Thursday, 23 December 2010

So my Grandad has passed away. Awhile ago now actually. It still gets to me sometimes and i don't know why. I just can't let it go. I mean i wasn't THAT close to him. Ok yeah i was. I don't want to think of it now, my eyes are stinging from holding the tears back.
Anyway, this was a camera left on his dining room table. An old crappy german film camera i do believe. And this is what my so called aunty gave as a gift to me. Who does she think she IS? I really wish she didn't do that. I don't want her to give me anything. Especially not of my grandfathers. And if i did want something of my grandfathers i'd like something that i saw him actually use. I don't even think it WAS his! If only a photograph of him. That i would appreciate more. Now i am stuck with this stupid camera, that just smells of an old person. And a little tabaco.
Tears are resting on my eyelids right now. I can't bear to let them fall.
I sent him a txt to his mobile phone the other night. I know that no one will read it. The sim is probably in the bin by now, but it still felt like i had a connection with him. A line of talking to him.
Talking to the stars helps sometimes. singing to them too, but seeing the words 'sending to Grandad mobile' is a little more personal.
I still remember the day that he died.
It was my best friends birthday.
I was meant to be going out with her and her friends.
I really didnt want to.
But i did anyway.
I remember sitting outside looking to the fields. Just feeling, not even knowing, but just feeling that he had already gone. My brother told me. He thought i had already been told. I didn't want to go to school that day either. I just wanted to jump off of the bus.
And here i am choking up like a baby. Why can i just not let go?

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