When

WHEN . . . .

When we talk,
When we laugh,
When we kiss,
When we walk,
When we joke,
When we dance,
When we lay,
When we sing,
When we hug,
When we hold hands,
When we run,
When we touch ............

.......I feel so wide eyed when i am with you. Your like the world, something new and interesting everytime i see and speak to you. I find a little bit more of paradice when i look at you.

A BEAUTIFUL . . . .

A BEAUTIFUL LIFE . . . .
I am a bird with a mended wing
look at me fly, listen to me sing.
I am a blade of fresh green grass
waving in the breeze of summers last.

Riding on the wind, swimming in the sun

dancing in the rain and in the snow have fun.

Living in the sea, Laughing in the sand

With a guitar make a summer break band.

Linking our fingers, combining our souls

connecting our eyes as my heart becomes whole.

Sinking in love, let it cover me in flowers

I could live in your arms forever could be ours.

A BEAUTIFUL LOVE . . . .

Humming-birds beat for my heart inside

when i see your name or i hear your voice

Every time you smile and if its for me

I quiver and shake, i smile i've no choice

You gave me your heart, in mine i will guard

I give you my dreams for now i dont need

them, you are the one that i longed came true

a fire so white 'cos red is for lust

the flames that dance could dance on the sea

because together we are much stronger

no red could suffice when you are with me

you are tall and you guard, you are my Tree

for you im not longer affraid to be me.

LOVE

LOVE . . .
When you look at me i feel like everything else is a blur
-like everything else is a distraction because your my attraction.
When you smile the world fails to be as beautiful or perfect
-even if it's not at me but when it is i'm free.
When you laugh the humming-bird caged in my chest takes flight
-it soars and multiplies all around my body when it flies.
When you touch me i feel like i am falling
-there is no adrenalin rush quite as complex, don't even wonder what happens next.

But when you tell me that you love me,
-it feels like a thousand fireflies race to my skin and set my soul alight,
-because nothing could compare to that night.
But when you tell me that you love me,
-it feels like i've died and im in that state of complete peace
-where all my worries compel to cease.
But when you tell me that you love me,
-i am whole.
GREEN . . . .
Dearest Green,

I was lying in the DESERT, waiting for death. I had no hope, i had nothing. But you drove me to safty and i am in my own OASIS when you take me in your arms. I am no longer empty, you fill me with happiness that no other drug could intoxicate me with. You saved me from a life of walking where with you i can fly. I am not bound, i am free, i am not lost but am searching, searching for new ways to make you smile. You smile. Nothing in this world can compare to your smile. It's like my very own happiness trapped in your lips because with that twitch of your lips any sadness vanishes in a puff of smoke and i can't think of anything but of how lucky i am that you, fell out of the sky, buzz-ed your little sexy toosh into a hibiscus and believed in me.

LOVE Casper xoxo

want want want want want

Want want want want want; . . . .

I have decided that i want to marry a guy with the last name Garcia. It just sums up the stereotypical spanish male, walking topless around the villa with droplets of water clinging to his pitch black hair from the swim in our pool. Boy oh boy! Steamy dreamy chunk of hunk purh-lease! But its all want want want want want.

i want him to kiss me on the forehead, right between the eyes when i am worried.

i want him to take candid pictures of me.

i want him to love the sea and sun as much as i do.

i want him to have arms that i can cling on to and feel safe when i am in them.

i want him to smell good.

i want him to be musical and want a house full of instruments.

i want him to love the world.

i want him to want to travel.

i want him to laugh at me when i am being stupid and sometimes join in to make fun.

i want i want i want i want i want. . . . .

oh wait......

A Million Miles From Me . . . .

Even though he isn't far, 20 minuites away seems like an eternity when i see couples that live around the corner. I wish i could just hop on my bike and turn up at his unanounced and randomly chill on his bed listening to music.

Dream World Of The Future. . . .

I wonder how long we will last. If we will last. At the moment we are all cup-cakes and fairy dust dotes in the sun, but is it real? Are we real enough to last? Or are we enough of a scatter-brain pair that time won't matter and we will buzz our way through life? Because i know i want to travel. To all these foreign lands, with different food and different dress and different languages, and i know he wants to too. How can we be so alike but so different at the same time? It seems perfect. He has ticked everything on my want list [ minus the 'Garcia' clause :\ ] and he seems like a dream world. My dream world.

Examens

Vamos hablar en español hoy. . . .

y porque? Por que tengo mi examen en español este Viernes, no estoy listo. Sí hablas en este lengua, me gustería mucho sí me hagas un 'comment' en español (: Gracias amigos!

Tengo miedo. No creo que voy a pasar mis examens y matricular en el universidad. No quiero voy, vale, pues, si yo puedo, pero solo a escaparse la casa de mis padres. Y ahora que tengo un novio, que pienso que estoy enamorado con él, la decisión para ir es más difícil. Bah! Las traumas de siendo un chica! Oy! Que voy hacer? Que puedo hacer?

The test of my HEART

I don't want him to get freaked out. That is why i vent all my girlie anguish and desire upon my blog. We are so new that i dont want to fuck things up. He whom i shall call Green, i believe has been sent down on a space-ship, buzz-ed his little toosh on down to earth and fell into a hibiscus plant. From there he sung a sweet song that lured me to this flower and its sweet aroma. As this flower opens i see more off him and piece by piece he flutters into my heart. He has battled with the Dragon, and the brain-teaser too and yesterday he passed the endurance test of the beep, so now he resides to conquer the lock on my heart.

We haven't actually united our bodies, i have chosen him to be the one to land Martian probe on planet Venus. I am scared that once we do touch each others souls, that we will either like magnets attract or repel. Both of which will break my heart. I am so ready for him to land on planet Venus that i can reach out and touch the balloon between us and i want to physically throw it away, pop it. See this is why i feel i can't tell him this. Because i am so weird. He puts up with my weird-ness but i wonder how much he can take. Especially when it's on this topic.

Now for topic mum thunder. . . .

I want to crawl into Green's arms and hibernate until she is dormant once more. The eruptions that continuously spew onto me are horrendous these days. I will never be good enough for her because i am too alike her. As much as it pains me to say these dreaded words. But i am different in so many ways we are almost adopted.

Back to the splinter in my paw. . . .

Love. I don't want to be in this situation, i did, but now i wish all i got was fun because, at the moment there is a distance between us but soon, there will be a light-years of roads between us. And we are so new that i don't quite know yet if Donne's theory of the compass will apply to us. Will the united nations of our souls carry our love for us? Will he want it too? Or will i? I know i know this is so teenage drama but none-the-less it is what is pacing through my sex-driven mind. That too! How will i cope without the growl of his kisses on either side of my lips. Or the electricity of his finger-tips?

I don't want this wave to end, and i don't want to fall of my board but as the midday sun rises i can see that my wings will burn and my grip will loosen. I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to hold him back either. However much it would pain me his smile is worth a hundred suns more.

Get a grip Woman!

.......and so the Summer begins. Here i am, bikini in hand and him in the other. The sun in on the end of a string and im taking it where ever i go. I want this to last. I want this to be the best.

No what if's. No regrets. No should-ah's, would-ah's or could-ah's. This is my time.

almost dreamlike when i fell your tribal drum next to my hummingbird flutter.

Here i am,

in an origami house of paper, dreading the rain but longing for the freshness of the downpour. littering the floor are my tissue roses, the house is getting too crowded for me because im growing rapidly. I can see the pink sky outside marking the evening. The fairy light stars blink at me in a lethargic manner as if enticing me to sleep, but i can't.

There is a balloon in my stomach that feels that its expanding by the moment.

Theres a hummingbird in my chest thats drumming against my rib cage and silence in my head.

No little girl screaming, no little girl dying, just silence, making room for the Indian drum pattern made by the birds in my heart. My feet are green, a fresh garden green with little red flowers weaving up around my ankles, when i walk there is a swoosh. My legs are bare and my pelvis also. Hanging around my neck in a relaxed manner is necklace of flowers, meeting with my hair and reaching my crown with a halo of daisies. My blonde hair cascades in loose waves making my body the perfect house for a family of fairies to live. Dancing in the wallow of the moon under the fuchsia marshmellow sky's natural light bulbs. Leaping into the air with a weightless bounce i fall into the light brown arms of a man who has changed me. For the better i am now walking with open eyes, now they are open i see him and who i am when i am with him not only has evolved but who i am because of him. I am but the same, but i can now see the attributes. And when we are as close as lipstick, when our breath is one, and

i want you beside me

i feel the tribal bass next to my hummingbird's flutter, i see this fuchsia sky and remember who i am. Who i want to be. Who i can be.

Written on the night i couldn't sleep. At all.

I am a dust dote.

Fluttering through the thick summer air.

Tumbling and toiling into this and that, no real direction to follow.

No arroe to guide me north, south or east.

Just mezmerised by the view of life from this angle,

so vulnerable and troubled.

I toil at the idea of falling from my westerly wind,

drifting me towards my new home.

So frightened of the landing that i keep myself high.

Hovering above the flames,

which light me a thousand colours.

I explode into nothing.

Falling.

I snuck out of the house today, whilst my parents were watching tv. I donned on my cowboy boots, slipped my lighter in my pocket, slowly, so very slowly i opened the creaky door to the porch.

eep.

Clunk.

I paused waited for the 'hello?!' nothing.

Then to the master door. The biggie. No problemo (:

Im free. FREEEEEEE! Like a kid on blue smarties im outathere......

With my notebook and fountain pen i run along the road to my log.

My place of rest of happiness of joy of solitude.

My log.

As i lit up a smoke i rested my head against the log and dreamt............

....crouching like a tiger in the grass i wait for my moment to pounce. The sun is yawning on me, toasting my arms and the back of my neck. I can see his chest raising and falling and thats when i leap.

up

up

up in the air

down

down

down beside him i roll neatly into his side and play with his hand.
He is used to my childish behaviour.

no

no

no scrap that, i tear open my notebook and try to think of something else. something more profound.

Trying to think of something worthwhile rather than to ruin this piece of perfect plain white page. Nothing comes to mind other than peals of laughter, yours and mine, combined, entwined in the air, raining on my thoughts.

''STOP IT!!!!''

your polluting my everyday actions with attractive thoughts of you.

Quite frankly your drawing me in and im on the edge of the cliff.

Push me any further and im dead set and bound to fall.

down

down

down

In love.

with you.

Cheers Bucko :\

A poem: for Olive

2 ponds, 2 babies.
You are the ying to my yang.
Causing havoc, running amok round beaches to fields.
A blob of Blondie and a brown bob, 2 dots darting from adventure to the next.

'lets swim' - 'its too cold' - 'the kettle?' - 'awsome...!'

The Bath. A whole bottle of dreams emptied into our Mediterranean sea.
Where we scuba-dived for lost treasures and found each others foot.

Mission impossible: under the security beams that clinked when you touched them.
down the slippery steps of ice. Into the chamber of leisure. And back again.

Shoot. I dont have a dvd player anymore. Shoot.

Growing up with screams and tantrums. The rebellious hippies.
Tearing through our teenage years dragging our loaded past behind us like a boulder round our ankles. Parents never forget.

You my drop of spanish gold are a friend i shall treasure. For even though we are separated by a sea i know you suffer your own raging storms too and we are in the same pea green rowing boat, trying to make it to the otherside.

Rejection

This time i tried walking slowly, climbing the steps i took great care
but once again i stumbled and fell
one
two
three steps through the air
the air was thin and clear and bright
i saw ahead but it was a mirage
i've been sitting on the bottom rung for so long that i am parched of affection

rejection

maybe i need a hand to hold
to guide me up each meter high
stepping stone. Why oh why am i crippled? Is that why i am
left?

Soothing my sores, my lumps and bumps on the ground i wonder
is this where i am meant to be? Do i belong up there?
Amoung the women.

Girl. Just a Girl. GIRL.
flat chested, small minded, virginial science project under the bell jar.

..along the coast of my dreams..

''A true love story never ends'' - Is this true? Can it be that if i have met my true love he will jump back into my life? Would i notice if he walked into my life for the first time? Because i am sure, i a mean i am damn sure, that i havent met him yet. I can't have! None of them men in my short life have, well ok there has been one that has swept me off my feet, and there has been on who makes me feel totally comfortable with myself but none that stick around. Its annoying because i still feel it.

WELL SAY GOODBYE. It's time to say goodbye to all this crap about heartache. I am giving up my heart for a while. Putting it in a box, locking it in a hotel room on route 66. I need time to heal and to live. I'm going to stick my life into reverse to the time where i was at my peek, happy, hyper, hippy, and ready to party 24/7 baby, then drive in a banged up pick up or a mustang along the coast of my dreams.

A DREAMER. That's what i'm born to be and a life i am born to live. Dreaming.

The opinionated girls' opinion of Love....

If i were to write a book i would call it ''curiosity killed Casper''. Simply because that phrase sums my life up. It was the phrase that begun my writing, that began my cyber life, that begun me. [Woah i just had a dizzy spell, i swayed on my swirly computer chair. Well that was weird.] So yeah, im going to write a book, and i think i should write it all about love because i have so much experience in it and yet no understanding at all. How funny life can be sometimes. The way that my eyes work is that what i see is what i get, however i still seem to be looking into things way to deeply. Reading into the tinniest detail is i think the part where i go wrong. I have no doubt that i am not the only one that does this. I know that in your chairs you are sitting in, you are nodding along with me. If your not then you must be pretty lucky. Do you feel lucky? No ? Maybe you are lying to yourself? Hm ?

The women of today are too obsessed with finding the perfect man to settle and mate with that they are screwing up their own minds. I am not saying that i don't do this, i am probably the worst at it. I know what i want, and that my darlings is where i go wrong, every time.

Forever dreaming of a perfect love, eyes meeting across the room, a fantasy man, whom i picture to adore my every mole. Sometimes i think that reading has captured my imagination and that im still living in a book, the girl who lives alone wandering aimlessly till her prince charming rescues her from her own mind. Ha. Laughable i know. Who knows? Maybe i have met him and he has past me by as i have him. I guess i'll never know until cupid aims his damn arrow towards my butt. Or until i get bitten by that damn bug that has nested in my school and is infesting my friends around me. Immunity to a disease everyone else has, makes you feel kinda lonely. One more thing for you to be singled out from. One more thing that makes you different from everyone else.

God knows im not alone, i mean i know i sound like a sad sack and there are girls out there who are reading my blog/book thinking ''heck your not the only girl !!''. I know and i do acknowledge you all. For we are all sitting in the same over weighed sinking boat. Im just another girl waiting for a star to fall into her hands.

I believe that there is a match for us out there. Someone that makes us feel like our hair on our necks is standing up, that we feel we are perfectly, blissfully complete with. Someone that can change a shitty day into an great day just because they smiled at you. Someone that loves you back, despite everything and anything because in the end your life is theirs and theirs is yours. Who would have thought a rude, obnoxious, arrogant, stubborn girl like me could be such an old romantic? Well the old romantics do say [and when i say old romantics i mean me], ''love fools everyone but nothing fools love.'' Because you will know it. When that times comes for you to understand that you are made for each other you will know it. And when that day comes for me, i will know what to do, because it will feel like everyday is as naturally beautiful as it is when i am with him.

Tonight i will dream of the man that will change my life, and tomorrow i will wake up again feeling lonely and empty once more. And still hopelessly hopeful.

number 180.

Elated in my nightmares, my dreams dwell in despair
because i know that when i close, my eyes he's always there.
You may think you understand, when you have no idea,
I have lost his eyes his voice and face my deepest fear.
My memory stared fading and my screams are muted strings
for in my nightmares i no longer fear those stupid things.
For now i long to remember all things i used to hate,
Little things note just for him, but now its just too late.
I scratched away a part of me that now i want back bad,
The part that i associated with him and all things sad.
Woe is me the suicide blonde with eyes so blue with tears
what i once dreamed would give me peace are now my dreaded fears.
One small word i cling to now because i gives me peace,
One small word i'll cling to now until the day i cease.
'Really?!' can you blame me for this hole i dug my self?
I made my bed, i'll lie in it, where worms can help themself.
That small word can send a thousand jolts up through my spine
one memory i treasure now and till the end of time.
Nestled in that hole that used to live my broken heart,
i huddle with the parts that stayed for fear they will depart.
A hole for a heart.
A lemon for a smile.
A dime for everytime that they run a mile.
A pea for a brain.
A nut for my armour.
A cut for each time i fall for a charmer.

Me. Back in the act.

Here i am, falling into the same old routine.

Where im a rabbit caught in the headlights, but yet i am repulsed at the fact that i wont run.

I am a coward.

Several times i have been caught like this.

I wont be caught again, i vowed.

But no.

No.

No.

No.

I slip easily into old habbits.

Walkig straight into y old shoes i find or am found but another mistake.

Another bannished.

Knock-kneed i sit here typing on the laptop.

My hair messy and wild.

Wearing my space jam t-shirt and knickers.

Smudged mascara.

Chipped nail varnish.

Me.

Back to the same old routine.

Me.

But have i found a cure??

Being a slut, finding new guys to plug that hole.

To plug up the howling of the wind from that gapeing dark void, when my heart was stolen from.

Me.

Theres no light bulb on behind my eyes anymore.

This is so damn confusing! I am most definitely still in love with Coliflower. That is a fact. But i feel like i have feelings for Broccoli too, granted not as strong. No where near as strong. But how can i harbour feelings for Broccoli whilst i am still in this state? Its annoying because at a moment like this where i have to sit in a room which i once shared lustful glances across with Coliflower my feelings for Broccoli are overpowered, they seem so minimal that they almost dont exist. As if i will never feel like this for anyone else ever again. I mean ive been like this for over 5 months now, you would have thought that would have been long enough, but oh no. Why cant i move on? Why cant i get over it? Its like it will never end. Like no other feeling with match or measure up to this. And it pains me to say but its true, any feelings i have for Broccoli are overpowered by those of Coliflower. Its an endless circle.

I feel like a monster because, looking back on it i have been leasing Broccoli on, as if i could leave everything behind me and take that place once more. It feels like my life is a Nintendo game, where i cannot move up a level unless i complete each task or have seen every clip, its as if i have to do my very own tick list before i can finally get over him.

Im kinda empty. Im no angel that you can hold on to and float up to the sky with oh no. Im empty, a shell, now theres no light bulb lit up behind my eyes. Ill never be able to love somebody again with this much force, its left a mark upon me. I put everything in to this love with out even realising, and the worst part it i tried to prepare myself for this, i new it had to end soon and yet i still ended up like this. I just didnt want to believe it.

Now i have nothing left to give. Im sorry.

Make me happy.

Someone make me happy.

Make me happy once more.

Hold my hand to tell me

im the one your looking for.

Someone make me happy.

Tell me things that make me smile.

Make me feel im needed.

and hold me for a while.

Someone make me happy.

Take the tears that fall away.

Be there even when im angry

Please bide it with me stay.

Someone make me happy.

im sorry for my reds.

ill show what i can be.

dont listen to what ive said.

Someone make me happy

take the nightmares from my dreams.

Hug me when im sad and blue.

Tell me its not what it seems.

Someone make me happy.

When my anger takes a stand.

Tell me when im being wrong

to help me understand.

Someone make me happy.

So that i can make you too.

Give me a chance to be somebody.

show you what i can do.

The three sacred words

Theres only three words, 1 short sentence, in the human language that makes existence on this violent corrupt polanet worth while. one emotion so strong that it can change someone completly yet it can also break someone completly. This betraying string of words are flung about in the everyday mindless chatter without a thought of the deeper meaning that is meant to be portrayed. This phrase is tossed about in recent times, an msn caption like 'lol'.

As a teenager, i have seen the affects first hand of love, or the lust that we feel. I have seen and see the disasters of this emotion, the ups and downs. The girls are too easily enticed by the guys that woo them and pull them into a false sense of security claiming they are ''in love''. That makes any woman feel weak at the knees when they feel strongly towards the person saying it. And if its one of your first loves and the first time he says it, then the girl is automatically hooked. Its equivalent to cocain, womens own brand of heroin, call it what you want but once you ''in love'' you cant stop it, your drawn into a whirlwind tunnel where your blinded behind those rose tinted shades.

I guess when you grow older your more prone to look deeper into what people say, and a little wiser when a guy says he ''loves you'' to understand you arnt the first person maybe. Ah what can I say? No ones ever said it to me.. not a guy anyway lol and when i say that i mean my best friends say it, but i guess not really meant it in the sense that they are ''in love'' with me, i may get a little freaked out. What can i say? i have been on the recieving end so i couldnt say but ive seen my best friends go through the traumas of being in ''love''.

He tells he that he loves her. She thinks she is in love with him too. So she tells him. She feels obliged to 'do' things for him/to him. He tells her things arnt working out. She cries. And cries. And her friends tell her hes a prick.

It happens everyday. There are websites which claim that you will fall in love. They garantee that you will otherwise you get your money back. You can not find love. That is my theory. You cant find something that you dont know what looks like. You will never know in advance the person you will fall in love. You may not even know you have come across love until it falls from your hands, thats when you know, and thats when you know you have to act on it. Otherwise you will loose it. This.. i have experienced first hand. And i am sorry that i can say i did not act on it and that i most certainly DO regret it. I am sitting her a few months later and am still going over the what if's in my mind. It drives you crazy. As you can see from my site right here. Im a hopless romantic. I shoot my self in the foot sometimes.

Dont waste it. Dont waste your love, Dont throw it away. And Dont EVER be affraid to take a chance.

Regret plants the what if seed in your head and it grows and grows till your head will finally explode.

back paddling.

Dont want to forget

dont want to remember either

going out of my mind

and i just want to find her

that girl with blonde hair

back before all the drama

would never have cared

or let anyone harm her

i want to be strong

and want to forget

but i can live just as long

i never remember

it hurts to think

it hurts to feel

i want to take this stupid heart and rip it from my chest

because all i seem to do is hurt

why cant i live with out a heart huh ?

cant i live with a pump instead one that doesnt have feelings

i cried today.

i fucking cried over a fucking boy. a BOY !?

i know !

and oh no this isnt recent. after all this time im still hung.

hand me a noose and let me get it over with.

please

im definatly sure its more humaine than letting me live like this.

GOD ! oh damn even that makes me think and then makes me hurt.

a wish for a love for a man, like no so.

oh greek Adonis with your olive tanned skin.

whisk me from my bed and take me from my dreams.

shake me from my nightmares and hold me by your chest.

i'll soon forget about the rest.

Adonis or shall i call you Edward.

with your billowing open white shirt.

craddle me in thou strong tensed arms.

where i'd never feel alarmed.

Oh be still heart. you shall meet him someday.

You have not meet him, you know of him not yet.

no need for your turbulance in that cage of yours.

when your like that. i'll not open the doors.

you know not of this feeling called love.

infactuation and lust and desire.

but along he will come call Darcy if so care.

Make love with his fingers entwined in your hair.

Edmund or Edward, Darcy, Adonis.

handsome and trusting and truthful and honest.

loyal and brave, sweet and attentive.

trates of a man who needs no insentive.