you want to hear?

Scream. i want to SCREAM! i want to shout out and let it out and finally rest in peace.

You. Your driving me CRAZY! you wont let me live, constantly there and i cant just forgive.

Take. you've TAKEN every last part of me thats worth anything, im just an empty box.

Cry. i cant even cry anymore because you've left me no more TEARS which arn't full of self pity.

Relapse

Clawing my way back into that bubble
nudging my head into the side to slip in
clutching my body close to my chin
falling back into the same old routine.
rising and retreating my breasts to the sky
this breathing is harder for me since that guy
swallowing scratches my throat piece by piece
croaking 'til this wallowing does cease.
choking on my reasons why
retching on my pathetic excuse
addicted to a substance
i cant even abuse
i hate the person that i've become
i hate my new skin it skinks of weakness
gulping down a reason why
i cant be who i was before that guy
tear aways the layers of mellow
keep on going past my muscle
till you reach the window viewing
of my soul, there you will see
a tiny box with a tiny key
a tiny shred i kept of me.

When the anger clock chimes

When the anger clock chimes 12
its too late to dig a hole
too late to crawl and hide myself
to late to shield them all.

When the anger clock chimes 12
the dam is opened out it flows
my hands begin to shake
the chime says its too late

When the anger clock chimes 12
ready to rant and scream in rage
im pissed cant you tell
im an animal released from her cage

When the anger clock chimes 12
i'm going to burst, implode what have you.
when teh anger clock chimes 12
im going to shoot you.

of the day

hello. welcome to my blog of the day. 17.06.09. 16.45.

thought of the day. ''why cant i grant my conciousness peace.''

colour of the day. grey. a grey cloudy day for the pathetic falousy of my mood.

number of the day. 3. number of times i have wanted to gouge my eyes and memory out.

song of the day. ''full moon'' the blach ghosts.

i hate this enternal system, where i cant escape myself of these stupid thoughts. stupid girl. i can sit in a room, like a tin of sardines, brimming with people, and yet i will sit there, looking straight ahead, thoughts spinning this way and that. I like not being noticed, and i hate it when people ask if your ok. ofcorse im not ok! would a normal person truly trusting in themselves with nothing to worry about sit ice cold in a room of friends? no. that is your answer. but i know you will never leave me if i give you the real answer will you? so i lie. its only a white lie. it wont ever affect YOUR life. its like acid on my skin, burning away all the fences i ever put up, those eyes that look apon me. and when you ask whats wrong. how can i tell you when there is no end to that question. just an eternal system of wrong doings in my life. so next time you see me ask me only this.... .

Blameing myslef seems to be the only answer to the question of my life.

By casper. the original.

black room

i'm walking down this hallway
and the walls are dark and black
i'm fighting for an ending
know there's no turning back

The floors seems closer
than it first seemed
i'm on my knees
can i be redeemed?

I'm sweating 'cos its draining
my knees are turning black
the scratches mark my journey
prove i can't go back.

My eyes they sting
the rain drys down
my cheeks are damp
and cloud my frown.

I'm crawling to the corner
where the walls are slightly white
my knees i draw them closer
but with my feelings i still fight.

To think of peace
and act all calm
folds the worries
into my palm

i'm opening my eyelids
to the dark and dingy wall
i shake of the remains
of my faithless hurtfull fall.

''dear readers, i spun this poem a long time ago, sorry for the darkness. Hang on you should be used to it by now, right?'' - casper xoxo

just a spit.

i do it to myself
i let my mind go wander
and when the memories come flooding back
same old lane same old attack
the floor beneath me disappears
im falling slower than my tears
and here im lieing in my bed
alive and breathing inside im dead
i do it to myself
endanger my own health
with every thought i catch my breath
each memorie brings me want of death
here i crouch not knowing what
could hurt more than this lot
to think of him and i before
or him with another me and more

alone and cold and bitter i turn
as the wood in the fire with time does burn
what or who can flip my soul?
can mend my heart ..... and make me whole?

What does a look say ?

A rare moment of blissful ignorance

Where my minds shut off and im perfectly content

But all this can change

Turn in an instance

As i look around a natural instinct to sound

To my horror i see another pain to find

Our eyes meet and i cant stop to think

How all time ceases and the second seems longer

The blank look requited

And out eyes are reunited

But what does a look say ?

What does it mean?

Is it simply a look where the blank means nothing?

Or does the look hold a thousand words not needed to be said?

A look so bear that any meaning could be dreamt

A look so bear that i can make up my own happy ending.

Wallow.

When i sit here on my own.
Take pleasure being all alone.
And wallow in the hum of silence.
And empty out my heart of violence.
I need this time to get a hold.
Where i dont have to do what i am told.
And i can sit here and grow old.
And wait in silence for the cold.

Remember

Dont forget about us.

Dont forget about the times.

Dont forget about the lust.

Dont forget about the smiles.

Dont forget about the cuboard,

where our kisses would be.

Dont forget about the kisses.

Dont forget about me.

Dont forget about the car.

Dont forget about my heat.

Dont forget the sound of my heart,

The clarity of the beat.

Dont forget the hammock.

Dont forget my lips.

Dont forget what you took.

When your hands where on my hips.

I hope you will remember.

With each glimmer of my anger.

You've made me bitter.

And im no quitter.

But it pains me to say.

As i sit here today.

I love you more,

Than my heart is worth.

And you turn from me,

And leave me with my hurt.

Questions unfulfilled.

Could i survive? If another soul took rest beneath your chin?
If another soul replaced my presence i once was in?
Could i still breath? If some other come to fill you?
To take the emptiness and just take it from me.
Its not my place and never was, but it doesnt numb the hurt.
Could i survive? If another soul took rest beneath your chin?

The suffering

I feel this pain so vigorace that i feel it squezzing my brain.

The last few droplets of sanity slip past my eyes, down my cheeks.

Pumping my organs till the blood escapes.

Tries to leave me also.

This torture, the time, the weeks.

Through my blood-red eyes do i see the world now.

Demanding my soul and contents.

I cant escape this body.

I cant escape this world.

Alone with unease.

Here my body is, but my mind is elsewhere.
Lost in the dark of my dreams and fate.
Ive lost all hope i wallow in despare.
Twisting and turing and burning in hate.
All alone i cower in silence.
At unease with the people who are mean't to care
but their ignorance turns me to violence.
Inside my soul i fight. Unfair.
No know knows. I think i hide it well.
When i smile i scream and scratch.
I reach for a hand to hold and yell.
And second by minuite my parts detatch.
Alone, apart, try to patch my heart.
But a soul a friend her smile it helps
And numbs a piece of my pain.
A friend Lord, is she that holds
My soul in place to keep my sane.
Thankyou Lord for this friend she saves.
The lonliness and uneasiness.

The strip

You have me
Here i lie
Crying into myself
Alone
Drowning in the memories that are flooding my head
The dreams reoccuring
The hurt envelopes me
The pain strips me of my senses
The eternal cycles i cant break free
Tell me Lord can you save me?

lie to yourself.

deepest corner of my soul
the blackest pit with no control
im holding my heart
cradled and crying
praying whilst dieing
over-reacting
once more

im grinding my teeth to hold out the pain
my neck oh so stiff my stomache just as tight
ill be sick if i loose
my control
to keep me whole
in this hole
i call home

i block all the outsiders
even my own thoughts
and lie there in solace
in peace, broken
fighting with my own thoughts to shut them off
so i cant lie to myself

no voice

ive lost my voice
and had no choice
with out it all
these tears will fall
there not for you
or what you did do
they are for me
so later ill see
clearer the moon
and it will come soon
the sweep of relieve
and the loss of the grief
standing taller
feeling smaller
hiding proundly
crying loudly
can you see it?
can you hear it?
can i be it?

Runaway

This house called home
Four walls a dome
Shelter from rain
Bearer of pain
No longer wanted girl wants out
No one hears her scream and shout
Control units control her life
Silence she could cut with a knife
Do this dont that
YOur thin your fat
No opinions are held by ones own
Not when you live in this house called home
Reasons to run or reach for the gun
This girl can cry wont show her tears
Cant trust her parents cant trust her peers
She feels the need to runaway
Little more work a little less play
On the streets with only a bag
Better than the house with the hag
Runaway girl with tears behind doors
Will hang around pimp become one of their whores
Contemplait
Can you wait?
Get a job before its too late
Grin and bear
The witch in her lair
Runaway girl dont be hasty
Stay where its warm
At least until dawn

lies, dirt and breath.

Sending tingles down my spine
i look 'twards the sky
i bow my head down
and plead with the ground
if i cannot float upstream with the clouds
please open beneath me and swallow me whole

With my hands by my ears
and my eyelids shut tight
i hold my breath and wait for the dawn
my nails dig deeper into my palms
im kicking and screaming
like a child in pain

sometimes i wonder
if im traveling backwards
ready to greet my birth and death
will i see before my eyes
my life i lived with every breath
hold me now forever hold my peace

breathless i stumble
and fall to my knees
where the dirt in my mouth wont wash away my sins
i crawl through the mud
my blood trails behind
and out from my mouth flows my soul with its own mind.

returned

can't explain
with loss of breath
knocked from my lungs
pain
it hurts
help

and over and over again
i bring my knees to my chest
when will this beating end
so the pain will stop


it seems once again
i set myself up for this
when will i learn
when will i see
that ill just have to wait till when
not longer do i yearn
for his love returned

and then i can let go

torturous game of love

As these burning tears of pain
roll down my cheeks hide in the rain

the sting that follows as i close
my eyes to shield my heart it grows

the constant flowing never ceases
the hole of pain it never eases

My hands are shaking with my fury
hold me back please mother mary

i choke i shake i let them roll
it hurts to see them as a whole

not one drop tips on my nose
continued tears forever flows

And when i look on through my phone
i see your name and feel alone

and when that feeling creeps up again
i cant help the stream caused by men

well not men just one in question
holds my heart my soul posession

and now the tri where it can fit
is gapeing like a bottemless pit

it hurts to breath
it hurts to cry
but when i breath
cant help but cry
and so this vicious merry go round of pain
wont let me of this torturous game.

Rain in my heart...

with the rain in my heart
i feel cold to your touch
the clouds in my head
dont cloud very much . . .
im numb to the outside
but for you i am warm
the thunder it rolls
separation im torn . . .
with the rain in my heart
i swear to be true
my life in existance
not the same without you . . .
theres a whole that will gape
till you return to my side
and forever will it stay
no matter how much i cried . . .
with the rain in my heart
i wont say goodbye
your soul i will hold
till the day i will die.