I am the chemo

Sadness creeps up on you. Then screams in your face so you cant see anymore. Theres something in the way of your vision burning and blurring everything. Its like a fist around your heart, as if when it is squeezed all the sadness will leak out through your eyes.

Today all that substance i felt that made me real, that gave me something to stand upon fell from beneath me and crashed into my heart and soul. My skin felt hot and my eyes felt sticky. Hearing him speak about her and the look he had in his eyes, i wanted to scream, i wanted to run, i wanted to slap him but most of all i wanted to look him in the face and tell him how much i love him. It kills me to see the pain and the sick and twisted disease running through his veins polluting his every word, with saddened happiness. With distant chirp in his tone, luring a hopeful look from within my eyes. It wont come, because i know. I know what is going to happen. I know what is to come, where he will go. And that place is a place where i cant follow. My train is not in the station yet. My name has not been called.

I know i should rejoice that his time had come to re-unite with God.

I am the disease running through his veins killing everything i see in my way. Because i want him to have the chemo, i want to see him one more time. I want that reassurance that he is going to be there. I am killing him. I am the chemo. With ever evil word i have ever tasted in my mouth or mind i murder the father of my mother.

My body. Hillsong Church.

Life is an extraordinary thing. That we are all blessed with it despite our wrong do-ings is even more astonishing. That we have such complex systems for our bodies and thoughts, everything connected, for smooth movements and fluid thoughts.

* * *

I went to the Hillsong Church in London today. I felt so connected there. As i raised my hands up to the Lord i swear i felt tingles from the tips of my fingers pulsate down my arms like a wash of cold water. At first i felt uneasy but then i thought maybe this is a sign, a sign that im meant to be here. It felt right. It made me sing louder and rejoice with more gumph. It made me take a look at things from another point of view. Made my heart leap with happiness for no apparent reason but from the smiles that everyone was wearing as we walked out.

* * *

As i look at my body i think, it is amazing, just looking at my toes im already thinking woah man look at the bones in that, look at all it can do! How it helps me balance and everything. Then i think of my lungs, how they make me breath, well they are kinda storage tanks. Thats the way i see it. Storage tanks for air for me to breathe. That God has given me this life i am thankful.

* * *

Do you question your being?
i did. i still do. it not a question that can be answered unless you are listening.
God is waiting for you to hear him in the songs.
He is waiting for you to see him in the fields.
He is waiting for you to rejoice his name in the day.
and the night.
he is waiting for you.

Would

If you saw through my eyes Lord would you see the way i see
Or would you see simply your way?
If you could see through my eyes would your sight be hazed with jealousy?
Would you see red upon the things i disagree with?
Or would you see with all perfect clear-ness?

If you smelt through my nose Lord would you pick out the things i smell?
Or would you Simply smell the way you do?
Would you be drawn to the fresh cut grass as i am?
Would you Pick up the smell of fresh air?
Or would you smell everything?

If you felt with my touch Lord would you feel the same as i?
Or would you feel the greatness of everything?
Would you love the touch of heat from another person?
Would you love the feel of fresh cut prickly grass?
Would you love the trickle of sand through your finger tips?
Or would you feel everything as great as each other?

If you taste with my tongue Lord would it taste the same to i?
Or would you reach for different things?
Would you decline a plate of seafood?
Would you gorge a chocolate bar?
Or would every thing taste wonderful to you.

If you hear through my ears Lord, Would you hear the same as i?
Or would you hear angels for everything?
Would you love the sound of a babies laugh?
Would you hear solitude when listening to Yiruma?
Or would everything sound wonderful to you.

As you have created all. I am posed with these questions i wonder about what you see when you look through my eyes. Do you see the computer screen or do you see the soul i put into my writing? Is there anyone really there that i am talking to or is it once again a rouge for me to talk to myself once more.

What would it take to make you see?

-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
when did you get into hillsong then?
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
ageeeeeeees ago lol
some one showed me a song they sung on youtube and i got stuck ever since
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
awesome
is it just a music thing then or a religious thing? cos it is mainly an international church
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
i do know that lol. for me it began whoely as a music thing i admit but it eveloved lol im not gonna break into a whole it changed my life i can feel God move through me thing but it definatly changed the way i see and feel with the whole religeon palava in my life
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
awesome
thats so cool
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
haha it is?
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yeh!
God is speaking to everyone, just not enough people listen, and you are, so thats awesome!
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
lol your so cute. Its just sad. I feel sorry for the people that dont open their ears, or believe in anything enough to change their ways/lives
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
exactly
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
but i understand thats not my problem. you cant make people believe or see what they dont want to. Music worked for me. But others are diferent
oh i may post our conversation on my blog i am loving how deep it has turned
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yeh thats fine lol
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
haha
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
people are just way too self asured, and completly unwilling to let themselves be vunerable. People build up their little walls around them, where they take complete controll of their lives, and are crushed when it fails. if you let God take controll of your life He can do truly incredible things
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
but suely not God acts through you so when you are taking your life in your own hands they are his hands too?
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
yes but you have to let him act through you. He cant work through you if you don't let him
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
you may not even notice it sometimes though so how can you determmin whether it is him or you? [playing devils advocate here]
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
Planning for tomorrow is time well spent; worrying about tomorrow is time wasted. Worriers are consumed by fear and find it difficult to trust God. They let their plans interfere with their relationship with God. Don’t let worries about tomorrow affect your relationship with God today
matthew 6.23
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
ooh i like it !
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
thats the difference ^
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes
same quote different translation
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
in other words. 'dont worry about a thing. cos every little thing. is gonna be alright' i love how you quote the bible and i quote bob marley.
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
ahaha
nice
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
damn straight
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
a nice paraphrase of matts gospel there
-''curiosity killed cas'' per says:
lol
-From fireworks to fireplaces, Summer stole what fall replaces says:
''So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.'' - Conclusion
i like that one ^
the new living translation

Im lonely. and have no idea on how i am to stop it all.

Alright. So here i am.

I feel so lonely right now that it has affected my temperature.

I feel cold.

Its not nice.

Its as if im only half here.

As if the other half is residing with Grandadio.

Making sure he is not too lonely.

As he lies in bed.

Soaked in pain.

I feel sick to the stomache to think that this will make him better.

Its a crying shame that it wont.

It will make him worse.

Whats the point i say?

Prolonging his life, but making it uncomfortable.

Where is the justice that he should live his last months like this?

Where ungrateful men walk around care free with no health problems at all.

And im sitting here in pyjamas wrapping my arms around myself.

Trying to hold myself together.

So that when he comes out, i will be whole enough for all of us who arnt.

Then theres Jasmin.

How will she cope?

How can i help her though this?

How can i make it all better?

What can i do?

Its all going wrong and i cant stop this winding fall that we are all facing.

Show me the way God.

Show me what i need to do.

ill be that seagull that steals your chips.

if being grounded means being rooted to the spot. to where you are. then id rather be out of control as i am. set my spirit free and let me loose.

i wont waste the flaws God gave me. they're what makes me unique. what makes me what i am. and eventually what i will be.

i stumble through life across my next idea. but i will always return to my roots. they are my inspiration.

I know you may never read this.

but i need to say it anyway.

i love you.

i need you on earth but if your needed elsewhere, go.

she may be waiting to hold your hand again.

to smile at you and ask you what took you so long?

to kiss you and still feel her cheeks go red and the flutter in her stomach.

go.

we all love you. we do. we give you all

you need. our Angels too. xoxo

fate?

How can we tell if its your time or not?
is this a part of what God has planned?
all we can hope is that your Angel looks down
wipe away your tears and flip your frown

we will be waiting our hope united
strenght is shared between our hearts
take our hope and fearlessness
and return with glowing healthiness.

confusion

have you ever thought that your happiness could pop
that if you got too happy God would snatch it back
sqeeze it till it burstcrack it like an iceberg
and if i stop try to please them all at once
maybe my happiness would shine on selfishly
desicions i can not make promises i can not break
Looking for guidence on a petit filous pot
for wisdom the back of crisp packet
they dont know i seek for more im the seeker of the law
What is right to do in places where silence is required
but all your conscience tells you to do is scream to break the ice
the little man that sits on my shoulder in red he tells me the selfish
and the little in white sits on the other and directs me to whats right
signs and directions i can not followbe it a rabbit with a clock or a umpa hobbit fellow
im alice in a world where i dont know what to do where i dont know where to go what door to open what window to climb out of
whom can i trust
when my heart is full of lust.

Moon of night, stars so bright
help me shine the torch of light
guide my hands, through these lands
help me grow to understand
Give me power, as i flower
under the moonlight dont let me cower.

Angel of the north, sun, sea and souls
Guide us lost ones through the cold.

The Big Plan?

Angel above your guidance is needed.

I'm on my knees look up, blue faded.

The world is failing is falling apart.

Its ripping the seams breaking my heart.

People are fighting and killing the young.

And there is no way for it to be undone.

Can we fix the broken and dam the leak.

Of evil lurking and mocking the weak.

Angel above can you see the problem.

Can you see what has got in them ?

The leaders corrupt and the nation belives.

Freedom fighters are terroists who decieve.

I shall look further seek God on a cloud.

When you look down can you say that your proud?

I know we've free will to use as we can.

But is this really your secret big plan?

God needs her now.

Your close to my heart, right beside her.

Yet this woman this leeche makes my skin crawl.

her voice, her nose, her laugh, her presence.

Every essence makes angry.

But for you. i shall try.

If not before. then now even more.

I know she makes you happy and she keeps your

Loneliness at bay. What can i say.

I want you to be happy.

More now than before.

Your not dead yet. Enjoy while you can.

For Nan. She looks down. she don't frown.

Thats her. In order she kept you.

But last year she left you.

God needs her now. And he will need you too.

But for the moment we all want your content.

Throughout lent. And longer.

Grandad. I love you. Your chuckle makes me giggle.

Grandad I love you. I'm sorry.

I wont worry. She cant fill that heart of yours.

With the poison i once believe she fessed.

There in the centre will Nan fill.

I know now. I see her in your ageing eyes.

I hear her in your cheerful laugh.

Be happy my angel. Be happy my angel on earth.

Forgive me my selfishness.

Forgive me my helplessness.

S.O.S

Stillness. Standstill. Stationary.
The s.o.s of my being
The contents of my heart and soul

A Shell. A Shelter. A Shore.
Where my thoughts cascade down a waterfall of tears
God help me wash away this sadness
Help me see this insanity of this
Pointless Pain.

The strip

You have me
Here i lie
Crying into myself
Alone
Drowning in the memories that are flooding my head
The dreams reoccuring
The hurt envelopes me
The pain strips me of my senses
The eternal cycles i cant break free
Tell me Lord can you save me?

Ode to A Friend [or two] :

when it comes to heart, the cracks and scratches
there's plasters and cellotape in clumsy places
a hand to hold when the wind is strong
an embrace to hide in when the rain does fall
they stand united, strong and bold with and for you
but there's snide's when times are tom or angry
deep in the bottom of your stomach you know
if reality is real in their souls then together they shall stand
when summoned again.
there really isn't a replacement for them
they are the black knights in golden robes with snow white wings
a ghost by your side forever more
I yes I shall strive to be
an equal companion that they've been to me
there's love for a fish and love for a man
but none like the love that i pass through my hand
into yours when you need me there.

universe-all

to these dreams that seem absurd
i curse the wall that bars me in
i wait upon the hill so green
to set my soul and spirit free.

To heavens up high i look in doubt
but inside i hope for that chorus of ahs
and when i am set free to fly
will only then i shall see me die

to swim with birds would be a sound
on which i open my eyes to breath
on callous occasions will there be tears
but my mind in the sky with bears

and to you who look with doubtful eyes
or dubious, or anger
i'll look straight back with breath in my head
shoulders high and fly.

Restless, rabbiting through my thoughts
jibbering jabbering at tiny things
the kind of things that set you back
that hold you from reaching out

i'll not stay for one small print
ill see that by line in black ink
and cries of pain shall see me through
to keep on writing poems ode to you.

dreaming of you

When I close my eyes I dream of you.
Can't sleep at night 'cause I wanna be with you.
Don't want to live, don't want to cry
Without you by my side.
When I go to sleep at night I ask God to make my days bright.
I know he will do it - I know it is true.
Because he knows I only want to be with you.
I hear your voice inside my head.
I can imagine us together again.
I know it will happen - I know it is true;
Because I asked God if I can be with you.
I see you and I together again;
Holding hands and feeling the pain.
What a beautiful feeling - I wish it were true.
But I am only dreaming - dreaming of you.