18:

i am trapped in my own skin,

i never seem to be able to undestand who i am

i know who i am but

i can't understand why i do and the act the way i do.

i want to run in the wind so fast that the leaves fly with me.

i want to bath in the mud like a seed.

knowing that inside me is a green dream waiting to errupt.

ONE DAY.

The questions in my head are hitting and bouncing off each other.

Do i know who i am?

Will i find him hiding in the bud of an hibiscus, growing and learning until he is ready to bloom and guide me towards him with a little ray of sunshine.

When i wait outside in the rain, the tink of the droplets dancing on my bare arms, the mud reaches from between my toes, i hope to be at one and peaceful and then he will come.

Our souls will mirror, so that when apart they will never separate. There will always be a reflection hovering in the triangular looking glass of my soul.

ONE DAY.

There, there is one of my sordid secrets

I don't do pictures. Not in my blog anyway, they make it pretty and pleasing to look at, but i want the reader to notice the raw edges in each piece of writing.

Today i want to talk. To anyone and everyone. I feel i can't say this outloud for fear of being shuned, for fear of being told to be quiet and to stop moaning but i need to drain it from me somehow so this is how it goes.

I am one of those girls and i didnt even realise it till it was too late. Those girls that want what they can't have. What they shouldn't have. Chasing the challenge whilst ignoring the conquests. But today i have realised the errors in my ways and i vow to lock myself away along with my habits. I am a bunny-boiler. I hate to admit it and it shall never happen again whilst i am aware. There, there is one of my sordid secrets. And i am sorry. I'd like to say that i didn't know he had a girlfriend and i'd like to say that i believe that there could be something between us and thats the reason for my absurdness but i'd be lying. I haven't 'done' anything per say...but enough that draws him in. And now it's my fault for a broken heart. I put upon someone else what i felt i could have died of at one point in my life.

And here is for my pity point. I am suffering from ignorance. Treading water in a world where i don't know where i belong. I often believe that i can live without the men in my life but i can not. Or more i would not want to despite needing to get away from it all. I dont know what to do!!!! Oh curse you cupid! Curse you and your misguided arrows that bring me to my knees. DRAMA QUEEN MUCH? yeh. sorry. I just want to make a desicion on what i am going to do or rather not going to do and stick to it! A guy, a very goodlooking guy, a charmer though. Can bring me up and can bring me down. I know that i would. i know i would but could i? A one night stand for my first time would be a tad slaggish/sluttish no? But every time i hear something or see something that reminds me of that one person i stop and fumble on what i am doing and just want them.

I want them. Right here. But i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.
Would he? Would he give into me for one night?

Should i?

Egg aka the suicide blonde

Why does that suicide blonde always look so...suicidal? Those eyes kept down, they look like they are trying to be strong, trying to papermache over her secrets even though its obvious. They are spilling out of her. Her crazy messy hair pilled around her face, trying to hide her shame. Why is she so sad? Why does suicide blonde walk around on her own, strut as if she feels tall inside? The girl with the pale skin with veins that score her journy through life. The roads she is to travel. Why does this girl hide behind her quirky smiles and kinky one liners? Who is she? Does anyone know? Because i'd like to tell her, she's a fake. And to anyone else, beware of the suicide blonde with the eyes that spell pain in spirals, she is trouble.

The ipod is her oxygen, she breathes in the music and blocks out the sound of life around her. Her eyes are glued to the floor, craves invisibility when she is not being talked to. Leaks her pain onto the internet for the world to read annonymously with identity. False as her life. Why i ask is she so strange. Does she live in a box. I think so. A box made from carboard with painted flowers on the side. Painted with the blood from when she picks the scabs of her heart.

She is like an Egg. Hard as a nut on the outside, all the same, blends in or so she hopes. However one small crack and she plops out. The diferent parts of her. Her heart and her soul. If you are really forceful her heart will break too and will bleed the yoke of her Egg. One thin layer i compare to her armour. Small and hard. These days however she has boiled herself so much that when you drop her, her inside will not break. Or spill. Or bleed. It is just dead and lifeless inside.

Suicide blonde is killing herself inside out with her depressive nature. And with no one noticing the shell she has created around her, she will continue doing so.It is all she know how now. Its a one way track. Shes lost and cant go back.

The three sacred words

Theres only three words, 1 short sentence, in the human language that makes existence on this violent corrupt polanet worth while. one emotion so strong that it can change someone completly yet it can also break someone completly. This betraying string of words are flung about in the everyday mindless chatter without a thought of the deeper meaning that is meant to be portrayed. This phrase is tossed about in recent times, an msn caption like 'lol'.

As a teenager, i have seen the affects first hand of love, or the lust that we feel. I have seen and see the disasters of this emotion, the ups and downs. The girls are too easily enticed by the guys that woo them and pull them into a false sense of security claiming they are ''in love''. That makes any woman feel weak at the knees when they feel strongly towards the person saying it. And if its one of your first loves and the first time he says it, then the girl is automatically hooked. Its equivalent to cocain, womens own brand of heroin, call it what you want but once you ''in love'' you cant stop it, your drawn into a whirlwind tunnel where your blinded behind those rose tinted shades.

I guess when you grow older your more prone to look deeper into what people say, and a little wiser when a guy says he ''loves you'' to understand you arnt the first person maybe. Ah what can I say? No ones ever said it to me.. not a guy anyway lol and when i say that i mean my best friends say it, but i guess not really meant it in the sense that they are ''in love'' with me, i may get a little freaked out. What can i say? i have been on the recieving end so i couldnt say but ive seen my best friends go through the traumas of being in ''love''.

He tells he that he loves her. She thinks she is in love with him too. So she tells him. She feels obliged to 'do' things for him/to him. He tells her things arnt working out. She cries. And cries. And her friends tell her hes a prick.

It happens everyday. There are websites which claim that you will fall in love. They garantee that you will otherwise you get your money back. You can not find love. That is my theory. You cant find something that you dont know what looks like. You will never know in advance the person you will fall in love. You may not even know you have come across love until it falls from your hands, thats when you know, and thats when you know you have to act on it. Otherwise you will loose it. This.. i have experienced first hand. And i am sorry that i can say i did not act on it and that i most certainly DO regret it. I am sitting her a few months later and am still going over the what if's in my mind. It drives you crazy. As you can see from my site right here. Im a hopless romantic. I shoot my self in the foot sometimes.

Dont waste it. Dont waste your love, Dont throw it away. And Dont EVER be affraid to take a chance.

Regret plants the what if seed in your head and it grows and grows till your head will finally explode.