for a walk 'n' talk -

I never know how to start, if only i could jump straight into a monologue and for it to sound great i would give a kidney. I have two of them right?! Well its damn cold outside, the snow is swirling with the wind and settling on the tips of noses around britain. I think i shall talk about safety tonight.
You will never be safe with a lonely heart. I think my heart is lonely and that is the reason in which i have been doing some pretty douche bag things. Maybe thats the reason too that i have been randomly falling in and out of weak love. Your never safe with a heart in general, you love too much you get jealous easily you dont love at all you fail. Life is a game and you only have one lifeline and your weapon is your heart and your weakspot is your heart.
I am pretty stupid when it comes to saving myself, im always too late and well i should get used to saveing my self becuase its not as if there is any one around to save me. I see myself as some cool cartoon girl in a comic book, who is badass and doesnt need any one to save her, but i guess shes never alone is she, there is always her sounter partner. And she saves the world, i cant even save myself. Well what good am i?
I just wish i could spend my days just writing on my laptop, drinking hot chocolate and never have to leave my bed but for a pee. But no, i have to live with UCAS applications and think about my future, it sounds mega exciting but theres so much to do im falling behind and my future is quickly spinning out of reach.
Also the problems of guys, what the fuck is wrong with me ??! why cant i find someone who actually likes me and wants me? WHO I LIKE TOO?! im guessing that there must be something wrong because all the guys cant be defects, the defect must be in me.
Anyone have any helpful advice?

Relapse

Clawing my way back into that bubble
nudging my head into the side to slip in
clutching my body close to my chin
falling back into the same old routine.
rising and retreating my breasts to the sky
this breathing is harder for me since that guy
swallowing scratches my throat piece by piece
croaking 'til this wallowing does cease.
choking on my reasons why
retching on my pathetic excuse
addicted to a substance
i cant even abuse
i hate the person that i've become
i hate my new skin it skinks of weakness
gulping down a reason why
i cant be who i was before that guy
tear aways the layers of mellow
keep on going past my muscle
till you reach the window viewing
of my soul, there you will see
a tiny box with a tiny key
a tiny shred i kept of me.

When the anger clock chimes

When the anger clock chimes 12
its too late to dig a hole
too late to crawl and hide myself
to late to shield them all.

When the anger clock chimes 12
the dam is opened out it flows
my hands begin to shake
the chime says its too late

When the anger clock chimes 12
ready to rant and scream in rage
im pissed cant you tell
im an animal released from her cage

When the anger clock chimes 12
i'm going to burst, implode what have you.
when teh anger clock chimes 12
im going to shoot you.

The internet youtube guy.

He scratched his chin. But i saw no face. Just a shape against the black, no eyes to put in place.
If i could see his eyes, i would be quick to bet. he put his heart and being in to that fret.
His fingers spun music into magic.
And the magic spun its way in to my bloodstream.

The music fed my soul.

S.S.S. ~ Sensuous Soul Sex

Waited for this feeling to embrace me again.
Hoped that my senses had not dulled with time.
But love paints your world a vivid red.
Between hope and destiny a fine line.
Like waking up from a deep calm sleep.
To walk into a world so loud and sweet.
Listen to the hard beat of your soul.
Feel the sensous jolt from your head to your feet.
Breath in the sweat of your soul mates desires.
And hold on to your heart as we climb.
This ride pulls a sound from the depth of your throat.
A small short death starts time.

Dedicated to rob lol

Two souls belong to one mind.
Joined with a length of thread. A thread of thought.
In sync with the sun.
Two become one. Two bodies one mind.
The melody that plays from one heart to the other.
Dances in the sun dotes forever.
A sweet love that wont burn out.
Two souls belonging to each mind.
Each hold a half, but live one being.
Together or not, but not without seeing.

and then the pigeon came with questions...

I've become a shadow in the stream of light that used to be my life.
Each path i take its seems to me's the reason behind each mistake.
When i close one door, im left in a hall with no more doors or windows.
As autumn drifts by im left in the pool of leaves .

The pond is dry, the fish are dead.

Not one listened to a word i said.

I'm swimming in the night and im blinded by the stars.
I just can't see the sun for looking, im drowning im drowning.
I see a glimpse of the world ahead but i have to pass this level first.
Too hard, too weak, to finish the hour, the day, the week.

Painted up, my eyes are empty.

It's now clear they could not see.

Crawling along, in my bubble of ink, white eyes eager with delight.
Theres a dove and its flying, its landing on my bubble.
It see's me clear, my hurt, my pain, my sins the trouble im in.
But i forgot ive have no sight, this dove i see is merely a pigeon.

Cold me, with a warm heart.

where and when did this all start?

gsdoih

And then the pigeon asked me why i roll alone in oil?

And then the pigeon asked me why i can't see beyond my world?

I said dear pigeon for i am in mourning, i'm mellow and meek.

I said dear pigeon i know not why, i guess its not been my week.

sweet venomous callings

The poison is seeping into my bloodstream
through my veins, it snakes its way around
breathing in my warm sweet clean blood
and excreting hate without a sound.
I open my mouth and out comes a sound
unknown to my mind it seeps from my tongue
sweet venomous callings, like a lullaby tune
waiting for a victim ready to be hung.
Hanging in my noose i'm already hung
my head lolled to the side with eyes bright with fear
my head is spinning on a poll, eyes darting quick
waiting for a warning even though i can not hear.

Note on Epiphany

I left on a rather abrupt note after Epiphany and that's because i finally found out what i needed to do to move on.
I kept a few things in a box.
I threw them away.
I moved on.
It was surprising at first because i didn't even stop to look and read them again i simply threw them into my bin.
And now i feel so light that i could float up.
well i did.

Totally bummed ):

Ding ding ding.

We have a winner.

Casper has found a new way to feel totally bummed out when she thought it was no longer possible.

New totally, fab, super duper handbag, and shes feeling happy, which is really something !!

You know that feeling when you are holding that new purchase in your hands, its yours to keep for ever and ever and you just feel like you couldnt be happier...???

... yeah well it just wore off. :\ Great times.

Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples, Couples,

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are everywhere. FB status 'so and so have just got together...' 'so and so is no longer listed as single.. UNLIKE YOU !! YOU BIG FAT LOOOOSER !!! '

yeah thanks FB you really make my day now.

Its as if all i see are couples and its driving me bonkers !!

I thought i was perfectly happy with being single. I am for heavens sake !

But come on give me a break !!!

I know i am single

I dont need it tatooed on my forehead ??

I dont need it publicaly displaced across my page.

I dont need the world to rejoice at my toatal and utter loneliness.

Well screw this boys and girls.... i am not single anymore ?!!!

Im devoting myself to God.

How d'ja like me now bitches ????

trick or treat? Lets play.

And so i turn on to this page where i thought that feelings were true
their just muffled by the sounds i make of things i say and do.
a crazy maze and game of luck im flung into the lair
where their are no rules and in this game all and nothing is ever fair
who to trust, to put your faith where to turn you have no clue
becuase all you hear and see you'll never know if its true
this world is a vicious trap for those with bright eyes and ears
so watch and be ready to leap and attack when confronted with your fears
no one is safe no friends do you have your alone as you walk on this earth
make do with your senses you in danger till death and the game began from your birth
despair in the mind is a wicked omen where all you see is a wolf
the wolf's in my eyes not a trick of the light nothing and all is false.

Pinch punch first day of the month no returns !

Good morning, good afternoon good evening, for when ever you are reading this. I know it has been a long time since i last typed, and i have some news. Same old laugh, same old humour, same old features, brand new smile, brand new phone, and a brand new me.
Just turned 18 and have just thrown out my old heart so i have room for my new one. Yes you heard me right, i have closed that door at last and am now ready for a new adventure, new poems, new thoughts and new laughs. I went on my first legal pub/club crawl last night and would you bloody believe it i only got id-ed once ! ONCE !? what is the world coming to? So yes you would have thought oh dear i should have a head ache the size of mongolia right ? No. I feel fine which is slightly worrying.
So i guess your wondering now i have closed the old door who my next boy target is ey ? Well to tell you the truth i dont have one.. no i have many :P There is simply not enough time in the world in my teen years for me to limit myself i have just realised. No i am not a slut. I am just the biggest cock tease you will find and the biggest virgin (: Twas quite funny last night, a fight nearly broke out and to stop it i used my body and a couple of sexy moves to split it. Its great how the mans mind can only focus on one thing and love triumps always (:
New hair?? Oh yes indeed ! have shoter hair now and i have a full fringe ! Apparently it suits me so i am going to keep it ! Tell me about it ! so many changes so little time ! Its great i feel fantastic ! i feel brand new like a totally different person to the one i was 3 weeks ago. This new skin i have crawled into seems like a snug fit to me and i like it !
To wrap it up id just like to say that i say 'just' and 'lol' way to much so i am cutting down ! the new wordkins diet. And a happy all hallows eve see any ghosts and ghouls of old times past? Me neither (:

peace out punks.

Bite marks

Theres something in my eye
but its not hayfever season
theres a feeling in my stomache
but im sure there is a reason
am i slowly going mad
cos im having these strange thoughts
i seem to have misplaced my mind
under my pillow of sorts

This disease is having a slight affect on me
This bug, thats going around
seems it didnt at all miss me
ive got bite marks on my neck
telling me flipping heck
i have fallen, head, over heels, in love.

There is something on my mind
telling me that this isnt right
theres a feeling in my soul
thats squeezing my stomach tight
i cant think at all at a moment like this
theres one person thats running my mind
he's been catching my eye
and ive been getting behind

This disease is having a slight affect on me
This bug, thats going around
seems it didnt at all miss me
ive got bite marks on my neck
telling me flipping heck
i have fallen, head, over heels, in love.

l. o. v. e. l . o. v. e.

Epiphany

This is all i seem to be doing. I'm walking down the same street and falling down the same hole. When will i ever damn well learnt that its time to turn back around, start form the beginning and try and new route. Because every fall hurts more and more each time because its ripping off an old scab and there only so many plasters in the world that can hold this wound together. I have no idea what i have to do to stop this poison running through my veins. Every thought and every action flows back to the source and fucks everything up again. I mean music made me. It literally made who i am today, everything i am is because of music, yet because of music i am dying inside. Its cutting me up then building me back to strength just to rip me back down again.

I feel so strongly about doing everything myself. Being strong and a feminist but i really think its time to call in the mean guys cos i seriously need saving. This shell that i have been living in has gotten far to comfy.

I have just had an epiphany. I know what to do. I know what i must do to leave the past in the past. There is something i have held on to that i must throw away. That i must get rid off. Its hidden from my sight but my sub conscious mind know sits still there.

Cotton wool society.

Cotton wool society.

Teenage angst has grouped the young
has seperated us from the them
We are the generation for the one just begun
not ready to stand but who knows when.

Spoon fed children bloat the earth
Take up so much time and energy.
They're not given that they need wide berth
To learn their mistakes like many.

Wrapped up in our worlds behind
our phones, computers, t.v's
crossed eyes and paths but we dont mind
no see no hear, no hear no see.

Living in a cotton wool society
we no longer use our minds
we have all lost the ability
to explore further than our binds.

Hope can kill a thousand rays of sun when the thing that you hoped for the most died.
And that ray of light that was quietly growing inside you is extinguished in seconds.
No matter how much you disbelieve in something, No matter how much you lie to yourself,
There is ALWAYS one spec of dust of hope clinging to the back of your mind.
And that spec of dust of hope can still bring you down with enough force that you stumble over your words.
That i stumble over my words, over my feet, over my world.
That's slowly piecing itself together after that piece of an atom blew up in my face.

Hope is something that can build nothing into a huge something.
Hope is always associated with happiness and opportunities and optimism.
Hope is always associated with sadness, nothingness and pessimism.

My faith in hope has plummeted, its lucky that i believe in making my own luck isn't it ?

I <3 this ....

I heart this button. Its in the shape of a smiley face, and its smiling at me. Just me, becuase when i hold this button it sees only me in its world. Its smile is so big that it fills up my heart. And all it can see is me. Me, me ,me, me, me.

I heart this mark on my hand. I burnt myself and it has left a jelly bean shape on the back of my hand under my thumb. I happen to think its cute. I hope it stays there. I hope it doesn't fade.

The opinionated girls' opinion of Love....

If i were to write a book i would call it ''curiosity killed Casper''. Simply because that phrase sums my life up. It was the phrase that begun my writing, that began my cyber life, that begun me. [Woah i just had a dizzy spell, i swayed on my swirly computer chair. Well that was weird.] So yeah, im going to write a book, and i think i should write it all about love because i have so much experience in it and yet no understanding at all. How funny life can be sometimes. The way that my eyes work is that what i see is what i get, however i still seem to be looking into things way to deeply. Reading into the tinniest detail is i think the part where i go wrong. I have no doubt that i am not the only one that does this. I know that in your chairs you are sitting in, you are nodding along with me. If your not then you must be pretty lucky. Do you feel lucky? No ? Maybe you are lying to yourself? Hm ?

The women of today are too obsessed with finding the perfect man to settle and mate with that they are screwing up their own minds. I am not saying that i don't do this, i am probably the worst at it. I know what i want, and that my darlings is where i go wrong, every time.

Forever dreaming of a perfect love, eyes meeting across the room, a fantasy man, whom i picture to adore my every mole. Sometimes i think that reading has captured my imagination and that im still living in a book, the girl who lives alone wandering aimlessly till her prince charming rescues her from her own mind. Ha. Laughable i know. Who knows? Maybe i have met him and he has past me by as i have him. I guess i'll never know until cupid aims his damn arrow towards my butt. Or until i get bitten by that damn bug that has nested in my school and is infesting my friends around me. Immunity to a disease everyone else has, makes you feel kinda lonely. One more thing for you to be singled out from. One more thing that makes you different from everyone else.

God knows im not alone, i mean i know i sound like a sad sack and there are girls out there who are reading my blog/book thinking ''heck your not the only girl !!''. I know and i do acknowledge you all. For we are all sitting in the same over weighed sinking boat. Im just another girl waiting for a star to fall into her hands.

I believe that there is a match for us out there. Someone that makes us feel like our hair on our necks is standing up, that we feel we are perfectly, blissfully complete with. Someone that can change a shitty day into an great day just because they smiled at you. Someone that loves you back, despite everything and anything because in the end your life is theirs and theirs is yours. Who would have thought a rude, obnoxious, arrogant, stubborn girl like me could be such an old romantic? Well the old romantics do say [and when i say old romantics i mean me], ''love fools everyone but nothing fools love.'' Because you will know it. When that times comes for you to understand that you are made for each other you will know it. And when that day comes for me, i will know what to do, because it will feel like everyday is as naturally beautiful as it is when i am with him.

Tonight i will dream of the man that will change my life, and tomorrow i will wake up again feeling lonely and empty once more. And still hopelessly hopeful.

Deeper i have searched through mysteries untold,
and in the abyss of my torchered soul i found solice.
For here i sit with the answer resting in the palm of my hands,
A new me born unto my self. A begining of life and road un-paved.

I have come across that which wakens me and opens my eyes.
I can almost feel the stem cells twitching into place.
They are lacing into each other to build a bridge over the hole.
Stronger than i have felt before now i am.

My eyes are wide with excitement and anticipation,
For with this new strength and life i'll toy with pleasure.
And so the story begins and the life continues,
Where-upon Casper doth soar into buildings un-seen.

And so it begins....Its like the flu, love bug has been choosing its victims very carefully recently and has been biting the people around me. And no matter how much i reveal myself to this phenomenon, all i seem to catch is the flu. I must be resilient to this kind of bug.
My immune system is so tempremental, it will let me sniff and sneeze all day long but let me wither about inside uncomfortably whilst the ''others'' talk of ''the other night''.

There was a time when i was the one who was matched and floated on air. I miss those times. I miss being happy. I miss. I simply miss. Now is the time where i'm the odd, the gooseberry, the larry. Wandering silently on my own constantly searching for some epidemic to swathe me in cotton wool and make every fall feel like im soaring.

And what happens when they are leaping on to this podium they strive to stand upon. Where they strive to be. What happens to me? When they soon believe that that is 'the' place to be, that those below are beneath. What happens to us who keep our dignity and decide to wait whilst others look down and believe that we are the ones that disaprove?

And so it begins.....shunned from a group i once believed i belonged. Wandering and wondering alone long this road trying to find a companion who will understand. Cheer up they say. We are not 'sad' we are not directly 'unhappy' we are bored. Bored of the continuous drone of 'who done what'. Sex is only an action. It is only something when those who believe it to be, dont.

And so it begins.........

quirky song.

i'd take ulcer anyday
if i never had to feel this way again
oh oh oh oh oh oh
heart break of mine

in my opinion the pain is lesser
with an ulcer you got bongela
oh oh oh oh oh oh
with a heart you have none

take my pain in the bum of my heart
give me ulcers ill take.
the pain of a rip through this organ
is like peeling a really ripe onion
ill cry and cry my eyes will smart
ill say ill say its only hayfever.

Who'd have thought that an ulcer could be
less hurting than a sting from a bee
oh ho hoo
not a prick from the bow of cupid.

no silly love hearts
no velvet chocolates
oh
unrequited love

take my pain in the bum of my heart
give me ulcers ill take.
the pain of a rip through this organ
is like peeling a really ripe onion
ill cry and cry my eyes will smart
ill say ill say its only hayfever.

to annonymous...

Who ever you are.
you have spurned me on.
Thankyou for you encouragement.

you are loved
I wish you love luck and life.

casper
xooxxox

number 180.

Elated in my nightmares, my dreams dwell in despair
because i know that when i close, my eyes he's always there.
You may think you understand, when you have no idea,
I have lost his eyes his voice and face my deepest fear.
My memory stared fading and my screams are muted strings
for in my nightmares i no longer fear those stupid things.
For now i long to remember all things i used to hate,
Little things note just for him, but now its just too late.
I scratched away a part of me that now i want back bad,
The part that i associated with him and all things sad.
Woe is me the suicide blonde with eyes so blue with tears
what i once dreamed would give me peace are now my dreaded fears.
One small word i cling to now because i gives me peace,
One small word i'll cling to now until the day i cease.
'Really?!' can you blame me for this hole i dug my self?
I made my bed, i'll lie in it, where worms can help themself.
That small word can send a thousand jolts up through my spine
one memory i treasure now and till the end of time.
Nestled in that hole that used to live my broken heart,
i huddle with the parts that stayed for fear they will depart.
A hole for a heart.
A lemon for a smile.
A dime for everytime that they run a mile.
A pea for a brain.
A nut for my armour.
A cut for each time i fall for a charmer.

Pandora

And so i bounded through the forest with ease as i gulped down the feeling of freedom. The wisp of green and brown moss flying beneath my feet feel exhilarating. It has been too long.



My name is Pandora the first, the one and the only. I am a figure of Casper's imagination, perhaps you could call me her alter ego, nonetheless i am running through the wall of green.



The cold air rushes past my skin at high speed, it cools my raging anger as it pulses my veins. Who am i running from you may well ask? And my answer would automatically be, i not running from, rather running to. I am charging towards my future. My life.

''The Prince turned and took her by the hand and skipped off in to the sunset. Her white dress trailing behind and the onion that i gave him falls from his hand, i know it falls, he would not intentionally drop it. As they rush off in to paradise.
* * *
Looking at them, blissfully happy i shrivle up inside. I walk over to the onion and pick it up carefully. But something is making my eyes smart, and i have a feeling its not the onion i am cradling in my blistered hands.

I crumple to the ground, rock my body forwards and backwards, trying to loose myself in the rhythm. The wet grass is soaking my shorts and sticking to the soles of my feet. The floor is soggy now and the rain is falling faster and faster pelting my hair to my face arms and back.

The Prince and his bride lay beside each other on a blanket on a warm summers evening. His chest a pillow to her soft cheek. He turns to look deep into her light blue eyes rimmed with fans of eyelashes...

My eyes are red, with emotion i havent quite worked out yet. I look up into the sky, into the dark grey cloud that is hovering above my head and the bolt shoots down to my core and takes away the misery.

Oh Pandora? Why did i open that box? Why did i give him an onion ? Why ?''

Egg aka the suicide blonde

Why does that suicide blonde always look so...suicidal? Those eyes kept down, they look like they are trying to be strong, trying to papermache over her secrets even though its obvious. They are spilling out of her. Her crazy messy hair pilled around her face, trying to hide her shame. Why is she so sad? Why does suicide blonde walk around on her own, strut as if she feels tall inside? The girl with the pale skin with veins that score her journy through life. The roads she is to travel. Why does this girl hide behind her quirky smiles and kinky one liners? Who is she? Does anyone know? Because i'd like to tell her, she's a fake. And to anyone else, beware of the suicide blonde with the eyes that spell pain in spirals, she is trouble.

The ipod is her oxygen, she breathes in the music and blocks out the sound of life around her. Her eyes are glued to the floor, craves invisibility when she is not being talked to. Leaks her pain onto the internet for the world to read annonymously with identity. False as her life. Why i ask is she so strange. Does she live in a box. I think so. A box made from carboard with painted flowers on the side. Painted with the blood from when she picks the scabs of her heart.

She is like an Egg. Hard as a nut on the outside, all the same, blends in or so she hopes. However one small crack and she plops out. The diferent parts of her. Her heart and her soul. If you are really forceful her heart will break too and will bleed the yoke of her Egg. One thin layer i compare to her armour. Small and hard. These days however she has boiled herself so much that when you drop her, her inside will not break. Or spill. Or bleed. It is just dead and lifeless inside.

Suicide blonde is killing herself inside out with her depressive nature. And with no one noticing the shell she has created around her, she will continue doing so.It is all she know how now. Its a one way track. Shes lost and cant go back.

Who can i be for you today?
I'm sorry but happy is out of stock.
We have only the sadness on display.

Can i intrest you in depressed?
Its very popular at the moment.
huh! who would have guessed.

We also have mood blue on sale
its going for 24/7, great deal.
and effective for even males.

Thankyou for shopping at cas's moods.com
i hope you enjoyed our customer service
Please tell us where we went wrong.

acidic burns the skin that connects me to my parents.

Anger curses through my veins
volumes pumped in out my heart
who is there to pull the reins
when my actions begin to start.

Prejudistic views have they
Upon no back do they posess
Ive tried before to begin to say
what went wrong with all this mess.

Innocent in a corner she knows not there
and fought a helpless with no voice
how ever can this fight be fair
when the oponent has no choice.

Im shouting but they never hear
im whispering but think i shout
im calling out but i fear
they dont even know what this is all about.

Neanderthols i compare to thee
because your reason has no point
your speech is never directed at me
as if i aspire to disapoint.

finding a way to lie to myself seems harder than first anticipated.

Ok i now know i have major problems with keeping the past in the past. My problem is that i cant leave it there. I can not put it in an envelope and post it to the neverlands. My problem is that i cant fall 'out' of love.

I still wobble at the sight of certain places, at certain cars, it makes me weak to see couples walking along holding hands or kissing like nobody is watching. And when i see somebody with the same kind of shirt, not even the same shirt, or a similar haircut or walk, i feel sick and want to curl up and hid behind the nearest non moving object.

Clasping my sweaty hands i tell myself that one day my peace will come, that this faded memory will evaporate until I'm left standing looking at him and i wont waver. But still at the back on my mind i hear a tiny me with a big voice screaming at the top of her lungs, ''STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.'' That itself is a stab in the back. Myself is even trying to stop me lying to it.

Memories make my stomach ache. A longing that i can not fulfill with a delicious kiss or a sweet voice melting in my ears. Who can i trust anymore when i cant even lie to myself? The funny thing is that i don't even see myself and 'said guy' when i see couples kissing, i see 'said guy' and some other girl. I feel so hurt and angry and so damn confused at why i am still feeling this way.

I thought at the beginning that if i went out a bit more and enjoyed myself, experiment with drink and guys i may get over him. If i found a relationship with someone/thing else. However this experiment did not work. This failed attempt at moving on made my condition worse, so that now i feel like a total loser for pinning over an x for so many months.

Get a grip of yourself woman.

I am the chemo

Sadness creeps up on you. Then screams in your face so you cant see anymore. Theres something in the way of your vision burning and blurring everything. Its like a fist around your heart, as if when it is squeezed all the sadness will leak out through your eyes.

Today all that substance i felt that made me real, that gave me something to stand upon fell from beneath me and crashed into my heart and soul. My skin felt hot and my eyes felt sticky. Hearing him speak about her and the look he had in his eyes, i wanted to scream, i wanted to run, i wanted to slap him but most of all i wanted to look him in the face and tell him how much i love him. It kills me to see the pain and the sick and twisted disease running through his veins polluting his every word, with saddened happiness. With distant chirp in his tone, luring a hopeful look from within my eyes. It wont come, because i know. I know what is going to happen. I know what is to come, where he will go. And that place is a place where i cant follow. My train is not in the station yet. My name has not been called.

I know i should rejoice that his time had come to re-unite with God.

I am the disease running through his veins killing everything i see in my way. Because i want him to have the chemo, i want to see him one more time. I want that reassurance that he is going to be there. I am killing him. I am the chemo. With ever evil word i have ever tasted in my mouth or mind i murder the father of my mother.

Truth or Dare?

I have nothing to write today. I have nothing in my brain that is screaming at me to type yet i still feel the need to write. Its like a burning under my skin telling me that i have to write something, anything. So now i am at lost for words. Am i angry? And i sad? i have no idea. but i know that im not happy, and to get to the bottom of this mystery i will look at my life. I think its time for some home truths.

The beginning. I want it all. Everything. I want to be a journalist i want to travel, i want to go to university, i want to work on beaches, i want to do charity work. Theres so many things that i want to be that i want to do that im scared that if i pick it wont be the right one.

Me? Im the one who fits in with all categories but doesnt fall into one. Im a floater. Never really understanding where i am meant to be, even my friends are an array of personalities with no links what so ever. I dont know who i am. But i think im beginning to. When i was younger i hated clothes. I detested wearing shoes or socks and would rather wander butt naked. This is a truth about me. Maybe if i delve into my younger self i will find who i am. An overgrown hippie disguised in a suit of armour. My armour has chinks in it and lots of scratches on the inside and out. But i just cant seem to escape. Its glued with self disrespects and self loathing.

The middle. I love everything. I find no common ground with anything. Its as if i can't choose. Which is very true, i am very indecisive. When i come to a crossroads, i am so scared i will make the wrong decision that i just sit there and wait for someone to make the decision for me. Im not wild and free anymore. And i want to be.

The future. I want to be free and wild again. I need to stop worrying, or maybe the answer is to worry. Maybe i dont worry enough. I dont worry about the consequences about not deciding. Im not worried about standing still in the life that i am leading. Ill make decisions instead of leaving my future up to someone else.

Its pretty bizarre to think that i started this post with nothing to say and yet the words just spilled out of my fingers like a cup of coffee.

The truths.

-I run because i am searching.

-Music holds the key to my sanity.

-My love is locked in the room on a motel somewhere on route 66.

-I get scared if someone holds me too tight.

-I dont like to be too close to people. Mentally and physically.

Free falling with no foot holds.

Tumbling through this thick air
with my arms in front of me

reaching for unknown obstacles

searching for something to hold onto

meerly looking for a foot hold.

I have my eyes closed against the blast of cold mist

i like the feel of it against my eyelids

the choice to be anywhere i want

with a flicker of my lids im here then there

a world of unknown places to be explored with my mind.

Theres droplets lightly landing on my arms

Spleckling me with sparkles that are sad

Im growing too big to fit in this world i think

I want to shrink back to size. Pocket size sounds good to me.

But things never go to plan do they?

My body. Hillsong Church.

Life is an extraordinary thing. That we are all blessed with it despite our wrong do-ings is even more astonishing. That we have such complex systems for our bodies and thoughts, everything connected, for smooth movements and fluid thoughts.

* * *

I went to the Hillsong Church in London today. I felt so connected there. As i raised my hands up to the Lord i swear i felt tingles from the tips of my fingers pulsate down my arms like a wash of cold water. At first i felt uneasy but then i thought maybe this is a sign, a sign that im meant to be here. It felt right. It made me sing louder and rejoice with more gumph. It made me take a look at things from another point of view. Made my heart leap with happiness for no apparent reason but from the smiles that everyone was wearing as we walked out.

* * *

As i look at my body i think, it is amazing, just looking at my toes im already thinking woah man look at the bones in that, look at all it can do! How it helps me balance and everything. Then i think of my lungs, how they make me breath, well they are kinda storage tanks. Thats the way i see it. Storage tanks for air for me to breathe. That God has given me this life i am thankful.

* * *

Do you question your being?
i did. i still do. it not a question that can be answered unless you are listening.
God is waiting for you to hear him in the songs.
He is waiting for you to see him in the fields.
He is waiting for you to rejoice his name in the day.
and the night.
he is waiting for you.

Rant

i cant type at the moment im kinda drunk maybe ill come back to this tomorow and sorty ou thet typios.
i just want to rant abvot how much i hate it when epeopl screw yoiu over
i know im a cock tease but thats just a cover up on how insecure i am
and how much i hate myself
i hate it when peple screw you over
i said tat alre3ady didnt i?
oh well
theres one person that i want to flip my finger to
yeah you know who you are
so fuck out of my life
im am not matched to you
i dont think you and i match
i dont think our kiss fits together
i think we are incompatable
and i hate o
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
for making me his way
this sinister
old fool
fuck off out of my life
i didnt mean tthat
i want you in my life
but i cant have you in my life
and i hate it
but thats the way it is
you will screw me over angain and again
and i hate you for it
but i still cant stoip loving you foor iut

Im not going to correct the typos after looking at this i think i done quite well for my condition. But its scary looking at what i read because i really dont remeber typing or thinking any of this. Maybe its my subcontious screaming out to me.

Would

If you saw through my eyes Lord would you see the way i see
Or would you see simply your way?
If you could see through my eyes would your sight be hazed with jealousy?
Would you see red upon the things i disagree with?
Or would you see with all perfect clear-ness?

If you smelt through my nose Lord would you pick out the things i smell?
Or would you Simply smell the way you do?
Would you be drawn to the fresh cut grass as i am?
Would you Pick up the smell of fresh air?
Or would you smell everything?

If you felt with my touch Lord would you feel the same as i?
Or would you feel the greatness of everything?
Would you love the touch of heat from another person?
Would you love the feel of fresh cut prickly grass?
Would you love the trickle of sand through your finger tips?
Or would you feel everything as great as each other?

If you taste with my tongue Lord would it taste the same to i?
Or would you reach for different things?
Would you decline a plate of seafood?
Would you gorge a chocolate bar?
Or would every thing taste wonderful to you.

If you hear through my ears Lord, Would you hear the same as i?
Or would you hear angels for everything?
Would you love the sound of a babies laugh?
Would you hear solitude when listening to Yiruma?
Or would everything sound wonderful to you.

As you have created all. I am posed with these questions i wonder about what you see when you look through my eyes. Do you see the computer screen or do you see the soul i put into my writing? Is there anyone really there that i am talking to or is it once again a rouge for me to talk to myself once more.

Lay there waiting, Grasping

A shower of worries waves over me quick.
As a lion i cower under my paw.
The cat inside me cries out in shame.
What the hell am i crying for?

Stretching my arms above my head.
Reaching up to the stars up and away.
My head lolls around on my neck.
Claiming a busy hectic day.

Laying down with the fresh grass beneath me.
my belly to the moon looking down.
my hair as a fan all around my face.
Not the slightest trace of a frown.

My peachy perky body lies still on the grass.
My arms spread eagled around.
Grasping the air in my hands and my lungs
Awaiting the oncoming sounds.

Pieces

Shredded and torn and flung to the floor

Are pieces of me that i dont want anymore

The callous mistakes i claimed had no hold

The lies and deciet as i'd cave in and fold.

Ripped and peeled away from my person

With each of these memories the pain would just worsen

Folding my self so no longer am seen

Float in the wind, no trace where i've been.

Scratching and tearing my life into pieces

The feeling of worthlessness soon decreases

Like a jigsaw put away on a shelf where ill be

One piece just missing making me me.

Many Moons ago.

The sky is meant to be held up with pin tack stars. However when i looked up last night i saw that the stars were replaced with no nails aeroplanes. Which isn't how the blanket of darkness is meant to be. The lightbulb moon, shines through as normal but there are meant to be the pin tack stars to hold it up, shining through, they dont move, they stay there, they are reliable. They hardly ever move. No nails aeroplanes scoot arouns all nigth replaceing the mellow dull yellow glow of the pin tack stars with a pulsing red/blue, red/blue light.

Whilst i was looking up at the light bulb moon last night i did indeed notice how brightly it was shinning! it was almost blinding. But i couldnt look away. It was as if i was having a staring contest with the man in the moon. If i dont move he wont move and on and on. It odd how lonely the moon looked with out his baby stars planted around him. He looked lost in a field of marshmellow.

im wrong

when i wake up and ill look at my reflection

i wonder where my life will take me today

will it pay

the sun has only risen and i scared of many things

to come im dreading each thing i have to do

and see you

''if im wrong i fall i tumble

i crumble to my death inside

they'll look they'll point

they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble

i crumble to my death inside

im no good no good no good

baby ill cry''

Roaming my mind i see there are missing memories

ones that i block out to see

so they dont see me

Black corridors of doom where im glideing

to the corner where i plan on hideing

from you

''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''

When the memories gone from my view

then ill walk with my head held high

only then can i move forward

to the long lost tears ill say good bye

''if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
they'll look they'll point
they'll say. i'll die

if im wrong i fall i tumble
i crumble to my death inside
im no good no good no good
baby ill cry''

What would it take to make you see?

-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
when did you get into hillsong then?
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
ageeeeeeees ago lol
some one showed me a song they sung on youtube and i got stuck ever since
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
awesome
is it just a music thing then or a religious thing? cos it is mainly an international church
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
i do know that lol. for me it began whoely as a music thing i admit but it eveloved lol im not gonna break into a whole it changed my life i can feel God move through me thing but it definatly changed the way i see and feel with the whole religeon palava in my life
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
awesome
thats so cool
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
haha it is?
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yeh!
God is speaking to everyone, just not enough people listen, and you are, so thats awesome!
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
lol your so cute. Its just sad. I feel sorry for the people that dont open their ears, or believe in anything enough to change their ways/lives
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
exactly
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
but i understand thats not my problem. you cant make people believe or see what they dont want to. Music worked for me. But others are diferent
oh i may post our conversation on my blog i am loving how deep it has turned
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yeh thats fine lol
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
haha
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
people are just way too self asured, and completly unwilling to let themselves be vunerable. People build up their little walls around them, where they take complete controll of their lives, and are crushed when it fails. if you let God take controll of your life He can do truly incredible things
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
but suely not God acts through you so when you are taking your life in your own hands they are his hands too?
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yes but you have to let him act through you. He cant work through you if you don't let him
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
you may not even notice it sometimes though so how can you determmin whether it is him or you? [playing devils advocate here]
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
Planning for tomorrow is time well spent; worrying about tomorrow is time wasted. Worriers are consumed by fear and find it difficult to trust God. They let their plans interfere with their relationship with God. Don’t let worries about tomorrow affect your relationship with God today
matthew 6.23
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
ooh i like it !
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
thats the difference ^
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes
same quote different translation
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
in other words. 'dont worry about a thing. cos every little thing. is gonna be alright' i love how you quote the bible and i quote bob marley.
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
ahaha
nice
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
damn straight
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
a nice paraphrase of matts gospel there
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
lol
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
''So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.'' - Conclusion
i like that one ^
the new living translation

Smile.

Smiles create an intense warm feeling
that grows from the tips of your fingers
to the edges of your lips,
and just keeps reeling.
Until your face contorts to a resemblence
of the inferno that strikes through your chest
and soon begins to make no sense.
When your chest seizes up.
And your body shakes.
Your breathing increases.
Your smile is halfing.
I do believe that you are laughing.
Its not hard.
Just a simple act.
That shows your human.
Not in a pack.
This emossion suppressed will die.
Will wilt and cower in the dark.
Till no more will there be a trace
Of the happiness that once was spread,
Clearly and joyfully across your face.

Im lonely. and have no idea on how i am to stop it all.

Alright. So here i am.

I feel so lonely right now that it has affected my temperature.

I feel cold.

Its not nice.

Its as if im only half here.

As if the other half is residing with Grandadio.

Making sure he is not too lonely.

As he lies in bed.

Soaked in pain.

I feel sick to the stomache to think that this will make him better.

Its a crying shame that it wont.

It will make him worse.

Whats the point i say?

Prolonging his life, but making it uncomfortable.

Where is the justice that he should live his last months like this?

Where ungrateful men walk around care free with no health problems at all.

And im sitting here in pyjamas wrapping my arms around myself.

Trying to hold myself together.

So that when he comes out, i will be whole enough for all of us who arnt.

Then theres Jasmin.

How will she cope?

How can i help her though this?

How can i make it all better?

What can i do?

Its all going wrong and i cant stop this winding fall that we are all facing.

Show me the way God.

Show me what i need to do.

Smoking Kills

The smell lingers on me. I cant seem to shake it off. That poignant smell of cigarette smoke clinging to my skin and hair and clothes and nails and eyelids and lips and everything. Its suffocating me, wrapping itself around me as a constant reminder of what has taken away half of my family and has more captured in its wrath, under its thumb. I will never escape the devastation's that it has causes. That grey tar that clogs the lungs and slowly kills its victims from the inside out.

No one who accepts readily the challenges that smoking invites understands, they haven't watched their family fall apart one by one through this, that smoking not only kills the person inviting the clouds of darkness down their throats, but also kills a part of those left walking the earth. Me. After years of inviting puff the magic dragon down into your lair you will die. No matter what you say. You WILL die. Why cause it to come sooner? I ask you this.

Thinking of the casualties that smoking causes, i wonder who the hell would invent such a thing? Why would you bring forth such a thing that tears hearts and families apart? That kills the body that God gave us to cherish and worship. I pity you who has no respect, because respect build a person into a better person.

And after ranting i breath a deep breath in and i am once again reminded of that smell that is clinging to me. I want to shrug it of me, scrub so hard until no reminance resides on my skin. And reminds me of the graves that are full and the ones that are dug freshly awaiting my brother and my sister and my brother in law and my aunty and my uncle and .. and .. and .. my grandad..ready to be reunighted with my nan.

I had a bad day

Today i am having a bad day.

):

But i'm not the only one.

Someone i care about alot is haveing a very rough time at the moment and i can nothing at all to help him.

Chemo sounds like the pitts.

My Grandadio started today.

It doesnt sound much like a bunch of roses i must say.

Then again roses always did smell like poo-oo-oo-o.

):

I watched the film my sisters keeper with my sister the other week.

It was about a girl who had leukemia.

And had to undergo Chemo.

The effects were too real, it was sad.

And now i am sad.

):

I hurt my finger as well.

Its not been a very good day.

):

I also found out today, that that bag i loved o so much, was infact fake.

I will never trust chinese men again.

I thought he looked a tad fishy.

):

I was listening to my ipod today.

And the band [im not sure whether to call it a band or not but i will for now]

Hillsong came up.

Its a christian group of youngsters that praise God.

And i felt all the hairs on me raise, and a warm feeling,

like protection,

washed over me.

I want my grandadio to feel that.

All i need now is to find out how.

):

What a day.