Progress?....

HAPPINESS .... is creeping into my bloodstream.

A new sun has walked into my life.....

-warmer to my touch

-bright to keep the shadows at bay

-makes me smile when its dark and gloomy

-tigglish

-tall and broard like a tree to protect me when i let it

My SUN.

Smile like you mean..

Suicide blonde haunts me as my eyes burn red with anger.

Why can't i be happy?

Why can't i live under a permanent sun, where i don't have 2 horsemen on my back pushing me forward in the direction they want.

Im living in a personal hell where everything i see is in colour and i can admire things in their beauty, but all i can feel and touch is black and white, cold and solid.

The warmth that cascades down my cheeks reminds me of what i strive not to be.

In my head there are pictures of laughter and colour and rainbows and turets.

In my heart there is nothing, the puncture wound cupid shot has let leak all the substance within me.

Now all i am is a shell.

I am so desperatly trying to be that girl, the one who matches my personality but all i seem to do is get further and further away.

Im lost in my selfish self sinking in my own venom.

Tuesdays mood.

The teacup in which i am sitting is painted in the most amazing colours, bright stars, castles and turets, turtles and tropical fish, dancing among the swirls of pinks and blues. But i sit in the dregs of tuesday's coffee, in black and white. My skin is pale and the slashes are visable to the naked eye, im so white that you can see through to my heart like an x-ray. Shivering in the cold coffee i call out for the girl about to finnish her drink to stop, to save me..thrashing about, treading water, i can see that its not going to end very well.

..here goes today...and yesterday..and tomorow..

How to describe my mind:

Castles and fairies, books and tree-spirits, turrets, scrapbooks, sunshine and waves. A collision of crayola crayons exploding in the sky. Music, colour and words feed my dreams and litter each corner of my scatter brain. But each room holds a sinister shadow, a superhero secret haunting and poisoning each thought with pessimism and doubt. But every soul that enters my life i treasure because they leave a warmth and light that their personal sunshines come with. They chase away the night terrors that seep into the walls of my Pandora's box of a brain.

Once upon a time, a boy asked me to describe my mind. This was my reply. He told me that i should post it on here, and so here it is. But my mind is not what is currently buzzing through my thoughts currently. A boy. A boy? A boy! A boy. A man. How did i let this happen? Have i actually let it happen? I guess i already have. Let the turmoil commence. Pessimism is gurgling in my blood but it seems as if the sun is melting the worries away and submitting the doubts to a mere murmer on my shoulder.

Who? What? Where? When?

I have no bloody idea. He seems to have popped up and out of my dreams, he appears too perfect for my liking, hence the underlying absence of optimistic, naive jargon of a love-drunk teen.

I will risk it.

Bob Marley said once that ''Everyone is bound to hurt you, you've just got to find the ones worth suffering for'' [or something like that]

And so i lead a life of search, ill ride the waves, ill tumble and stumble my way through heartache until i find the ending and wish God that i regret nothing. For who wants to live a life of ''what if's'' ........

Anger tears presenting my fears

I dont want to let these tears fall. Even though they are clogging up my vision, i refuse to let them gulp down my cheeks. I cry in anger. She has made me this way. And as my chin trembles i think of what i want. I dont want to cry over her. Over her words. Over her looks. I dont want to become her. Become her bitterness. Become her idiocy.
I dont want to be somebody. I just simply want to be me. No one else. Just happy. Im not looking for happiness anywhere else other than in myself. Where else will i find something that gets me so right? Im cold with anger. I want to tear and shred and rip and smash everything i see. I hate this chain she has around me. I just want to break free. I just want to be. I just want to be me.