I am the chemo

Sadness creeps up on you. Then screams in your face so you cant see anymore. Theres something in the way of your vision burning and blurring everything. Its like a fist around your heart, as if when it is squeezed all the sadness will leak out through your eyes.

Today all that substance i felt that made me real, that gave me something to stand upon fell from beneath me and crashed into my heart and soul. My skin felt hot and my eyes felt sticky. Hearing him speak about her and the look he had in his eyes, i wanted to scream, i wanted to run, i wanted to slap him but most of all i wanted to look him in the face and tell him how much i love him. It kills me to see the pain and the sick and twisted disease running through his veins polluting his every word, with saddened happiness. With distant chirp in his tone, luring a hopeful look from within my eyes. It wont come, because i know. I know what is going to happen. I know what is to come, where he will go. And that place is a place where i cant follow. My train is not in the station yet. My name has not been called.

I know i should rejoice that his time had come to re-unite with God.

I am the disease running through his veins killing everything i see in my way. Because i want him to have the chemo, i want to see him one more time. I want that reassurance that he is going to be there. I am killing him. I am the chemo. With ever evil word i have ever tasted in my mouth or mind i murder the father of my mother.

in a letter you will never read.

To whom it may concern,

Ive tried. Well i think ive tried, my very hardest. I thought i did it. I thought i had finally pushed that stop button, that off button that controls my emotions. As it seems however i did not. As you walked back into that room, the auto play bottom resumed from paused and worked its way through my ears to my brain and then finally to my heart.

Ive tried to think of all those little things that bug me about you. it just so happens that i cant hate them anymore because they make you and your not you without those little things. And the circle continues. Beating me down, until im crippled on the floor begging for release but still wanting more. I have no idea whether you know what you are doing, or whether you mean to or not, and it hurts to see that you cant see im hurting.

Underneath this tear stained mask, under the miles of fake smiles, my soul is trying to claw itself out, reaching out, for you. Reaching to grab you by the neck, but not for the reason my head wants to do but my heart, it wants to take my hands and cup your beautiful face. Because thats where my soul believes they should fit. It cant understand the logic or the sense it only understands passion and emotion, however unlike the head doesnt interpret embarrassment and hurt and pain and suffering and torture.

I gave up. I gave up to easily without a fight and now im angry more at myself. I thought if we are meant to be then we will be.

And so know i end this letter of resignation. To say goodbye. I may or may not ever see you again. It hurts to think this, i believe the worst pain to feel is to have to say goodbye to someone you love, but i think i have changed my mind, its far worse not being able to say goodbye. So here i say it in a letter that you will never read.

Goodbye. I love, still, through everything. The parting made my heart grow fonder but the scars still weak. And people will say they understand but they dont. Each situation is different some way.

I will love you always, with my heart and soul. With every part of my being and body, your presence will haunt, but i will treasure it.

cas

xoxo

Terminal

What i hate the most, is when people look for fault in the most beautifulest of things.

You have what you have. You are what you are so fucking deal with it. I can not stand it when someone looks into things and doesnt see the bigger picture. You are all so fucking lucky. we all are. To have your health is such a wonderful thing, so dont EVER take it for granted.

Definations for Terminal :

- station where transport vehicles load or unload passengers or goods

- That which terminates or ends; termination; extremity.

- causing or ending in or approaching death; "a terminal patient"; "terminal cancer"

you dont have this much to worry about do you? I want you to take a moment in your busy hecktic lives and look at yourself. .Look at all the things that make you you. That make you smile. You live once, and once only.