What should life be like?

''Morning Dear, feeling any better today?''

I think i'm coming down with the Flu. And yes if you ask, i am feeling sorry for myself.

But you won't ask.

It seems that no matter what i do in this house, it will never really be a home. I have come back for the Christmas holidays to the house my parents live in and where i slept before University. But it has never really been a home, well not since i had a grab on reality. And my 'Parents' are merely the people that finance me. Investing in my future. So really i should be grateful. Shouldn't i?

I just assumed that with a family comes 'Love'.

i was wrong i guess.

My mother has had a sore back for a while now. She has been to the Doctors and has been taking pain killers. But when guests come some how her voice miraculously has a rusty-ness to it. As if she has a cold. Or flu. There's a 'kum cough hum' randomly in her demeanour. It's all fake. She just wants attention.

Every morning i ask her 'how is your back today? Feeling any better?' Sometimes she doesnt even reply, other times she doesn't even look at me. I'm not seeking for sympathy and don't you dare offer it. Bc i am used to it. This is my life and it has made me strive to have a better one.

I shouldn't hate my mother. I don't think i do. But i really do dislike her....ALOT.

My Father though. What is it like with him? He is THE BIGGEST BROWN NOSER/BUTT LICKER/TEACHERS PET i have ever known!

I was made to go to my Grandparents today. Even though i had just been sent to my room (for making my self a sandwhich and not my mother even though she saw me making one and didnt ask). Even though i am ill. And feeling sorry for myself.

List of symtoms;

                         Headache for over a week. Agonising pain.

                         Belly aches after every meal.

                         Snotty nose.

                         Throat ache.

                          Cough.

                         Ear ache.

But then again they would know this if they even bothered to ask how i am feeling.

So i am dragged to the GrandRents. Where my mother gives me an evil glare and tells me to stop sniffing and use a tissue. ''WELL I AM SORRY THAT I HAVE THE FLU! BUT YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE ANY BOGIES TO BLOW OUT! IT IS A BLOODY REFLEX!''

Instead however i said along the lines ''well i'm sorry! i can't!'' With a edgy tone to it, quite loudly. See they didn't take into account that i am ill. Apparently according to my Mother, if she is ill, I CAN'T BE. For she even called my Brothers Girlfriend this morning to see how she was feeling. Because she has a cold too. :|

Anyway ....so on the way home she bloody has a GO at me!! I was NOT happy. And then my Father decided to join in and be my Mothers hero, her knight in shinning armour....Against her own Daughter.

I know families have troubles, but should i feel like this? Should i really be compelled to detest my Parents?

The Dragon.

YOU'RE A FOOL. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. AND I DON'T LIKE YOU.

So, Mother. Here are a few reasons i don't like you..

- You're a Bully. You pick on Dad, you just won't leave him be. You're constantly having a go at him, be it about the way he eats o the way he dresses.

- You're a Bitch. You constantly bitch about Grandma and Grandad in front of Dad. You never show me any affection unless there are people to take note of it around us.

- You're a hypocrite. You say that i'm a slag/slapper/slut. However i do believe that I have been with Green, MY BOYFRIEND, for almost a year now. Who got married only 6 months of meeting a guy and then got herself pregnant? YOU. Most girls talk to their mothers. You don't even know that i've been on the injection for 6 months. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to you about that.

- You make my skin crawl. You say i constantly lie. Even when it is proven that i am right. Dad doesn't even stick up for me, even when he knows that i am right and you are wrong. And if he does. You then have a go at HIM!

- You're constantly there to make a show of everything. You 'Apparently' have a sore back. I would show more sympathy maybe if you showed a little sympathy towards me. You're making a show of picking something up. Maybe if you said thankyou once in a while or took note of anything i done instead of pointing out the things that you told me to do. I would help you. If i liked you. But i'm affraid that it's too late.

- You are always there to ruin a good day. You seem to always pop up when i am having a good day and ruin it. The day that Green said that he loved me. You found an excuse to have a massive argument and make me realise that i want to move out as soon as possible. Thats why i went to uni. You know that you made me go. I wanted to take a year out. You wouldn't let me. And even at uni, i have to lie. I can't tell you that i see Green every weekend because you will then guilt me. I get scared when my phone calls. Bc so many times it has been you, makibg sure i am where i said that i am. I never am.

You see, this is only a little list of why i don't like you. You will never read this. And i don't care. I just want to move away from you. Only come back when i have to. Or to see the family that i actually like.

GARGHHHHH. WHY AM I IN A MOOD?

It's christmas eve. And im twisted in this mood. I'm so close to crying. Even someone talking to me i get angry. And if someone asks me whats wrong once more im going to scream. I am so annoyed! I keep starting arguments. Even with the man i love Green! I have made him angry with me. And now i just want to cry again. Why am i being so moody? It's as if i am on girl time again. Riding the red wave. But i'm not. I'm just curling myself into this web of shakes and growls.
Nothing recently has been going well recently. I have been really disapointed in all my work. Nothing i do is creative at the moment. I have so many ideas that  i want to carry out but i just keep ruining everything.
It's as if i am a weed in the garden and as the snow keeps falling im drowning in this blanket of white christmas joy. The clouds are trapping the Sun from melting my anger. I just need to bury myself in the garden, let the soil cleanse my clogged up mind. My breath is ice. My thoughts are trash. My body is wilting. My dreams are crazy and wild and tall. .................. But now all i want is to start my mind again. Let is refresh. Let all my anger out. Bleed the annoyance. Be happy and smiling again. But then again its just bc i am away from GREEN.

That is the key to my lack of creativity. My lack of Green :( I am having major withdrawal symptoms. Im just so pissed. OFF! Am now my brother has just mentioned again that i havent seen him. I am just getting really pissed off right now.

Will the world just leave me alone?

Have i found the song i am looking for?

Who whispers the music softly in my ear. The sounds are so beautiful that i can see the colours painting in the air before my eyes. Breathing in the melody, i am satisfied to just be with the music, to feel its warmth in my palms and on my cheeks. I want it to continue, i want to hear it forever.

Yes i have. This music is the deep voice of an ANGEL. Singing he 'loves' me. Whispering that the tonight will last forever.
Green.

These posts recently have been the posts i have written but not been so satisfied with. But i want to post them. I want him to see how much i love him and for how long ;)

A poem: For Kawazingah

briiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiii-iiiing. fwarp. chink chink. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup. la la la la la

lets hear for a change of record yeah?

Could i have been mistaken is this real?
How can i have loved before? But now
i am sure that the sky is blue i feel.
No romantic before me can know how.
When i lick my teeth and i taste his breath
when he touches my skin and i feel aflame
i crave the arrival of my Little Death.
With you inside me, kisses numb the pain.
Trails of extacy rows down our backs
blooming red roses awake on our necks
in a cloud of sheets we try to relax

Just a little melody

I wrote this song a while ago. I have no idea what it was about. Or who.

SONG

Things will be hard, and they may just get harder
as you let go of your balloons you tumble down

The rainbows gone and clouds remain
you cant see a thing but closing pain

you got a hand to hold
if your blue
you got a friend to see
what to do
you dont have to say a word
your silence can bring me to my knees
ill hold you in my arms

VISUALIZE. . . .

I wake up with the sun on my face, its shinning through the window and warming my cheek. I wiggle my fingers and i wiggle my toes but they graze something warm. Slowly i peel one eye open and then move on to the other, turning my head slightly to my right. There laying beside me, his brown disheveled hair lightly touching the pillow is Green. The sun is shinning on his face too as he smiles to the sun welcoming her morning rays. I close my eyes again and take note of what i can hear, near i hear Green's breathing, steady as a beating drum, outside i hear the birds cawing and circling, outside i hear the sea lapping the sand.

I wrote this a while ago. And i still fantasize throughout the days, of this. Im still with Green, he is A-MAZING. I am so happy. He makes me feel like the sun is always beaming on my face.

So my Grandad has passed away. Awhile ago now actually. It still gets to me sometimes and i don't know why. I just can't let it go. I mean i wasn't THAT close to him. Ok yeah i was. I don't want to think of it now, my eyes are stinging from holding the tears back.
Anyway, this was a camera left on his dining room table. An old crappy german film camera i do believe. And this is what my so called aunty gave as a gift to me. Who does she think she IS? I really wish she didn't do that. I don't want her to give me anything. Especially not of my grandfathers. And if i did want something of my grandfathers i'd like something that i saw him actually use. I don't even think it WAS his! If only a photograph of him. That i would appreciate more. Now i am stuck with this stupid camera, that just smells of an old person. And a little tabaco.
Tears are resting on my eyelids right now. I can't bear to let them fall.
I sent him a txt to his mobile phone the other night. I know that no one will read it. The sim is probably in the bin by now, but it still felt like i had a connection with him. A line of talking to him.
Talking to the stars helps sometimes. singing to them too, but seeing the words 'sending to Grandad mobile' is a little more personal.
I still remember the day that he died.
It was my best friends birthday.
I was meant to be going out with her and her friends.
I really didnt want to.
But i did anyway.
I remember sitting outside looking to the fields. Just feeling, not even knowing, but just feeling that he had already gone. My brother told me. He thought i had already been told. I didn't want to go to school that day either. I just wanted to jump off of the bus.
And here i am choking up like a baby. Why can i just not let go?

My heart is crying

IT FEELS LIKE MY HEART IS CRYING . . .

I may sound a lot like Shakespeare or Blake but i don't care. You don't have to read this.

When the snow is falling and it looks like a Dream
When you want to go out and play in the Cold
But when you are parted from the other part of your soul
The Cold creeps in and cripples your laughter.
At this time of Spirit, the sparkle and happiness
A time for family and friends, LOVE and warmth
A separation of my LOVE is a separation of my Breath
I wish for one gift, the gift of my Green, my soul mate.
Wrapping me in tinsel, stick a bow on my head
pour eggnog down my throat make me play family games
This Christmas i am sad and theres no time for joy
I long for my heart to reunite with it's best half.
Right now for it's loneliness, my Heart is crying
But if you see me with a smile before then, you'll know its lieing.

lets try this again!

TIME FOR ANOTHER CRACK AT THIS ESSAY . . .

So here i am, yet again, on the sofa with my laptop resting neatly on my knee. Word is open with the Doc. Essay open and limply looking bare. Only 100 or so words. How unimpressibly boring! I am meant to write about how our blooming society has led to the rise in leisure activities. And right now all i can think about is the snow outside. How much i wish i could ski/snowboard my way over to see Greeen.  ): haha

Essay. You're going down. I am goign to write at least 300 words tonight. And you Mr Essay are really getting on my nerves. I must, oh i really must get on with writing you, but im finding it really heartbreaking whilst re reading you and you just don't cut the mustard!!! ):

300 words along and i'm feeling a little better. Still, though, am trying to find some distractions. Facebook, boyfriend, ... :) only 300 more really to do tonight and i will be back on target!

I;m affraid ive given up on 316 :| oh dear oh dear!!!

Essay writing . . .

FAILING AT WRITING MY ESSAY . . .

So i'm sitting on my couch, with my laptop perfectly resting on my lap. Word, facebook, blogger and wikipeidia are the windows open and word is unfortunatly the least used.
I have devised a clever plan to write so many words on which ever day it is. My target for today was 400 words. I currently have 117 and this is after a good few hours. Im exhausted. And so tempted to give up. BUT I WONT! i will not give in to the little girl in red on my shoulder pursuading me to flip on Love Actually and lie in bed talking to Green. I must, i must do my 400 words!
But here i am, procrastinating, writing a blog to amuse myself. I don't kid myself that many people will read this. Or any at all for that matter. But i like writing and i wont stop.
My dad is currently scooping Flake ice-cream into a bowl and i have a feeling that once i put my laptop down to eat, that i wont pick it up again!
So i ate the flake. The ice-cream was awful. ):
Anyway back to the dreaded Essay!
Wish me luck fellow bloggers!!

I AM A LOVE WARRIOR...

I am a love warrior from the past, present and future . . .

I, Jah-love-Blonde-Indian-Straps, am in severe love with a man named David Green. Never have i felt so strongly. He makes life lonely when his arms aren't around me. I feel strong and confident, like i can do anything. I don't feel like rushing the time away, even though i'm mega super excited for our future. I thought that through coming home, i would feel less lonely but i have realised that its not THIS home that i am missing. It's the home that i find in his kisses.
He has the power in his words to break me, take me and raise me into the heavens. I think back to the times when we were just starting out and i smile. How could we be so cute? We were adorable.
And when we have the confidence to talk about our future together i know that the Future is REAL. It's there. It's in his words. In our hands. In our breath.

I have nightmares at night about him though. And whilst writing this, i realise why. Why do i suffer from these horrible night dreams when we are so secure, so in love, so loving? It's because i am so scared of loosing him. I know that he loves me as much as i love him and that's a right damn lot i'll tell you that! I am just so fearful of loosing him in my life that i have night mares!

snow Snow SNOW!!!!!!

What i love about this time of year is when it snows in perfect time for Christmas!!!! 

Snow falling down in sheets! It's like a blizzerd out there!

However it stopped me from seeing Green ): BOO!!!!!

This is a picture of the path back up in Farnham. (where i currently go to uni).

That was the last time it snowed. However in Luton, back home it is FAR FAR worse!!!!

The whole country is in stand still!!!!

Cars abandoned! Roads not Gritted!!

And a Straps missing her Green ):

This is a Cat. A cat up in Farnham. It is the fluffiest cat i have ever met. Friendly too! I stroked it and he loves me (:

However there is another cat in my life. The one that has turned me into a cat person! BUD. BUDLEY. MR BUD. (: Greens' cat is the sweetest funniest cat EVER!! I love when he jiust sits on my lap (bud this is haha) whilst we watch Green playing his xbox (:

Since when did i like cats though??? How could he change me?! How can this little black cat make me excited about getting a cat of my own with Green when we move in together (:

a lone wanderer

Feeling lonely, dont know what to do
im just sat here, thinking of you.
no friends, no hugs just pictures to hold
whilst im sat in my room shivering cold.
my throat is closing i just want my friends
but they've all moved on they're now dead ends
my eyelashes are salty my cheeks are now wet
what ive tried to begin, now i jsut want to forget.
A degree a degree, o is it for me?
im doubting this move and im doubting me.
there's a pain in my chest, revealing that
im on my own even in my flat.
Who will hear my silent pleas
that i whisper to the wind
only he who listens,sees
and they're all deaf.
I dont want to be here not now, not alone
im even thinking of returning to home.

click to read

When

WHEN . . . .

When we talk,
When we laugh,
When we kiss,
When we walk,
When we joke,
When we dance,
When we lay,
When we sing,
When we hug,
When we hold hands,
When we run,
When we touch ............

.......I feel so wide eyed when i am with you. Your like the world, something new and interesting everytime i see and speak to you. I find a little bit more of paradice when i look at you.

EVEN THE STRONGEST HAVE TEARS . . . .
Sometimes i really hate being a girl, I'm sitting here crying over something stupid as hell! I don't want to be sad and i can't help it. I am mad that i have become so attached to him. How could i have let myself do this? Because now i knwo that when we break up i'm going to be so much worse than before. I don;t want to go back there. I don't. It hurts to remember the shadow i had become. And here i am crying because my hormones are bouncing all over the place. The truth? I want to see him. And i can't. We had plans for 2 nights together and to spend sunday together. But now they have all fallen through and i won't get to see him for another week ): I hate being a girl .....

A BEAUTIFUL . . . .

A BEAUTIFUL LIFE . . . .
I am a bird with a mended wing
look at me fly, listen to me sing.
I am a blade of fresh green grass
waving in the breeze of summers last.

Riding on the wind, swimming in the sun

dancing in the rain and in the snow have fun.

Living in the sea, Laughing in the sand

With a guitar make a summer break band.

Linking our fingers, combining our souls

connecting our eyes as my heart becomes whole.

Sinking in love, let it cover me in flowers

I could live in your arms forever could be ours.

A BEAUTIFUL LOVE . . . .

Humming-birds beat for my heart inside

when i see your name or i hear your voice

Every time you smile and if its for me

I quiver and shake, i smile i've no choice

You gave me your heart, in mine i will guard

I give you my dreams for now i dont need

them, you are the one that i longed came true

a fire so white 'cos red is for lust

the flames that dance could dance on the sea

because together we are much stronger

no red could suffice when you are with me

you are tall and you guard, you are my Tree

for you im not longer affraid to be me.

LOVE

LOVE . . .
When you look at me i feel like everything else is a blur
-like everything else is a distraction because your my attraction.
When you smile the world fails to be as beautiful or perfect
-even if it's not at me but when it is i'm free.
When you laugh the humming-bird caged in my chest takes flight
-it soars and multiplies all around my body when it flies.
When you touch me i feel like i am falling
-there is no adrenalin rush quite as complex, don't even wonder what happens next.

But when you tell me that you love me,
-it feels like a thousand fireflies race to my skin and set my soul alight,
-because nothing could compare to that night.
But when you tell me that you love me,
-it feels like i've died and im in that state of complete peace
-where all my worries compel to cease.
But when you tell me that you love me,
-i am whole.
GREEN . . . .
Dearest Green,

I was lying in the DESERT, waiting for death. I had no hope, i had nothing. But you drove me to safty and i am in my own OASIS when you take me in your arms. I am no longer empty, you fill me with happiness that no other drug could intoxicate me with. You saved me from a life of walking where with you i can fly. I am not bound, i am free, i am not lost but am searching, searching for new ways to make you smile. You smile. Nothing in this world can compare to your smile. It's like my very own happiness trapped in your lips because with that twitch of your lips any sadness vanishes in a puff of smoke and i can't think of anything but of how lucky i am that you, fell out of the sky, buzz-ed your little sexy toosh into a hibiscus and believed in me.

LOVE Casper xoxo

Brits...

THE SUICIDE BLONDE . . . .
Red lips. Sun dyed beach blonde hair. Coral romance chipped nails. Ripped jeans. Tinkerbell fat socks. Jock top and ratty converse sneakers. Hhaaah! who am i kidding? I'm English and proud Shit faces! It's trainers! Not sneakers mofo's!!!!
THE ENGLISH . . . .
Those darn Americano's have such na comercial view on us Brits! We don't drink tea time! [Well quite alot i admit. Nothihng like a cuppah to calm the shaky nerves, or to comfort or just to relax with (: ]
We don't all talk like the Swan lovin' Queen 'i do believe that it is true. But i wish it wasn't so! One must call that a joke.' or like the east LANDAN boy boys. 'Innit brav? Nah mate nah!!!! You avin' a bubble?'
BBQ WEATHER, WHETHER THERE'S SUN OR NOT . . . .
Nothing can stop our little British hearts from having a BBQ, we are teflon strong and a little rain won't stop us. Not at all (: Who says you can't have a little fun without the sun? 'I'M GONNA LEAVE THE DAY BEHIND, I'M GONNA HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME'
I MISS MY LATINA BEST FRIEND . . . .
It's been real good seeing my little love peanut! i haven't seen her in so long it feels! Love peanut and i have been together basically 24/7 at school because we were in the same classes and we just shared soooo many laughs. Uni wont be the same without love peanut :\

Erotic but hate leaked all over me

Once again the heart-less Dragon's mood swing attacks . . . .


Green came over yesterday. It was soo erotic, he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me roughly on the lips. I love those moments when we see each other again. This weekend we spent two nights together. Two blissful nights of good-night kisses and two glorious mornings of good-morning pecks. It feels like a dream. I just want to wake up to his heartbeat every morning.
So Green told me he loved me yesterday. I felt like i was air light sitting tight on a paper airplane soaring through floating pink love-hearts that popped as i glided though them. As a teenage love sick crack head i am destined to exaggerate so yeah....
A million red balloons released into the sky with I Heart Question Mark on them. I have never felt so content just walking. We could have been walking to the noose and i would have still have felt that humming-bird fluttering in my chest as he held my chest, looked into my eyes and swore that he loved me. Again again again say it again. I can never tire of this!

But the world has to come crashing down at some point. Right? . . . .

We returned to reality. Screams behind closed doors. But the sounds they leak, from the windows and doors, every gap it can find it will escape into the nights sky floating in the black back-drop of life. And it reached me. I had to leave Green and my life of happiness to save my Dad the Coward from the Dragon. Boy was she angry. I was this close to leaving last night. If only Green had not talked me out of it i would still be just sitting on my bench under the stars trying to escape this life of hate. Because i do. She gave me life but she has taken it away too.

want want want want want

Want want want want want; . . . .

I have decided that i want to marry a guy with the last name Garcia. It just sums up the stereotypical spanish male, walking topless around the villa with droplets of water clinging to his pitch black hair from the swim in our pool. Boy oh boy! Steamy dreamy chunk of hunk purh-lease! But its all want want want want want.

i want him to kiss me on the forehead, right between the eyes when i am worried.

i want him to take candid pictures of me.

i want him to love the sea and sun as much as i do.

i want him to have arms that i can cling on to and feel safe when i am in them.

i want him to smell good.

i want him to be musical and want a house full of instruments.

i want him to love the world.

i want him to want to travel.

i want him to laugh at me when i am being stupid and sometimes join in to make fun.

i want i want i want i want i want. . . . .

oh wait......

A Million Miles From Me . . . .

Even though he isn't far, 20 minuites away seems like an eternity when i see couples that live around the corner. I wish i could just hop on my bike and turn up at his unanounced and randomly chill on his bed listening to music.

Dream World Of The Future. . . .

I wonder how long we will last. If we will last. At the moment we are all cup-cakes and fairy dust dotes in the sun, but is it real? Are we real enough to last? Or are we enough of a scatter-brain pair that time won't matter and we will buzz our way through life? Because i know i want to travel. To all these foreign lands, with different food and different dress and different languages, and i know he wants to too. How can we be so alike but so different at the same time? It seems perfect. He has ticked everything on my want list [ minus the 'Garcia' clause :\ ] and he seems like a dream world. My dream world.

Examens

Vamos hablar en español hoy. . . .

y porque? Por que tengo mi examen en español este Viernes, no estoy listo. Sí hablas en este lengua, me gustería mucho sí me hagas un 'comment' en español (: Gracias amigos!

Tengo miedo. No creo que voy a pasar mis examens y matricular en el universidad. No quiero voy, vale, pues, si yo puedo, pero solo a escaparse la casa de mis padres. Y ahora que tengo un novio, que pienso que estoy enamorado con él, la decisión para ir es más difícil. Bah! Las traumas de siendo un chica! Oy! Que voy hacer? Que puedo hacer?

Translation: Plus a walk and talk extrordianair!

Here for those who don't quite know who i am talking about, a Translation:

the Dragon - My over-bearing mother, whom i do not get along with at all. She seems to have taken the roll of making my life completly miserable. Lucky me :

Suicide Blonde - My alter-ego. The depressive me that surfaces once in a while and makes me seem like a complete wack-job on here, with my 'slit my wrists' blogs.

Green - Also goes by the name of Petey, Bucko, Bruce, and many more. Just another name for Him. The Beau. My perfectly pouncable piece slash chunk of slam dunkin' hunk. My BoyFriend.

An ordinary day in the life of a Tea-Bag:

So, im just sitting there with my chums, right. And we can't see a damn thing 'cos you know we got that lid to keep us fresh and then i see............

The light.

This pink flesh-y thing comes right at us, these long podgy tentacals reach in to our bangin' pad and grabs me and Steve by the leaves and edges. The cheek! so, im thinking right lets see what actually happened to Sally. The prospects wern't good. You see there was this jacuzi. Oh man you should-ah seen it, but then again maybe you shouldn't. Steaming it was! Then i hear Steves Leaves rustle and he's wriggled free somehow, and im flying solo.

Into this jacuzi, which wasn't a jacuzi at all! The bloody fiends! They only went and made it look like a Butlins holiday camp for us! Boiling hot it was! Not only that.. but.....they...oh i can't bear to repeat it. It was just too horrifying.....

The got this shiny thing and drowned me in the hot water then got me right up against the wall they did! All up in ma grill! Then picked me up and droped me in the pile of all the other things they just used.

Thats how i feel.

USED

I don't know where i am. But boy, it's lonely on this heap. Help? Anyone?

The test of my HEART

I don't want him to get freaked out. That is why i vent all my girlie anguish and desire upon my blog. We are so new that i dont want to fuck things up. He whom i shall call Green, i believe has been sent down on a space-ship, buzz-ed his little toosh on down to earth and fell into a hibiscus plant. From there he sung a sweet song that lured me to this flower and its sweet aroma. As this flower opens i see more off him and piece by piece he flutters into my heart. He has battled with the Dragon, and the brain-teaser too and yesterday he passed the endurance test of the beep, so now he resides to conquer the lock on my heart.

We haven't actually united our bodies, i have chosen him to be the one to land Martian probe on planet Venus. I am scared that once we do touch each others souls, that we will either like magnets attract or repel. Both of which will break my heart. I am so ready for him to land on planet Venus that i can reach out and touch the balloon between us and i want to physically throw it away, pop it. See this is why i feel i can't tell him this. Because i am so weird. He puts up with my weird-ness but i wonder how much he can take. Especially when it's on this topic.

Now for topic mum thunder. . . .

I want to crawl into Green's arms and hibernate until she is dormant once more. The eruptions that continuously spew onto me are horrendous these days. I will never be good enough for her because i am too alike her. As much as it pains me to say these dreaded words. But i am different in so many ways we are almost adopted.

Back to the splinter in my paw. . . .

Love. I don't want to be in this situation, i did, but now i wish all i got was fun because, at the moment there is a distance between us but soon, there will be a light-years of roads between us. And we are so new that i don't quite know yet if Donne's theory of the compass will apply to us. Will the united nations of our souls carry our love for us? Will he want it too? Or will i? I know i know this is so teenage drama but none-the-less it is what is pacing through my sex-driven mind. That too! How will i cope without the growl of his kisses on either side of my lips. Or the electricity of his finger-tips?

I don't want this wave to end, and i don't want to fall of my board but as the midday sun rises i can see that my wings will burn and my grip will loosen. I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to hold him back either. However much it would pain me his smile is worth a hundred suns more.

Get a grip Woman!

.......and so the Summer begins. Here i am, bikini in hand and him in the other. The sun in on the end of a string and im taking it where ever i go. I want this to last. I want this to be the best.

No what if's. No regrets. No should-ah's, would-ah's or could-ah's. This is my time.

A wonderland of stupid thoughts.

Blue nails, squished snails, life is completely and utterly.......

NORMAL.

My wind is a whirl-pool of insanity, whizz-ing words of no importance dart their way to the back of my throat

Being the girl with a million thoughts of a multi-story car park full of colour i am

DRAWN to the man who see's in black and white. Why this is insane!

Who am i kidding? In my world it is only the completely insane that get by. So therefor why shouldn't the wonders of my heart be any different?

I shall call him ............................................

..............

........

..

Petey.

As long as i am completelyinsane i shall admit to my being drawn to his warmth, his touch that burns me is like a drug. I crave him because his kisses touch my soul. His eyes actually look and i can no longer hide.

Im spellbound when i feel his presence.

cigarette kisses

invite it in, breath in deep
you got time to think if your being a tool
you give kisses
cigarette kisses

little traces of, cling to your skin
i breath in your smoke as it trails within
me im smoking through
your cigarette kisses

deadly and poison you lift me with danger
i smile at your misty eyes
you breath out smoke and come close again
with your cigarette kisses

A poem : For the Dragon

And when i say i love you, i can't help but know i lie
beneath this faded relationship, you make me want to die.
The natural need and love i felt has fled me i'm detached
my dreams released and let to fly the lock has been unlatched.
I know i shouldnt feel this way, this hate should not be real
but i cant help answer my heart and live to what i feel.
i clench my teeth and draw my sword its like a constant war
my mother you are helpless ive tried many times before.
i tried to become friends and i tried to converse
but the situation grew and our distance got worse.
we go through stages where we pretend to be friends
but the play only lasts on your mood which depends
the time of the month and the time of the year
i cant wait till i leave, escape this life i have no fear.

almost dreamlike when i fell your tribal drum next to my hummingbird flutter.

Here i am,

in an origami house of paper, dreading the rain but longing for the freshness of the downpour. littering the floor are my tissue roses, the house is getting too crowded for me because im growing rapidly. I can see the pink sky outside marking the evening. The fairy light stars blink at me in a lethargic manner as if enticing me to sleep, but i can't.

There is a balloon in my stomach that feels that its expanding by the moment.

Theres a hummingbird in my chest thats drumming against my rib cage and silence in my head.

No little girl screaming, no little girl dying, just silence, making room for the Indian drum pattern made by the birds in my heart. My feet are green, a fresh garden green with little red flowers weaving up around my ankles, when i walk there is a swoosh. My legs are bare and my pelvis also. Hanging around my neck in a relaxed manner is necklace of flowers, meeting with my hair and reaching my crown with a halo of daisies. My blonde hair cascades in loose waves making my body the perfect house for a family of fairies to live. Dancing in the wallow of the moon under the fuchsia marshmellow sky's natural light bulbs. Leaping into the air with a weightless bounce i fall into the light brown arms of a man who has changed me. For the better i am now walking with open eyes, now they are open i see him and who i am when i am with him not only has evolved but who i am because of him. I am but the same, but i can now see the attributes. And when we are as close as lipstick, when our breath is one, and

i want you beside me

i feel the tribal bass next to my hummingbird's flutter, i see this fuchsia sky and remember who i am. Who i want to be. Who i can be.

Progress?....

HAPPINESS .... is creeping into my bloodstream.

A new sun has walked into my life.....

-warmer to my touch

-bright to keep the shadows at bay

-makes me smile when its dark and gloomy

-tigglish

-tall and broard like a tree to protect me when i let it

My SUN.

Smile like you mean..

Suicide blonde haunts me as my eyes burn red with anger.

Why can't i be happy?

Why can't i live under a permanent sun, where i don't have 2 horsemen on my back pushing me forward in the direction they want.

Im living in a personal hell where everything i see is in colour and i can admire things in their beauty, but all i can feel and touch is black and white, cold and solid.

The warmth that cascades down my cheeks reminds me of what i strive not to be.

In my head there are pictures of laughter and colour and rainbows and turets.

In my heart there is nothing, the puncture wound cupid shot has let leak all the substance within me.

Now all i am is a shell.

I am so desperatly trying to be that girl, the one who matches my personality but all i seem to do is get further and further away.

Im lost in my selfish self sinking in my own venom.

Tuesdays mood.

The teacup in which i am sitting is painted in the most amazing colours, bright stars, castles and turets, turtles and tropical fish, dancing among the swirls of pinks and blues. But i sit in the dregs of tuesday's coffee, in black and white. My skin is pale and the slashes are visable to the naked eye, im so white that you can see through to my heart like an x-ray. Shivering in the cold coffee i call out for the girl about to finnish her drink to stop, to save me..thrashing about, treading water, i can see that its not going to end very well.

..here goes today...and yesterday..and tomorow..

How to describe my mind:

Castles and fairies, books and tree-spirits, turrets, scrapbooks, sunshine and waves. A collision of crayola crayons exploding in the sky. Music, colour and words feed my dreams and litter each corner of my scatter brain. But each room holds a sinister shadow, a superhero secret haunting and poisoning each thought with pessimism and doubt. But every soul that enters my life i treasure because they leave a warmth and light that their personal sunshines come with. They chase away the night terrors that seep into the walls of my Pandora's box of a brain.

Once upon a time, a boy asked me to describe my mind. This was my reply. He told me that i should post it on here, and so here it is. But my mind is not what is currently buzzing through my thoughts currently. A boy. A boy? A boy! A boy. A man. How did i let this happen? Have i actually let it happen? I guess i already have. Let the turmoil commence. Pessimism is gurgling in my blood but it seems as if the sun is melting the worries away and submitting the doubts to a mere murmer on my shoulder.

Who? What? Where? When?

I have no bloody idea. He seems to have popped up and out of my dreams, he appears too perfect for my liking, hence the underlying absence of optimistic, naive jargon of a love-drunk teen.

I will risk it.

Bob Marley said once that ''Everyone is bound to hurt you, you've just got to find the ones worth suffering for'' [or something like that]

And so i lead a life of search, ill ride the waves, ill tumble and stumble my way through heartache until i find the ending and wish God that i regret nothing. For who wants to live a life of ''what if's'' ........

Anger tears presenting my fears

I dont want to let these tears fall. Even though they are clogging up my vision, i refuse to let them gulp down my cheeks. I cry in anger. She has made me this way. And as my chin trembles i think of what i want. I dont want to cry over her. Over her words. Over her looks. I dont want to become her. Become her bitterness. Become her idiocy.
I dont want to be somebody. I just simply want to be me. No one else. Just happy. Im not looking for happiness anywhere else other than in myself. Where else will i find something that gets me so right? Im cold with anger. I want to tear and shred and rip and smash everything i see. I hate this chain she has around me. I just want to break free. I just want to be. I just want to be me.

you want to hear?

Scream. i want to SCREAM! i want to shout out and let it out and finally rest in peace.

You. Your driving me CRAZY! you wont let me live, constantly there and i cant just forgive.

Take. you've TAKEN every last part of me thats worth anything, im just an empty box.

Cry. i cant even cry anymore because you've left me no more TEARS which arn't full of self pity.

the crows sit on my chest.

i'm lying in a cave with my bare chest facing up
the dangers ahead are labled and im lining my self straight up

one for love

another for sorrow

one for life

another tomorow

running to the corner my bare feet skating along loose stones
i hurl myself against the wall and let my emotions implode.
toes curled, fists clenched, eyes drowned, helplessness quenched.

what am i doing, this isnt my land

im walking with the runners

im swimming on the sand.

trying to sleep next to the fireworks just doesnt work
the colours and sounds fill my eyes and ears
included in the sight excluded from the fight
am i too small, am i missing a chromazone
is there something in my genetics
that explains my pathetics

hole in my heart, hole in my heart
made with an arrow made with a dart
cupid shot was limp
the angels forgot to make me a pair
but as i lived to believe it was unfair

i live to live with it.

i live to live with out it.

how high can i fly. my feet still drag along the ground and im constantly yearning to climb the clouds, reaching for the air. theres something in me that is dead, something that is rotting with time, turning my touch sour, spilling out through my troubled words. i stare into space and sometimes i just, just don't see anything at all. its like i cant start my life rolling again. my once dormant feeling are errupting and theres know one to live it, no one to feel its heat or to watch its beauty.

i have already left this boat. i dived off deck into this turmulous sea. the dark waves engulfing me in a place where i cant see anything even if i wanted to. where i am constantly held.

i am writing this in my living room on the laptop, my parents are sitting in the same room. tears are welling in my eyes and i just want to run.


this hurts so much. its killing my last atoms, cells whatever you say i am made from. i am breaking down, composting, crumbling into the soil beneath me.

the then and now...

i want you to kiss my eyelids.
fold my worries in to oregami paper planes,
and fly them through the air. far away from us.

i want to put my ear to your chest and
feel
the jungle tribe drums thunderthrough my memories.

i want you to take my lip between your teeth and
taste
my sea salty dreams sprinkled with sunshine.



the rain forest lightening flashed before my eyes
the thunder growled from my teeth when...
when you opened your cover and i read the pages the thoughts that railed through my mind..

the full speed train crashing in to my fantasies.

the plane tumbling as the engines fail to regain air time.

humph. it's my mother's birthday today. and once again she manages to put a downer on everything. its as if nothing is EVER good enough for her. we try to make things special and different but she just throws it back in our faces with 'why did you bother'. its her birthday and she is determined to spend it with a frown on her face bringing my mellow down and shooting my blimp of happiness. but i wont let her. i wont let her drag me beneath the surface, i wont let her make me feel less, i wont. its put me in one of those moods where i want to cry and scream in to a pillow, where i want to tear out my hair, off my clothes and run through the streets and not stop until i am shot. its made me want to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep where i dont have to wake up. EVER.


if i could be anywhere with anyone doing anything. within a click of my fingers i know what i would choose. up in the sky on my own free falling. no guarantees. just me and the world rushing past me. the sea below me. anything i say these days is either in a singsong voice full of daisy's or a growl.

im spinning and spinning and i just cant stop, because i have that feeling in my stomach again. making me sick. making me want to tear my lungs out. theres a cancer growing in my thoughts and its polluting everything. a dark cloud hovering over anything and everything. its like im running and running through a forest, with twigs cutting and slicing my bare body, thorns twisting in my side, moss underfoot staining each step i take. theres no signs here for me, no red carpet to walk along, just me and my rushing blood tainting the earth with my dripping blood. i can see eyes looking at me, yellow with hunger hidden behind wooden trees, i can hear the silent hum of z's aiming there attack. crawling along the crypt, laden with bones i want to lay down to turn off. to switch off. to go.




im behind that door with the number 6 on it. in a room with red walls and nothing. crouched in the corner i close my eyes and listen. the hum is back. i can feel the pressure in my ears. i can feel the person inside me struggling to open the door, to get out to smell fresh air to be. but i push her back down and choke. choke on my insecurity. choke on my fears.

A poem: For Bruce

drip, drip, drop, little april showers.
melted rays of happiness tinkle on our shoulders.
take cover under giant, peaceful trees,

the silence can bring us to our knees.

i met you, after you met me.

music drawn the intrest in our beings, entwined a conversation,

provoking common ground.

quick stepped, hip shakin', baby makin, salsa dance.

under the lightening doused sky,

in a boat, you sit palms up. Floating

in your own content. gutteral music growing

UP towards the dreams of day.

i once said you had eyes like pete,

vulnerable, big and brown.

they soar with dreams, take flight beneath the halo of sun light.

his pertruding eyesight.

buzzing, and buzzing, the flavour of your past,

soaked into your skin and your voice,

melting the words you say with a twaaang.

covering me with a warm salty air.

...t.b.c

A poem: For Lamb

There's me.

And then there is you.

worlds apart in sense of being

yet as close as a fingernail we seem.

A friendship built on nothing worth seeing.

Just clouds and skates and water fights.

Just make-shift adverts and

dances on the landing.

A sister, an extra, a family member for sure.
For i can talk to you whilst on the loo
and not bother with the door.

I can tell you the things that i dont want to hear myself.

Because it feels like you've already seen them,

jolting nervously from my left ear to the right.

you to me are a flower to a bee.
A glove to a hand and an amp to the band.
Essential to my happiness i need you in my life.

A soul sistah. Because our friendship means more than substance.

Its air.

Its vital.

Its that of soul sistahs'.

The bed we loved in was a spinning world
of forests, castles, torchlight, clifftops, seas.
where he would dive for pearls
my lovers words were shooting stars
which fell to earth as kisses on these lips
my body now a softer rhyme to his
now echo, assonance, his touch.
a verb dancing in the centre of a noun
some nights i dreamed he'd written me
a page beneath his writer's hands.
romance and drama played by touch, scent by taste.
in the other bed, the best our guests dozed on.
dribbling their prose
my living laughing love
i hold him in the casket of my widows head.
as he held me upon that next best bed

poem by carolanne duffy. 'anne hathaway'

i love this poem so much i want to share it with the world.
its like sex on a page. It is sex on a page.

Written on the night i couldn't sleep. At all.

I am a dust dote.

Fluttering through the thick summer air.

Tumbling and toiling into this and that, no real direction to follow.

No arroe to guide me north, south or east.

Just mezmerised by the view of life from this angle,

so vulnerable and troubled.

I toil at the idea of falling from my westerly wind,

drifting me towards my new home.

So frightened of the landing that i keep myself high.

Hovering above the flames,

which light me a thousand colours.

I explode into nothing.

Falling.

I snuck out of the house today, whilst my parents were watching tv. I donned on my cowboy boots, slipped my lighter in my pocket, slowly, so very slowly i opened the creaky door to the porch.

eep.

Clunk.

I paused waited for the 'hello?!' nothing.

Then to the master door. The biggie. No problemo (:

Im free. FREEEEEEE! Like a kid on blue smarties im outathere......

With my notebook and fountain pen i run along the road to my log.

My place of rest of happiness of joy of solitude.

My log.

As i lit up a smoke i rested my head against the log and dreamt............

....crouching like a tiger in the grass i wait for my moment to pounce. The sun is yawning on me, toasting my arms and the back of my neck. I can see his chest raising and falling and thats when i leap.

up

up

up in the air

down

down

down beside him i roll neatly into his side and play with his hand.
He is used to my childish behaviour.

no

no

no scrap that, i tear open my notebook and try to think of something else. something more profound.

Trying to think of something worthwhile rather than to ruin this piece of perfect plain white page. Nothing comes to mind other than peals of laughter, yours and mine, combined, entwined in the air, raining on my thoughts.

''STOP IT!!!!''

your polluting my everyday actions with attractive thoughts of you.

Quite frankly your drawing me in and im on the edge of the cliff.

Push me any further and im dead set and bound to fall.

down

down

down

In love.

with you.

Cheers Bucko :\

A poem: for Olive

2 ponds, 2 babies.
You are the ying to my yang.
Causing havoc, running amok round beaches to fields.
A blob of Blondie and a brown bob, 2 dots darting from adventure to the next.

'lets swim' - 'its too cold' - 'the kettle?' - 'awsome...!'

The Bath. A whole bottle of dreams emptied into our Mediterranean sea.
Where we scuba-dived for lost treasures and found each others foot.

Mission impossible: under the security beams that clinked when you touched them.
down the slippery steps of ice. Into the chamber of leisure. And back again.

Shoot. I dont have a dvd player anymore. Shoot.

Growing up with screams and tantrums. The rebellious hippies.
Tearing through our teenage years dragging our loaded past behind us like a boulder round our ankles. Parents never forget.

You my drop of spanish gold are a friend i shall treasure. For even though we are separated by a sea i know you suffer your own raging storms too and we are in the same pea green rowing boat, trying to make it to the otherside.

Rejection

This time i tried walking slowly, climbing the steps i took great care
but once again i stumbled and fell
one
two
three steps through the air
the air was thin and clear and bright
i saw ahead but it was a mirage
i've been sitting on the bottom rung for so long that i am parched of affection

rejection

maybe i need a hand to hold
to guide me up each meter high
stepping stone. Why oh why am i crippled? Is that why i am
left?

Soothing my sores, my lumps and bumps on the ground i wonder
is this where i am meant to be? Do i belong up there?
Amoung the women.

Girl. Just a Girl. GIRL.
flat chested, small minded, virginial science project under the bell jar.