I AM A LOVE WARRIOR...

I am a love warrior from the past, present and future . . .

I, Jah-love-Blonde-Indian-Straps, am in severe love with a man named David Green. Never have i felt so strongly. He makes life lonely when his arms aren't around me. I feel strong and confident, like i can do anything. I don't feel like rushing the time away, even though i'm mega super excited for our future. I thought that through coming home, i would feel less lonely but i have realised that its not THIS home that i am missing. It's the home that i find in his kisses.
He has the power in his words to break me, take me and raise me into the heavens. I think back to the times when we were just starting out and i smile. How could we be so cute? We were adorable.
And when we have the confidence to talk about our future together i know that the Future is REAL. It's there. It's in his words. In our hands. In our breath.

I have nightmares at night about him though. And whilst writing this, i realise why. Why do i suffer from these horrible night dreams when we are so secure, so in love, so loving? It's because i am so scared of loosing him. I know that he loves me as much as i love him and that's a right damn lot i'll tell you that! I am just so fearful of loosing him in my life that i have night mares!

Dreams

What has happened?

Swimming against the tide, the rushing water spinning, spiraling towards the plug hole dragging me down.

I feel useless as i succumb to the forces that are pushing me under.

Her blonde hair, whips around her face like a fish caught in a net. Her eyes are staring at me with a blank composure, the piercing blue dulled to a milky tear drop. Her pursed lips, blood against her fair skin, drained of any emotion as she drowns.

Wailing around her, free from life are her limbs, clawing at the water as it escapes her every grasp and laughs at her meek attempt at saving herself.

Suicide blonde rips out her beating organ

as the pied Piper plays a song on her chest

music has left, Pandora's box is empty

that final jump blonde thought was best

Her chest is lifted abruptly into the air, her head thrown back as he gasps for one sip of air. Clawing at the sheets as they become loose, she tears them from beneath the matress. Breathing heavily and fast her eyes flick open and her surroundings embrace her.

The familiar smell of her inscense burnt room, the photos of her life.

One more dream as real as the prior and the one before that.

There, there is one of my sordid secrets

I don't do pictures. Not in my blog anyway, they make it pretty and pleasing to look at, but i want the reader to notice the raw edges in each piece of writing.

Today i want to talk. To anyone and everyone. I feel i can't say this outloud for fear of being shuned, for fear of being told to be quiet and to stop moaning but i need to drain it from me somehow so this is how it goes.

I am one of those girls and i didnt even realise it till it was too late. Those girls that want what they can't have. What they shouldn't have. Chasing the challenge whilst ignoring the conquests. But today i have realised the errors in my ways and i vow to lock myself away along with my habits. I am a bunny-boiler. I hate to admit it and it shall never happen again whilst i am aware. There, there is one of my sordid secrets. And i am sorry. I'd like to say that i didn't know he had a girlfriend and i'd like to say that i believe that there could be something between us and thats the reason for my absurdness but i'd be lying. I haven't 'done' anything per say...but enough that draws him in. And now it's my fault for a broken heart. I put upon someone else what i felt i could have died of at one point in my life.

And here is for my pity point. I am suffering from ignorance. Treading water in a world where i don't know where i belong. I often believe that i can live without the men in my life but i can not. Or more i would not want to despite needing to get away from it all. I dont know what to do!!!! Oh curse you cupid! Curse you and your misguided arrows that bring me to my knees. DRAMA QUEEN MUCH? yeh. sorry. I just want to make a desicion on what i am going to do or rather not going to do and stick to it! A guy, a very goodlooking guy, a charmer though. Can bring me up and can bring me down. I know that i would. i know i would but could i? A one night stand for my first time would be a tad slaggish/sluttish no? But every time i hear something or see something that reminds me of that one person i stop and fumble on what i am doing and just want them.

I want them. Right here. But i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.
Would he? Would he give into me for one night?

Should i?

Rush

A fire! Burning slowly in the pit of my stomach, where flame-proof butterflies are swarming around, desperate to find an escape. The heat rises and burns red, branding my face with alarming emotion. That first firefly spark that sets all your senses alive, is the first step towards a numb death in your mind. All is lost! You cannot fight nature, this natural fire consumes your mind, body and soul with one slight change in the wind. Remembering the burnt leaves flying and twirling and dancing around your being, distorting your view and sense of direction but breathing in and out the smell of contentment. The rise and fall of their chest as you see them, and the butterflies desperation to get beside them too amazes you, it's too much for your circuit board. The current of electricity running through your veins isn't fast enough and you hear the explosions in your ears.

Curiosity Killed me. Once more.

This is absurd !!! I hate how someone still has the power to bring you down even when they are the one that left you. I though i had a hold on this feeling, i thought that i had it all bottled up the lid shut tight so no one could get in and nothing could get out but once again my powers are stunted when i am faced with curiosity i take a bite and i am sick, sick all over my new Prada bag over my Stella mcCarteney dress. what ever you want to compare happiness to i was sick all over that too. Thats what this feels like. After all that hard work i have ruined everything once again because i was curious!! After all that is what will kill me, why not get in some practice now eh ?