Smoking Kills

The smell lingers on me. I cant seem to shake it off. That poignant smell of cigarette smoke clinging to my skin and hair and clothes and nails and eyelids and lips and everything. Its suffocating me, wrapping itself around me as a constant reminder of what has taken away half of my family and has more captured in its wrath, under its thumb. I will never escape the devastation's that it has causes. That grey tar that clogs the lungs and slowly kills its victims from the inside out.

No one who accepts readily the challenges that smoking invites understands, they haven't watched their family fall apart one by one through this, that smoking not only kills the person inviting the clouds of darkness down their throats, but also kills a part of those left walking the earth. Me. After years of inviting puff the magic dragon down into your lair you will die. No matter what you say. You WILL die. Why cause it to come sooner? I ask you this.

Thinking of the casualties that smoking causes, i wonder who the hell would invent such a thing? Why would you bring forth such a thing that tears hearts and families apart? That kills the body that God gave us to cherish and worship. I pity you who has no respect, because respect build a person into a better person.

And after ranting i breath a deep breath in and i am once again reminded of that smell that is clinging to me. I want to shrug it of me, scrub so hard until no reminance resides on my skin. And reminds me of the graves that are full and the ones that are dug freshly awaiting my brother and my sister and my brother in law and my aunty and my uncle and .. and .. and .. my grandad..ready to be reunighted with my nan.

im living a life

Hello you, a well known fiend,
i welcome your presence
with open arms
embrace your presence
with no alarm
i understand your ways and thoughts
i see each clock
turn and tick
yet take it lieing down
each punch each kick.

i known the future.

as clear as the sun beams.
as predictable as the rising moon and falling stars.
ill walk into that black hole of doom
frozen and shattered to death.

yet each time i await my destiny with open arms
a warm breeze stops the
inevitable, my clogs un-popped.
i live a death. where i cant stand no more.

speech has escaped me.
sounds have clogged my ears.
and the sights i see no longer give pleasure.

i have lived a life for so long in silence
that no i feel is the time to speak up.
LOUDER than before.
someone must hear me ?
are they too wrapped up in their own lives that they dont understand
they dont understand how im feeling at the moment and im
screaming in despair
wont someone ask me in all honesty
if the feelings i am showing is the story of my heart??

should they not uinderstand this by now??

no one.. NOT NO ONE. knows the extent of the pain i am forced to with hold.
like on a phone where the caller wont pick up
i am living a life on hold. God just wont let me go.
let my body seize and my soul float to salvation.

em pleh ,esaelp.
ksa i lla s'ti.
ecaep

Forever hold my peace

Slience is caught in my ears
And the words i long for are caught in my throat
The darkness comes creeping
Whilst i am sleeping
Forever hold my peace

Silence is trapped in my hands

My future i search for is floating about

The darkness is sweeping

My blood comes out seeping

Forever hold my peace

Silence is drowing my voice

The need to cry out, satisfy my bout

The darkness i'm keeping

Blind i am leaping

Forever hold my peace

Ice cold breath of Death .

A stab of panic through my chest
I forget the reasons i need to breath
And i focus on one i forget all the rest
I'm being chased by death.

Say that im paranoid when i say
It's waiting for me behind the door
I'm taking my life day by day
But begining to wonder what the hell its for.

The icy breath flows down my nape
The shivers rumpture along my spine
cant whats trapping my mouth like tape
What to scream to keep whats mine.

Take me, or leave me just not inbetween
I'm living a life without any mean
In limbo im waiting for my sentence
Please hurry leave me without my senses.

Take the hit.

To take the hit, and feel the surge
To feel the rush and release of the urge
I understand the need to score
To take that cut behind that door.
But you can stop, can walk away
with help from friends keep them at bay.
Cast the shadows from your life
Take the plunge in your stife
I hear its hard, but i dont know
All i can do is help you grow.
Help you walk and learn to live
Without the horrors that drugs can give.

torturous game of love

As these burning tears of pain
roll down my cheeks hide in the rain

the sting that follows as i close
my eyes to shield my heart it grows

the constant flowing never ceases
the hole of pain it never eases

My hands are shaking with my fury
hold me back please mother mary

i choke i shake i let them roll
it hurts to see them as a whole

not one drop tips on my nose
continued tears forever flows

And when i look on through my phone
i see your name and feel alone

and when that feeling creeps up again
i cant help the stream caused by men

well not men just one in question
holds my heart my soul posession

and now the tri where it can fit
is gapeing like a bottemless pit

it hurts to breath
it hurts to cry
but when i breath
cant help but cry
and so this vicious merry go round of pain
wont let me of this torturous game.

skies of orange

Rows of Blue, so simple, so straight,
so ordered but it confuses me,
how can something be so ordained?

with all my strength within i look,
i dare look at thee with the pain in my eyes.

Seconds ticking away the time of my life passes
quicker when your presence is graced with me

i check my look and creep my last
glance towards your beautiful eyes,
can you feel the burn?

Your eyes so brown, like a depth i could
loose myself in, your grasp like an iron hold
yet so free, so safe to me.

cifer through this sad excuse of a heart of mine,
take all you see of worth and leave
with the last traces of faith
crippled with pain, doubled over you

i used to be so sain when i used my head
but now im parted, my head is full of you

when the summers gone and you the autumn
the season of orange
skies of leaves
i try i try and end up hating possibilities

everytime i try i loose
when will i learn that the notches marked along my arm
determin the futur that can never be

testing the water
tasting the freedom on the tip of my tongue

can they all see im wasting my time
hurting on you
hurting myself

will i ever see that the more i try the more i hurt and the more steps you take away from me

i wish you could see
see the skies of leaves i see when i close my eyes
so you too can see the pain behind these eyes
see the pain you create when you look at me
when you touch me
when you light the candle and burn my fingers
when you let me in
when you tell me you are there
when you wrap your arms around me
when you look at me
when you say my name
when you take my hand

why dont you feel that everytime
the height grows
and the fall is further
when the silence of your presence creeps in to the night
and swallows me
whole.
broken.

Tears

i can cry.
i do.
i sometimes cry just to hear it.
to see the droplets.
i cry for no reason.
i cry for more than one reason.
i cry because i know if i didnt i would doubt my existance.
i cry because the tears that form make me smile.
Tears are pretty.
How can they bring sadness.
tears come when i cry.
sometimes they dont.
i cry because i want it badly.
i cry because you dont.
i cry for the summer that rests on my eyelashes at the each of the day.
Tears on my eyelashes, wash away the summer.
Long gone is the summer now.
No traces are allowed to be laft.
I cry to take the pain away with the tears.

nothing

It's like we're playing a diffrent game
when i'm not told the rules
i'm blinded not knowing where i'm headed
and feel that we're acting such fools.
Theres this line infront of me
calling me coaxing me
try try try try try try try
one thin strip
one chance
i'll walk it because your there beneath me
ready with arms wide
to catch me
open them open them
my lids flicker and im half way there already
flip flop drip ....... DROP
down and down
further and darker
theres music and its hugging me tightly
too tightly
i cough open my mouth to scream but theres nothing there
a crack
loud in my ear
warmth envelopes my head, it feels nice
im still waiting for your arms to embrace me as i land.
theres no landing
just darkness.
just silence.
just nothing.

Witness

Cold hands placed on my cold heart to hold the broken pieces together.

Head hung in shame to face my feet, the heaviness in place forever.

Lost in my own mind, searching for the hunger feeding of my soul.

Burrying my warmth in the back on my mind to keep me from whole.

A voice like honey melts in my ears, tempting and calling me out.

It wraps around my soul and tugs for realeas till i shout.

"NO! not anymore can i take this helplessness you surround me."

I couldnt stop myself when i thought of you and what i want to be.

"i hate this i hate this, with God as my witness"

Ill scream but i really mean take me away with your hands so warm around my heart.

New days

I wake up and smell the sweet scent of solitude. Lonliness encapsulating my emotions in one single gulp. I lift my heavy head full of thoughts, swimming about their usual speed of 100mph. And i realise i am in a classroom where i'm standing at the front, fully clothed waist down.
I've noted i'm alright with this, but what i'm not alright with, is the fact that i am alright with it. Yousee what i mean? No you dont. Of corse you dont. Because in my head there is only one thought that makes sense and that is the crazy woman shouting at the top of her lungs, wanting to break free of this curse of solitude.
Never.
Forever.

Break the mould??

The little white Egg sitting up in her tree, could see the world for miles, see all she would ever see. In a world like Egg's, your captivated, your trapped with the anchovies, unless you break free. You must crack the linning, break the mould and see for yourself if theres more to the world. If i was Egg, i'd know just what to do, i would call up my couliflower and Nit and Flea, to see if they wanted to come and join me. We would bring the sunshine and sea in a cup so that whereever we went, we knew we were home. From west coast to East coast the trek it is long, but the company we would share would be better than alone.

I am Egg. Or an Egg of sorts, we share the same interests and live the same life. So maybe i am Egg. Will i ever break my mould?

With my hand holding his

and his holding mine

we walk through the pannels

that each divid time

i'm looking at mirrors

where the walls are all black

and i see what i've done

dont want to look back

i shiver and see

im cold and alone

and the hand i was holding

ive noticed is gone

the cold comes a sweeping

my hair whips my face

i feel that im weeping

look down in disgrace

Egg he would call

looking up with glee

to see his brown eyes

searching for me

i'm lost in the void

where the walls are all black

but with the touch off his hand

i am brought back