What should life be like?

''Morning Dear, feeling any better today?''

I think i'm coming down with the Flu. And yes if you ask, i am feeling sorry for myself.

But you won't ask.

It seems that no matter what i do in this house, it will never really be a home. I have come back for the Christmas holidays to the house my parents live in and where i slept before University. But it has never really been a home, well not since i had a grab on reality. And my 'Parents' are merely the people that finance me. Investing in my future. So really i should be grateful. Shouldn't i?

I just assumed that with a family comes 'Love'.

i was wrong i guess.

My mother has had a sore back for a while now. She has been to the Doctors and has been taking pain killers. But when guests come some how her voice miraculously has a rusty-ness to it. As if she has a cold. Or flu. There's a 'kum cough hum' randomly in her demeanour. It's all fake. She just wants attention.

Every morning i ask her 'how is your back today? Feeling any better?' Sometimes she doesnt even reply, other times she doesn't even look at me. I'm not seeking for sympathy and don't you dare offer it. Bc i am used to it. This is my life and it has made me strive to have a better one.

I shouldn't hate my mother. I don't think i do. But i really do dislike her....ALOT.

My Father though. What is it like with him? He is THE BIGGEST BROWN NOSER/BUTT LICKER/TEACHERS PET i have ever known!

I was made to go to my Grandparents today. Even though i had just been sent to my room (for making my self a sandwhich and not my mother even though she saw me making one and didnt ask). Even though i am ill. And feeling sorry for myself.

List of symtoms;

                         Headache for over a week. Agonising pain.

                         Belly aches after every meal.

                         Snotty nose.

                         Throat ache.

                          Cough.

                         Ear ache.

But then again they would know this if they even bothered to ask how i am feeling.

So i am dragged to the GrandRents. Where my mother gives me an evil glare and tells me to stop sniffing and use a tissue. ''WELL I AM SORRY THAT I HAVE THE FLU! BUT YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE ANY BOGIES TO BLOW OUT! IT IS A BLOODY REFLEX!''

Instead however i said along the lines ''well i'm sorry! i can't!'' With a edgy tone to it, quite loudly. See they didn't take into account that i am ill. Apparently according to my Mother, if she is ill, I CAN'T BE. For she even called my Brothers Girlfriend this morning to see how she was feeling. Because she has a cold too. :|

Anyway ....so on the way home she bloody has a GO at me!! I was NOT happy. And then my Father decided to join in and be my Mothers hero, her knight in shinning armour....Against her own Daughter.

I know families have troubles, but should i feel like this? Should i really be compelled to detest my Parents?

The Dragon.

YOU'RE A FOOL. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. AND I DON'T LIKE YOU.

So, Mother. Here are a few reasons i don't like you..

- You're a Bully. You pick on Dad, you just won't leave him be. You're constantly having a go at him, be it about the way he eats o the way he dresses.

- You're a Bitch. You constantly bitch about Grandma and Grandad in front of Dad. You never show me any affection unless there are people to take note of it around us.

- You're a hypocrite. You say that i'm a slag/slapper/slut. However i do believe that I have been with Green, MY BOYFRIEND, for almost a year now. Who got married only 6 months of meeting a guy and then got herself pregnant? YOU. Most girls talk to their mothers. You don't even know that i've been on the injection for 6 months. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to you about that.

- You make my skin crawl. You say i constantly lie. Even when it is proven that i am right. Dad doesn't even stick up for me, even when he knows that i am right and you are wrong. And if he does. You then have a go at HIM!

- You're constantly there to make a show of everything. You 'Apparently' have a sore back. I would show more sympathy maybe if you showed a little sympathy towards me. You're making a show of picking something up. Maybe if you said thankyou once in a while or took note of anything i done instead of pointing out the things that you told me to do. I would help you. If i liked you. But i'm affraid that it's too late.

- You are always there to ruin a good day. You seem to always pop up when i am having a good day and ruin it. The day that Green said that he loved me. You found an excuse to have a massive argument and make me realise that i want to move out as soon as possible. Thats why i went to uni. You know that you made me go. I wanted to take a year out. You wouldn't let me. And even at uni, i have to lie. I can't tell you that i see Green every weekend because you will then guilt me. I get scared when my phone calls. Bc so many times it has been you, makibg sure i am where i said that i am. I never am.

You see, this is only a little list of why i don't like you. You will never read this. And i don't care. I just want to move away from you. Only come back when i have to. Or to see the family that i actually like.

GARGHHHHH. WHY AM I IN A MOOD?

It's christmas eve. And im twisted in this mood. I'm so close to crying. Even someone talking to me i get angry. And if someone asks me whats wrong once more im going to scream. I am so annoyed! I keep starting arguments. Even with the man i love Green! I have made him angry with me. And now i just want to cry again. Why am i being so moody? It's as if i am on girl time again. Riding the red wave. But i'm not. I'm just curling myself into this web of shakes and growls.
Nothing recently has been going well recently. I have been really disapointed in all my work. Nothing i do is creative at the moment. I have so many ideas that  i want to carry out but i just keep ruining everything.
It's as if i am a weed in the garden and as the snow keeps falling im drowning in this blanket of white christmas joy. The clouds are trapping the Sun from melting my anger. I just need to bury myself in the garden, let the soil cleanse my clogged up mind. My breath is ice. My thoughts are trash. My body is wilting. My dreams are crazy and wild and tall. .................. But now all i want is to start my mind again. Let is refresh. Let all my anger out. Bleed the annoyance. Be happy and smiling again. But then again its just bc i am away from GREEN.

That is the key to my lack of creativity. My lack of Green :( I am having major withdrawal symptoms. Im just so pissed. OFF! Am now my brother has just mentioned again that i havent seen him. I am just getting really pissed off right now.

Will the world just leave me alone?

Have i found the song i am looking for?

Who whispers the music softly in my ear. The sounds are so beautiful that i can see the colours painting in the air before my eyes. Breathing in the melody, i am satisfied to just be with the music, to feel its warmth in my palms and on my cheeks. I want it to continue, i want to hear it forever.

Yes i have. This music is the deep voice of an ANGEL. Singing he 'loves' me. Whispering that the tonight will last forever.
Green.

These posts recently have been the posts i have written but not been so satisfied with. But i want to post them. I want him to see how much i love him and for how long ;)

A poem: For Kawazingah

briiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiing. fwarp. chink chink. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup. la la la la la

lets hear for a change of record yeah?

Could i have been mistaken is this real?
How can i have loved before? But now
i am sure that the sky is blue i feel.
No romantic before me can know how.
When i lick my teeth and i taste his breath
when he touches my skin and i feel aflame
i crave the arrival of my Little Death.
With you inside me, kisses numb the pain.
Trails of extacy rows down our backs
blooming red roses awake on our necks
in a cloud of sheets we try to relax

Just a little melody

I wrote this song a while ago. I have no idea what it was about. Or who.

SONG

Things will be hard, and they may just get harder
as you let go of your balloons you tumble down

The rainbows gone and clouds remain
you cant see a thing but closing pain

you got a hand to hold
if your blue
you got a friend to see
what to do
you dont have to say a word
your silence can bring me to my knees
ill hold you in my arms

VISUALIZE. . . .

I wake up with the sun on my face, its shinning through the window and warming my cheek. I wiggle my fingers and i wiggle my toes but they graze something warm. Slowly i peel one eye open and then move on to the other, turning my head slightly to my right. There laying beside me, his brown disheveled hair lightly touching the pillow is Green. The sun is shinning on his face too as he smiles to the sun welcoming her morning rays. I close my eyes again and take note of what i can hear, near i hear Green's breathing, steady as a beating drum, outside i hear the birds cawing and circling, outside i hear the sea lapping the sand.

I wrote this a while ago. And i still fantasize throughout the days, of this. Im still with Green, he is A-MAZING. I am so happy. He makes me feel like the sun is always beaming on my face.

So my Grandad has passed away. Awhile ago now actually. It still gets to me sometimes and i don't know why. I just can't let it go. I mean i wasn't THAT close to him. Ok yeah i was. I don't want to think of it now, my eyes are stinging from holding the tears back.
Anyway, this was a camera left on his dining room table. An old crappy german film camera i do believe. And this is what my so called aunty gave as a gift to me. Who does she think she IS? I really wish she didn't do that. I don't want her to give me anything. Especially not of my grandfathers. And if i did want something of my grandfathers i'd like something that i saw him actually use. I don't even think it WAS his! If only a photograph of him. That i would appreciate more. Now i am stuck with this stupid camera, that just smells of an old person. And a little tabaco.
Tears are resting on my eyelids right now. I can't bear to let them fall.
I sent him a txt to his mobile phone the other night. I know that no one will read it. The sim is probably in the bin by now, but it still felt like i had a connection with him. A line of talking to him.
Talking to the stars helps sometimes. singing to them too, but seeing the words 'sending to Grandad mobile' is a little more personal.
I still remember the day that he died.
It was my best friends birthday.
I was meant to be going out with her and her friends.
I really didnt want to.
But i did anyway.
I remember sitting outside looking to the fields. Just feeling, not even knowing, but just feeling that he had already gone. My brother told me. He thought i had already been told. I didn't want to go to school that day either. I just wanted to jump off of the bus.
And here i am choking up like a baby. Why can i just not let go?

My heart is crying

IT FEELS LIKE MY HEART IS CRYING . . .

I may sound a lot like Shakespeare or Blake but i don't care. You don't have to read this.

When the snow is falling and it looks like a Dream
When you want to go out and play in the Cold
But when you are parted from the other part of your soul
The Cold creeps in and cripples your laughter.
At this time of Spirit, the sparkle and happiness
A time for family and friends, LOVE and warmth
A separation of my LOVE is a separation of my Breath
I wish for one gift, the gift of my Green, my soul mate.
Wrapping me in tinsel, stick a bow on my head
pour eggnog down my throat make me play family games
This Christmas i am sad and theres no time for joy
I long for my heart to reunite with it's best half.
Right now for it's loneliness, my Heart is crying
But if you see me with a smile before then, you'll know its lieing.

lets try this again!

TIME FOR ANOTHER CRACK AT THIS ESSAY . . .

So here i am, yet again, on the sofa with my laptop resting neatly on my knee. Word is open with the Doc. Essay open and limply looking bare. Only 100 or so words. How unimpressibly boring! I am meant to write about how our blooming society has led to the rise in leisure activities. And right now all i can think about is the snow outside. How much i wish i could ski/snowboard my way over to see Greeen.  ): haha

Essay. You're going down. I am goign to write at least 300 words tonight. And you Mr Essay are really getting on my nerves. I must, oh i really must get on with writing you, but im finding it really heartbreaking whilst re reading you and you just don't cut the mustard!!! ):

300 words along and i'm feeling a little better. Still, though, am trying to find some distractions. Facebook, boyfriend, ... :) only 300 more really to do tonight and i will be back on target!

I;m affraid ive given up on 316 :| oh dear oh dear!!!

Essay writing . . .

FAILING AT WRITING MY ESSAY . . .

So i'm sitting on my couch, with my laptop perfectly resting on my lap. Word, facebook, blogger and wikipeidia are the windows open and word is unfortunatly the least used.
I have devised a clever plan to write so many words on which ever day it is. My target for today was 400 words. I currently have 117 and this is after a good few hours. Im exhausted. And so tempted to give up. BUT I WONT! i will not give in to the little girl in red on my shoulder pursuading me to flip on Love Actually and lie in bed talking to Green. I must, i must do my 400 words!
But here i am, procrastinating, writing a blog to amuse myself. I don't kid myself that many people will read this. Or any at all for that matter. But i like writing and i wont stop.
My dad is currently scooping Flake ice-cream into a bowl and i have a feeling that once i put my laptop down to eat, that i wont pick it up again!
So i ate the flake. The ice-cream was awful. ):
Anyway back to the dreaded Essay!
Wish me luck fellow bloggers!!

I AM A LOVE WARRIOR...

I am a love warrior from the past, present and future . . .

I, Jah-love-Blonde-Indian-Straps, am in severe love with a man named David Green. Never have i felt so strongly. He makes life lonely when his arms aren't around me. I feel strong and confident, like i can do anything. I don't feel like rushing the time away, even though i'm mega super excited for our future. I thought that through coming home, i would feel less lonely but i have realised that its not THIS home that i am missing. It's the home that i find in his kisses.
He has the power in his words to break me, take me and raise me into the heavens. I think back to the times when we were just starting out and i smile. How could we be so cute? We were adorable.
And when we have the confidence to talk about our future together i know that the Future is REAL. It's there. It's in his words. In our hands. In our breath.

I have nightmares at night about him though. And whilst writing this, i realise why. Why do i suffer from these horrible night dreams when we are so secure, so in love, so loving? It's because i am so scared of loosing him. I know that he loves me as much as i love him and that's a right damn lot i'll tell you that! I am just so fearful of loosing him in my life that i have night mares!

snow Snow SNOW!!!!!!

What i love about this time of year is when it snows in perfect time for Christmas!!!! 

Snow falling down in sheets! It's like a blizzerd out there!

However it stopped me from seeing Green ): BOO!!!!!

This is a picture of the path back up in Farnham. (where i currently go to uni).

That was the last time it snowed. However in Luton, back home it is FAR FAR worse!!!!

The whole country is in stand still!!!!

Cars abandoned! Roads not Gritted!!

And a Straps missing her Green ):

This is a Cat. A cat up in Farnham. It is the fluffiest cat i have ever met. Friendly too! I stroked it and he loves me (:

However there is another cat in my life. The one that has turned me into a cat person! BUD. BUDLEY. MR BUD. (: Greens' cat is the sweetest funniest cat EVER!! I love when he jiust sits on my lap (bud this is haha) whilst we watch Green playing his xbox (:

Since when did i like cats though??? How could he change me?! How can this little black cat make me excited about getting a cat of my own with Green when we move in together (: